The Death Star: An Imperial Workplace
by Mr. Chaos
Summary: BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! It's not all Tie Fighters and force chokes. Most days just see the Emperor trying to manage goofoff Piett, plain jane Asajj, new temp Kurt the Bothan and Darth Vader, the Assistant to the Emperor. The Office parody. Don't own squat
1. Episode I: Pilot

There are many places within the Death Star that people have seen that meet their expectations. The prison section, the shuttle bay, the conference room…

But few know of the heart of the Death Star. Where all the important decisions happen. On level 52, there sits an average size office space. It is like any workplace: A large, open room, filled with desks, cheap lighting, a photocopier, printers, a break room…

And Emperor Palpatine's office.

* * *

"Your quarterly report looks very good, Piett."

"Thank you, sir." Fermus Piett said with a slight chuckle. They all knew these reports were useless…except for the Emperor.

"Now tell me, where you able to search the planet Typho for the rebels."

"No sir." Piett said simply. "Remember, I told you they wouldn't let me enter without filing paper work."

Palpatine grinned his sickly smile. "So you come to the master for aid?"

"You…uh…called me in, but sure, why not."

"Watch and learn then." Palpatine commanded, picking up the old fashion holophone. He waited a few moments. "Hello…this is the Emperor, and I wish to talk to your supervisor. Yes, I will hold."

* * *

In another part of the office, work continued on…though a lot more smoothly with Palpatine distracted.

* * *

Sighing, the Emperor ran a wrinkled hand over his face. "Yes, I understand the protocol…I'm the one that made them. What? What do you mean, "Even you're not above the law"? Of course I am, I'm the Emper…yes…yes, I understand…well…well…fine, fine." Placing the phone back down, he gave Piett a weak smile, the other man trying to hold in his laughter. "We…agreed that you should have filled out the paper work."

"Yes sir."

"Let this be a lesson to you!" The Emperor shouted as Piett left. "Always follow the rules!"

* * *

Later that day, the film crew asked the Emperor to give a quick tour of this unseen part of the Death Star. Happy to mug to the camera, he made his way around the office, chatting up a storm.

"I was a Sith lord for many years…many, many years. Far longer then I was in the Senate. You see, I said to myself, "Palpy…" I call myself Palpy in my head, "Palpy…where can a yellow-eyed man with a black heart do evil deeds?" And I realized the Senate, since most politicians are crooks anyway…" He paused, considering his words. "Well, you know, not all. I mean some were good…it's just a joke, you wouldn't understand…moving on."

The Emperor hobbled over to a large desk, the pale, bald head of Asajj Ventress barely visible as she worked.

"Ah, my secretary, Asajj. Working hard or hardly working?" The Emperor asked with glee.

"Uh…work hard, sir…as always."

"I know, Asajj, its just…well, why not tell the people what you are working on."

"Oh…you know, I'm just working on some really…top secret…Empire stuff…"

The camera panned down to reveal a Sudoku puzzle, half finished, before Asajj covered it up.

"Very good, very good." The Emperor replied. "Now, some would be turned off by the bald head…and I will admit, I was at first. Reminded me of a light bulb…" Assaj stared at the Emperor, annoyed, "…but now I just think it's hot. All hairless and smooth…wonder if there is hardwood floors to match the drapeless windows?"

Asajj's mouth dropped in horror as the Emperor chuckled, the camera panning over to Piett who just shook his head in disbelief.

* * *

"You might think that is evil, but let me tell you, the Emperor has never received a complaint about sexual harassment." Piett said. He paused, thinking things over. "I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that he can shoot lightning out of his fingers." He shrugs, giving a boyish grin.

* * *

"Any messages?" The Emperor asked.

"Well, just this one, from the clones."

The Emperor frowned, before leaning down and whispering, "How many times do I have to tell you, we call them Corporate."

"I'm sorry…"

"That's fine." The Emperor stared at the sheet still dangling from Asajj's hand. "Well?"

"Uh…" She licked her lips, confused, before finally saying, "Just a fax from…Corporate, sir."

"Ah, Corporate." The Emperor said, snatching the paper. "That is a little joke my employees have, calling the clones Corporate…like they are really our bosses instead of the other way round…I'd never do it, uncivilized, but hey…let the little monkeys do what they like."

* * *

"I am asked all the time, "Why do your employees love you? Is it because you can kill them with a blink of an eye or because you have their families held captive?" Well, it isn't, thought I can…and I do. No, the reason is because I just happen to be a people person. Look at this…"

The Emperor pulled out a white coffee mug, the words "World's Second Greatest Emperor" on it, the word 'second' covered in masking tape.

"They got this for me…because they love me." He looks at the cup. "Yes…they got me the gift card that bought this cup…knew it would be better for me to pick out the best one…they were all out of the "World's Best Emperor" ones…I would have waited, but…but I think the way I fixed it works just as well."

* * *

Outside the office, Darth Vader was just beginning his day. He sat down, breathing heavily, before he opened his desk with the force and removed his phone, a pad of paper and a picture of a young woman. Piett stared on, each breath Vader took grating on his nerves.

* * *

Piett slouched in the chair. "Right now my job is making sure we find the rebel's secret base. That involves…uh…sending out droids…waiting for them to come back…deciding if we want to retrieve them…sending out more…you know, is this as boring as I think it is?" He laughed, rubbing his forehead. "Truthfully…truthfully…this is just a part time thing for me. I mean…I'm just working here while I try and figure out what to do with my life. If this…if this were my life…I'd ask the Emperor to kill me."

"You want me to kill you?" The Emperor called out.

"No." Piett called back. "I wanted you to…skill me."

"…very good…very good."

Piett sighed. "See what I have to deal with?"

* * *

Back in the office, Mara Jade, one of the Emperor's Hands, rolled her eyes and pointed at her lip. Across from her, the lesser known Bob Ruby, a fat, balding Hand, shook his head, not getting he had jam all over his face.

"Did you hear the rumor?" Bob asked, still enjoying his treat.

Mara, pushing away waves of disgust, answered, "No."

"…do you want to hear?"

"Not really, no. I find rumors distract from my real work."

Bob nodded, taking that in, before…"Well, I heard that someone managed to steal plans to the Death Star."

"No one stole plans to the Death Star." Mara said sternly.

"Is that what you heard?"

"No. I just know it."

Bob considered this. "Well…I know I heard that someone stole the plans."

* * *

"So…what does that mean?" Guri, the human replica droid, asked Xizor, the green skilled Falleen.

"Well, it means the rebels could find us, blow us up and leave us all space dust."

"Oh…and that would be bad?"

* * *

"I just know it was one of those bounty hunters we bring in." Mara complained. "Ugly, filthy creatures."

"Didn't you use to date Bossak?" Bob asked.

"…filthy, filthy creatures."

* * *

"So, I was wondering…" Asajj asked Piett, "…if you stole the plans, you'd tell me?"

"Of course." Piett said. "You?"

"Oh no, never." She said with a coy grin.

* * *

"Some people think the plans for the Death Star got out. I don't believe that. It would mean that someone inside this office stole them…and these people are family. Family never hurts family. When is the last time you heard of two brothers fighting, or a father refusing to speak to his son just because he decided he didn't want to go into the family fishing business and instead wanted to learn the ways of the Sith and then use that knowledge to take of the galaxy and make myself Emperor." The Emperor paused, not realizing what he just said. "Besides, I know I can trust these people." He pointed to a picture of the death star blueprints. "Keep them right here, clear for everyone to see. Trust issue, you know."

At that, the camera panned as Kurt, the new bothan temp, walked in with a camera. "Do you mind…"

"Not at all, not at all." The Emperor said, sitting up straight. "He loves talking pictures of me…makes me feel like Tyra Banks. Watch out, I might throw a phone at you. Grrr!"

"Don't talk so much, makes it hard for the camera to focus."

"Sorry."

The cameraman moved behind Kurt, it clear he was taking photos of the plans.

* * *

"Yea, I'm the one leaking the information to Princess Leia. I'm surprised they didn't realize this could happen. I mean, all my previous employers are members of the alliance…and here, here I was just being cocky."

Shows that, under goals, he wrote on his resume: To steal plans of the Death Star.

* * *

Piett looked up, watching as some of his files slowly floated over his head and into a trashcan. "What are you doing, Vader?"

"Your things are on my side of the desk." Vader intoned. "I am removing them."

"By throwing them in the trash?"

"Yes."

Piett nodded, considering this, before deciding to have some fun with Vader. He glanced at the photo on Vader's desk, smiling. "Listen, I don't want to be insulting, so tell me if this crosses the line…but your mom is hot."

Vader turned towards Piett, breathing hard. "That is my wife."

Piett's eyes widened. "Wow…just wow…" he shook his head. "I knew you were into some freaky things, but marrying your own mom?"

"I am not married to my mom."

"Hey Piett, what's going on?" Asajj asked.

"Vader is married to his mom…and she is a babe!"

Vader growled. "I am not married to my mother."

"Then you are just sleeping with her and tell people your married." Piett replied. "Vader, you don't have to do that…it's strange either way."

"What's strange either way?" Guri asked.

"Vader, sleeping with his mom."

"I thought you humans had taboos against that." Guri asked.

"They do." Xizor said listlessly.

"I am not sleeping with my mother!" Vader roared. "That is my wife!"

"Who is also your mother, we get it." Piett said.

"What does your dad think?" Bob asked.

"I have no father."

"Wait, so you consider yourself your own father?" Assaj asked.

"What would that make your children, if you had any?" Piett asked.

Vader let out a bellow, holding out his hand to draw forth his lightsaber. Only, when it flew to him, it made a 'splat'. He looked down, annoyed.

"Master!" He cried out. "Master!"

Palpatine emerged from his office. "What is it?"

"He did it again!" He whined. "He put my lightsaber in Jell-O!" He held up the Jell-O mold, his lightsaber bobbing slightly.

* * *

"You know, as I watch these people, I realize just how stupid they truly are." Kurt the bothan spy said. "Then…I realize how the Alliance has only just now managed a single victory…and it makes me wonder just how pathetic we have to be that we can't defeat these guys."

* * *

Palpatine looked over the group as they all sat in the conference room. "Now I know there are some concerns about the Death Star plans, and I just wanted to ease everyone's mind…"

"My master, should I not know first?" Vader asked.

"Why?"

"Well…I am Apprentice Emperor."

"Apprentice to the Emperor." Palpatine said.

"Same thing."

"No…no, I don't think so…"

"It doesn't matter. I'm more important then these people."

"Whoa!" Palpatine said. "Back up the train. Eeeeeeeee!" He made the sound of a train, apparently, backing up. "No one is more important then anyone else. Some people are less important…like Tarkin."

Governor Tarkin just glanced up.

* * *

"Do you want anything else, Princess Leia?" Kurt asked as he took more photos of the Death Star plans while talking on his holophone. "I mean…I'm pretty sure I could kill the Emperor. How…uh…give him a thermal detonator and tell him it is hard candy? That's just one idea."

* * *

"what happens if the plans get out?" Bob asked.

"Everything will be fine."

"even if they use the plans to find a weakness and blow us up?" Xizor asked, bored

"That won't happen."

"Then why would the rebels want the plans?" Asajj asked.

"I don't know…to admire it…they are beautiful plans. Look, Kurt is taking more photos of them." He waved to the bothan. "Loves taking photos…loves taking photos."

* * *

"Ya…ya I've contemplate leaving…use it as a kick start, to force me to think about what I want out of my life. But…" Piett shrugged. "What would I do with all this useless knowledge. The specs for a Tie Fighter? The fact that Asajj enjoys blue milk with cinnamon sprinkled in it?"

* * *

Asajj laughed. "Yeah. Yeah…Piett has that one on me."

* * *

Vader glared at Piett as he struggled to clean the Jell-O from his lightsaber.

"I'm just saying…" Piett said, happily slurping some Jell-O, "…you can't blame me just because the Force put your lightsaber in Jell-O."

"The Force did not do this."

"But it allows you to move things with your mind."

"Yes."

"And choke people."

"Yes."

"And many other impossible things."

Vader sighed. " Yes Piett."

"Then you admit that it could, in theory, put your lightsaber in Jell-O."

Vader shook his head. "But it wouldn't…"

"Hey Vader." Palpatine said, grabbing him by the shoulder. "Kurt wants to take a photo of us." He grinned, wrapping his arm tighter around the larger man. "Smile…are you smiling? Can't ever tell. Take that mask off so they can see your pretty smile."

"I can't…I will die."

"Oh yea…Obi-Wan…ugh…yea, keep the mask on, no one wants to see that. Better yet, put on another, in case the first falls off." Kurt handed Palpatine a sign. "What's this?"

"A sign…I'm sending this to my…uh…pen pal, and he only speaks pig latin."

The Emperor nodded, the camera zooming in to reveal the sign said, "eythay on the 52 oorflay, illkay emthay ickquay."

* * *

"The mother-wife thing…genius." Asajj said.

"I know, it just came to me." Piett laughed, leaning over Asajj's desk rather intimately.

"I thought I was going to snort blue milk out of my nose."

"With cinnamon?" Piett replied coyly.

Asajj grinned. "Is there any other way…oh, hi Durge!"

Piett frowned as Asajj's fiancée, Durge, entered the office, his bulky gray armor clanking slightly.

"Hey baby." Durge said. "Fermus!" He clapped his hand roughly on Piett's back. "Listen, this is so weird…I killed a guy today that looks just like you. Was freaky. See, I took this vibroshiv and rammed it up his nose…"

"I…uh…actually have to go do some work."

"Oh…yea, totally…find the rebels." Durge called out. "I tell ya, Asajj, I should work with you guys. I can spot a rebel a mile away. Oh, hey Kurt." He waved to the Bothan, who was using the copier to make some copies of the Death Star plans. "Now that is a dedicated Imperial."

* * *

"Durge is my fiancée. We met during the Clone Wars. We both had an interest in killing Jedi. Of course, now there aren't any Jedi to kill…but we still have lots in common." Asajj paused. "like…uh…we both…sleep in the same bed. That's…something."

* * *

"Get some last minute work done?" The Emperor asked, putting on his cloak.

Piett nodded. "Yea…just some last minute stuff. I'll lock up."

"Sure…see you tomorrow…don't go partying too hard. And if you do, call me up, right?" He grinned.

Piett smiled back a bit uneasily. "Sure…sure thing." It was only after he left that Piett leapt up, pulling out a Jell-O mold with the Emperor's cup inside and placing it on Palpatine's desk. "And…now I can go." He walked over to the door, flicking off the lights. "Night Kurt."

Kurt slowly stood up from where he had been hiding, files on all the employees clutched in his hands. "Uh…night Piett."

"Kurt…strange, strange man." Piett said with a shrug, before heading back to his quarters.


	2. Episode II: The Investigation

"Bob Ruby, you're next."

Bob glanced at Vader, taking another bit of his sandwich.

"Spit it out…spit it…" Bob swallowed, "Or swallow, that will work."

Piett leaned back in his chair, looking Vader over. "Finally going to admit your love for Bob?" Vader turned towards him. "About time…we were all hoping you crazy kids would get together." He wiped his eye. "Getting teary just thinking about it."

Vader scoffed. " Girl."

"How did you mom take the break-up?"

"I AM NOT DATING MY MOTHER!!"

&

Piett sighed. "yea…seems the Death Star plans got out. The Emperor isn't concerned, but Vader took it as an affront to his ability to keep this place secure. So now, to put everyone at ease, he is interrogating them." He rolled his eyes. "Because we all know a torture droid screams "feel good, everything is fine"." He paused. "Actually it would be the person the torture droid is torturing that would scream."

&

Vader looked down at Bob. "lets go over why someone would be a traitor. They are stupid…they hate others and themselves…they don't have a good personal image…they can't succeed at anything because of their body type, which leads to said bad personal image. Disliked by peers" He leaned forward. "Who does that sound like?"

"…you?"

"Yes ….NO NOT ME!"

&

"I like the people I work with. Well…expect for 4 of them…maybe 5…ok, I hate them all. But I did not become a Sith Lord to make friends. Infact, to become one, I had to kill my friends." Darth shrugged. "Had to be done. I'm sure they understand."

&

The ghostly form of Mace Windu frowned. "No, I don't (CENSORED) understand! Screw that whiny little…"

&

"Something, something, something, Dark Side." Piett said, his voice rather scratchy and nasally. Asajj burst into laughter, barely able to keep herself from snorting.

&

"Yea, Piett does impressions of everyone on the Death Star. Sometimes, I'll be filing some reports, and he'll be someone else. Like he'll…" Asajj stood up and began to dance the robot, not good but not terrible. After a moment, she sat back down and shrugged. "That was Guri…Piett does it better then me."

&

"Now, we both know I don't want to use this torture droid, so why don't you just admit you stole the plans?"

Tarkin frowned, his voice dull as he spoke. "Its against Death Star policy to use a torture droid on non-prisoners."

Vader's tone grew annoyed. "But I am Apprentice…"

"to the"

"…Emperor, and thus I am above the rules."

Tarkin shook his head. "No one is above the rules."

"And what if I decide to use the torture droid on you anyway?" Vader asked, waving at the hovering black robot.

"I'll be forced to put a black mark on your file."

"…well, I think I can believe you."

&

Vader stormed up to Kurt the Bothan, holding out his hand. "I want to search your speeder."

"Huh?"

"I want to see if the Death Star plans are in there."

Kurt frowned. "You really think I'd be stupid enough to leave the Death Star plans in my speeder?"

Vader considered this. "So, will you surrender the keys to me or do we do this the hard way?"

"The hard way?"

"I cut off your head and take the keys myself."

Kurt quickly handed Vader the keys, the Sith Lord smug as he walked away, not noticing Kurt slowly place the Death Star plans that had been in his briefcase into the shredder.

"Hey!" The Emperor called out, snatching the keys from Vader. "Are you messing with Kurt?"

"I am merely investigating…"

"You need to lighten up. Seriously, so the plans got out, big deal. Not like it matters. Who'd want to blow up our office, anyway? That's…that's just stupid." He handed the keys back to Kurt. "And come on, Vader…stop being such a pill in front of Kurt." He grabbed the temp's shoulders and shook him. "I mean, we can't go running off all the fresh blood. That would leave us with only your 7 foot 2 asthmatic self to run this place. We need strong…virile…strapping young men like Kurt here to…I don't know, load photon torpedoes into the back shafts and…uh…clean the guck from the face of this station…"

&

"…I think the Emperor is hitting on me." Kurt said, disgusted. "infact…at the end I don't think he was even trying to hide it!"

&

Vader shoved a photo towards Guri. "Do you know what this is?"

"The technical read out to the Death Star." Guri said simply.

"And how do you know that?"

Guri frowned slightly, processors working. "Because this station is the largest battle station made, and these plans are to its dimensions."

"…just the sort of thing a traitor would say."

&

"Tell me, Mara…if you were not trying to send out the Death Star plans…what, exactly, is this?" He slid a fax towards Mara. "I found this in the fax machine."

Mara shrugged. "If you must know, that is the final paperwork on a hit I am putting out on you, so that I can become the Apprentice to the Emperor."

"…but not the Death Star plans?"

"No." Mara said tersely.

Vader sighed. "You can go."

&

Creed glanced at the photo. "That is a technical readout for a Doomsday class super station, code number 571138-X."

Vader heaved a sigh. "No…it's the Death Star plans."

&

"I'm not sure what happened." Creed said simply. "I was smoking some northern lights, blacked out, and awoke here. At first I simply assumed Michael had gotten really wrinkly, but as time went on, I realized they were paying me either way…"

&

"I'm just saying we can't rule you out." Piett said smugly.

"I did not betray the Emperor."

Piett shook his head. "Its tradition for a Sith Apprentice to betray his master…how can we be sure you didn't do just that?"

"I would remember if I betrayed my master."

"Not if you were smart enough to wipe your own memory of the betrayal. Now admit you betrayed us, rebel!" Piett roared, Vader leaning back in horror.

&

"Hey Piett…" Bob called out, walking towards him as he left the conference room, dragging him over to the break room. "Asajj said you do this killer impression of Vader."

Asajj glanced at Piett, who shrugged. "Anyone can do Vader. Xizor…now he is hard."

"Come on, let me hear." Bob begged.

"I don't…"

"Don't be a wussy, Piett." Asajj teased. "Do the impression."

Piett nodded, pursing his lips and lifting his face up, looking down his noses. "Why do you continue to CC things to me that have nothing to do with…"

"Is that suppose to be me?" Xizor asked.

"Uh…yea…" Piett said as Bob scurried away.

"He does everyone…" Asajj said quickly.

"I do not find that funny." Xizor said hauntingly, before leaving the breakroom. Asajj and Piett looked properly chastised…atleast, until Xizor was out of earshot.

"I do not find that funny." Both said, their grins overtaking their faces.

"Jinx!" Asajj quickly called out. "You owe me a blue milk." Piett groaned. "no talking!" Piett nodded, moving towards the vending machine as Asajj pranced behind him. "Piett can't talk until he buys me some blue milk…those are the rules." Piett, taking out a dollar, slipped it into the machine, selecting a blue milk, only for the machine to state they were sold out. "That has never…never happened before!" Asajj laughed. When Piett turned to her, she shrugged happily. "Sorry, those are the rules."

Piett stared at the camera, wondering how he was going to get out of this mess.

&

"uh oh, who is he calling? He calling the clones…going to report something…narc…Darth Narc is on the loose!" The Emperor laughed at his own joke as Vader got off the phone. He grabbed a cup and began to breath into it. "ooooo! I'm Darth Narc! All your bases are belong to us!"

Piett raised an eyebrow, waving a hand at the Emperor as if to prove his point that anyone could do a Vader impersonation.

"Attention, everyone." Vader stated, standing up. "I have just asked the Red Imperial Guards to bring a interrogation droid in."

"Wha?" The Emperor said, his good mood suddenly disappearing.

"Empire Policy. If information leaks out, we interrogate everyone."

"I know the policy, I made the policy."

"Then you must know that in a few hours, you will each be injected with truth serum and forced to reveal which of you stole the plans."

Kurt the Bothan paled. "Is that true?"

"Well, it is." Tarkin said listlessly. "All full time employees under contract must submit to interrogation."

Kurt paused. "I don't have a contract."

"Temps are never under contract." Tarkin said simply. "That means you don't have to be interrogated."

The Emperor just stared at Tarkin, licking his lips slightly before walking back to his office.

&

"Ok, so last weekend I went to a Hannah Montana concert. Scored these really good aisle seats, 10th row. Cost me 1200, which, I know, is 1000 more then they should cost, but scalpers…what are you going to do?" The Emperor paused, as if waiting for an answer. Getting none, he continued. "Anyway, Hannah is rocking the joint, then goes off to let some girl named Miley Syrus sing…I think she won a contest or was one of the Make-A-Wish kids…anyway, I got bored and began talking to this woman next to me. Just a super hot woman…find out her name is Mon Montha, works for some Alliance group…think it's a banking firm…anyway, we get to talking, and we decide to ditch the rest of the concert, since Hannah hasn't come back on yet, and go back to her place. Now, I'm playing it real smooth, using my best line, "Hey baby, how would you like to rule the galaxy with me as Emperor and sex kitty", and she gets on my lap and begins just grinding into me. I mean…wow…she was just going crazy. And of course, I'm not going to say no, because she looks a little like Padme, Vader's wife, and I always wanted to hit that, so I go along with. After we get done, we cuddle a little bit, and I begin telling her about where I work…all about how the office could blow up a planet and has an exhaust port the size of a womp rat…anyway, I wake up next morning, she's gone, and I am missing a pair of underwear." The Emperor laughed. "It's…it's a wild story, I know. I'm sending it in to Penthouse."

&

"I have met a man, he is very nice. However, I do not know how to interact with him." Guri frowned. "I do not understand the way you humans become intimate…my creator told me it involves insertion…does that mean a floppy disk? Because that would explain the floppy port I have built in, but I fail to see how that would be pleasurable to the man." Piett just stared on, wondering what it would feel like to jam a letter opener into his skull. "The man is very nice…his name is Dash Rendar, of Rendar Refrigeration. I do not understand you humans and your need for more then one name. It is only confusing and serves to take up time…"

"Hey guys…" Asajj said, poking her head in. "The Emperor just called a staff meeting." Piett looked at her, relieved. "But…you have another 7 minutes, so go ahead and finish up." Piett glared at her as Guri continued on.

&

"It occurs to me that some people here think being a traitor is good." The Emperor said.

"No we didn't." Mara answered.

"You were the one mocking the cyborg known as Darth Vader." Guri added.

"No…no…that was a test to see if you would come to his aid."

"Told you." Vader said smugly to Piett.

"Now…to show you all how not 'cool' being a traitor is, I have made a list of people that were traitors. People who ended up paying for their crimes" The Emperor revealed the list:

-Benedict Arnold

-The Jedi

-Judas

-That Hunchback in '300'

-The Separatists

-Tom Hanks' character in BIG

"Who is Judas?" Bob asked.

"He betrayed Jesus." The Emperor said, confused. "You know, Jesus…the maintenance guy on the 4th level…he's in my book club. Judas stole his girlfriend."

Xizor looked up from his crossword puzzle. "Why is Tom Hanks up there?"

"Well, it wasn't Tom Hanks who was the traitor…he was actually betrayed…betrayed by his own body." The Emperor said.

Tarkin shook his head. "I don't think fictional characters count as traitors, Emperor."

"You know what, Tarkin…how would you know who counts as a traitor? Vader, make a note…have the droid probe Tarkin twice…don't want to miss anything." The Emperor turned towards the group. "Now…I need someone to talk about someone that betrayed them."

Vader instantly stood up. "My former Master, Obi-Wan, betrayed me. He and the Jedi sought to overthrow you, my lord, and Obi-Wan is the reason I am in this suit."

"Didn't your wife also betray you?" The Emperor asked innocently. "Didn't she side with Obi-Wan…" He paused as Vader mentally caused the water cooler outside to explode. "And man…what if she wasn't pregnant with your kid but his? Wouldn't that just suck?"

Vader shook before letting out a bellow of rage and depression, storming out of the conference room.

"Geez…guess that wound is still fresh…that's why I always rip bandages off quick."

Asajj raised her hand. "I know Piett has a really good…well, I mean sad…story about someone that betrayed him." Piett's eyes widened as everyone turned to him.

"Ok…go ahead, let it out…" The Emperor said as Piett stood up. "oh yes…I can feel your anger…give in to your hate…and tell us the story…" Piett paused, taking a cleansing breath, before shaking his head sadly and sitting down.

&

"Faking crying?" Asajj said in awe. "He…he is so good!"

&

"Ok, Vader…I am going to need a few things before I go in for my interrogation. I need a pillow…my 'roids are acting up. Uh…I'll need my sun glasses. I'll need you to destroy the droid…oh, and a sandwich."

"Destroy the droid?"

"I am going to level with you…I think…I think…I might have told someone about the Death Star plans, and that is how they got out." Vader leaned back in shook. "You should have seen her…looked just like Padme, so you can understand where I am coming from…"

"Are…are you serious?"

"Yea…the plans…"

"No, about her looking like Padme…do you have her number…"

"Stay focused, Vader." The Emperor hissed. "I…I need you to do this for me."

&

"So…do you regularly interrogate Imperials." Kurt asked as he watched the Red Guard set up the droid.

"Oh yea…lots of times."

"And I bet they give out a ton of information…"

The guard shrugged. "Phone numbers, addresses…yea…stuff that could really hurt the empire if the rebels got it."

"…do you guy have an application on you?"

&

Vader sat in the stairwell, holding his head, breathing deeply. One of the clones from several levels down paused.

"Are you crying or just breathing? I can't tell."

Vader just shook his head. "I don't even know anymore."

&

"What…you want to tell me something?" Asajj asked, taking a sip of coffee. "come on…you can tell me anything…you can ask me anything…" She smiled. "I know what you want to ask me Piett…and the answer is yes." Piett's eyes widened slightly. "You can have half my donut."

Piett hid his disappointment.

&

Vader stared at the remains of the interrogation droid, shaking his head sadly. The Emperor walked over to him, nodding in approval.

"Good…good…now we are safe. Well done, my apprentice."

"I look like a fool." Vader whispered. "They'll all mock me for never finding the traitor."

"But you did…granted, I told you, but still…"

"It doesn't matter." Vader mumbled, slinking off. "I failed…"

The Emperor watched on, disappointed.

&

Piett was busy typing up a report when he noticed Asajj standing next to him, a glass of blue milk in her hand. She placed it down and tapped it towards him. "Buy it for me…come on…" She pleaded sweetly. Piett shook his head, taking a dollar from his pocket and handing it to her. "Hi." Asajj said.

"Who did you kill to get this?"

"No one!" Asajj laughed, as the camera moved towards the window that overlooked the docking bay of the death star, where the clones were trying to gather the limbs of the officer Asajj had attacked to get the milk.

&

"Lord Vader…" The Emperor said, leading his Apprentice towards the docking bay. "I have a gift for you." He grinned. "You see, you have done well, not only trying to find the traitor, but also hiding the fact that I was the traitor. As such, I am going to allow you to kill the ones that retrieves the message."

Vader was surprised. "Really…my master?"

"Of course…I can think of a no better gift then cleaning up my mess."

Vader nodded with glee.

&

"What a day…" Piett said with a laugh. "I couldn't say a word, meanwhile Vader is running around like he was both Crocket and Tubbs and destroying droids for the Emperor. I mean…I don't get why someone would let themselves suffer like that for another person." He paused, watching as Asajj walked by, before growing silent, staring at the camera.


	3. Episode III: The Hot Princess

"So, a week ago the Death Star plans were stolen from this office. How doesn't matter…" The Emperor smiled suddenly. "Though it did involve me and this smokin' brunette. Anyway, to try and get the crew motivated to regain the plans, I am offering a $1000 prize to the person that gets it back…of course, the prize will not be money…tacky, you know, so I have to pick something out." He stroked his chin, thinking deeply. "What motivates people to hunt down their fellow man?"

"Torture?" Darth Vader asked, the camera panning back to reveal Vader standing behind the Emperor, arms crossed over his chest.

The Emperor made a disgusted face. "No no no. Something nicer…something sexier."

"Torture can be sexy." Vader replied. "I remember this time, back during the Clone Wars, Padme took out my lightsaber, and jammed it…"

"Emperor, the prisoner is here." Asajj said, entering the office.

"Prisoner, what prisoner?" The Emperor asked.

"The one I captured, my master. The Princess…I believe she has the Death Star plans, or did." Vader said.

The Emperor frowned. "Why is she here?"

"I…thought it best that we keep her here…"

"What? No…no, this isn't some sort of detention level. We can't have prisoners in here."

Asajj nodded. "I will inform the stormtroopers to move her to a cell." She left, Vader following behind her.

The Emperor nodded, scoffing at the idea of keeping a prisoner in the office. However, when he glanced out his window, he noticed the short, white dressed princess and instantly stood up. "It…wouldn't hurt to talk to her." He paused, adjusting his robes. "Uh…they were…bulging weird…"

He emerged from his office, watching as the princess talked with Vader. "Darth Vader. Only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic--"

"Don't act so surprised, Your Highness." Vader interrupted. "You weren't on any mercy mission this time. Several transmissions were beamed from your ship by rebel spies." The camera panned over to Kurt, who was pretending to work, then to the Emperor, who mouthed "worth it". "I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you."

"I don't know what you are talking about. I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan."

"You are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor…take her away!"

"Whoa, Vader…whoa!" The Emperor shouted, holding up his hand. "Do you have to be so rude to our guest?" He shook his head, turning towards the princess. "Don't mind him…he isn't a people person, since he really isn't a person anymore…what are you…50 machine now?"

"Guest? Is that what I am considered?" Princess Leia held up her shackled wrists. "And what are these?"

The Emperor frowned. "Did someone put you in those? Geez…talk about starting out on the wrong foot." He waved his hand, unshackling her. "Lets start over, ok? Just rewind all that unpleasantness…" The Emperor made the sound of a tape being rewound, body jerking strangely as he pretended to be going in reverse. "Ok…so I am Emperor Palpatine, this is my secretary, Asajj…you've met Darth Vader…" He nodded his head, coming to a conclusion. "Tell you what…why don't we just put you in the conference room, ok? You have an luggage?"

"Uh…" Leia said, utterly confused.

"Bring her luggage and put it in the conference room. We'll let you bunk there." 

Asajj frowned. "HR has a meeting in there at 12:30."

"Well…they'll just have to do it in the detention level. Tarkin's ideas are almost criminal…" He looked at the camera. "Get it?" He coughed, Leia looking about. "Well…you can bed down here…if there is anything you need, just let me know…"

Leia shook her head. "Emperor Palpatine…the Senate will never go along with this?"

"They won't? Geez…that…that is just terrible, that they won't let you sleep where you want. You know what…I'll just dissolve them. How's that? Done deal." 

"That's not what I…"

"Good thinking, Princess Leia…good thinking. Hey…why don't I give you a tour of the office, let you meet the crew!" he grinned as he waved for her to follow him. "They've never met a princess before. I use to work with a queen. You look just like her…oh my God…wouldn't it be weird if the queen I use to know was your mom?" He shook his head. "That…that would make Vader your father. Ew…on second thought, no, lets not go there." He dragged Leia over to

&&&

"I've traced the plans to her. Now she is my only link to finding their secret base." Vader said. "Now…how to talk to her…you know, it's funny…I've never really learned to talked to women. I mean, one day I was Padme's protector, the next minute we're on Naboo and she's telling me she wants it Gungan style…man, was that woman freaky in the sack…I should have never strangled her…outside of the bedroom."

&&&

"Are you worried about her being here?" Bob asked.

"No, I'm not." Asajj said.

"She's prettier then you."

"…that…was very rude."

"…she also has hair."

"As was that."

Bob nodded. "…I like hair."

&&&

"This is Kurt…great guy, everyone loves him."

Leia shifted uneasily. "H-hello Kurt."

"Hello Le…er…Princess." Kurt reached out, removing a photo of him and Leia, dressed in shorts and t-shirts, faces painted with stars and clovers…and a red ballon, standing behind a clown and a banner reading "Rebel Alliance 10th Annual Picnic".

&&&

"Its wonderful for the Emperor to have someone new to…interact with." Asajj said with a coy smile.

"She's still prettier then you." Bob said as he walked by.

"I know!" Asajj called back, muttering under her breath.

&&&

"Here…is Grand Moff Tarkin. He is in charge of Human Resources on the Death Star. So, if a guard beats you too much, Tarkin here can file some paperwork." The Emperor laughed. "no, seriously, you won't be beaten that badly." Princess Leia just stared at him in horror. "You know what…I can see Tarkin is making you nervous. He makes me nervous too. Why don't we just go back to the conference room." He placed a hand on Leia's back, the princess shrugging it away. "See Tarkin…you made her nervous. That's why we have you no where near the door."

&&&

In the lunchroom, Durge was seated next to Asajj, a bare finger made of fibrous tissue quickly assimilating a cheeseburger. "So, Piett, what ya think of the new prisoner? Pretty hot, huh?"

"Yea, I guess."

"What are you, gay? Come on, you have to hit that." Durge laughed.

"Not really my type." Piett answered, all the while staring at Assaj.

"Well, what is your type?" Durge asked.

Piett thought it over, taking a bite of his turkey club. "Uh…jawas. Dark hoods, glowing eyes…small hands."

"oh, I hear that." Bob said. "Never feel bigger then when you're with a jawa."

"That's disgusting." Durge muttered, watching as Princess Leia walked into breakroom, flanked by two clones, grabbing a candy bar from the vending machine. "Man…I would knock those buns right off that girl's head if I weren't saddled with Asajj." The secretary stared at her fiancée as he bragged. "Hey Asajj…you know, I hear in prison, women will sometimes turn all lezzie and stuff…maybe you should…I don't know…talk to her."

Asajj stood up in disgust.

"What…you're always saying I need to try new people and meet new things!" Durge called out. "You'd be there…three way, baby…three way!"

&&&

"I'm just saying, you need to act quick." Piett said.

Vader nodded. "She's been talking to the Emperor a lot."

"You want to win that prize, right?"

"Definitely."

&&&

"I could definitely use the money." Vader said. "I want to install a Wii controller in my arm…play some Mario Galaxy…maybe see what the fuss about Twlight Princess is all about…"

&&&

"How can I get her to open up?" Vader asked.

Piett shrugged. "You had a wife…"

"I didn't have sex with my mother." 

Piett frowned. "Huh?" He asked, pretending to have forgotten that joke. "That…that is just…man, if you don't want my advice…"

"No no…please…" Vader asked.

"Ok." Piett said with a grin. "What you need to do is treat her like a wife. Like you treated your wife. What made her listen to you? Maybe…I don't know…go buy her a ton of jewelry, or get dressed up in a suit and offer to take her dancing…"

Vader stood up. "I know just the thing."

&&&

"I really don't know what is going on." Leia said. "Like…why I am in an office…or why there are cameras around…or why that guy keeps staring at me." The camera panned to reveal Creed, his chair right next to the window of the conference room, just staring at Leia. "Maybe I died…and this is Hell. Hell is an office building where the Emperor is the boss."

&&&

"Perhaps I should use the bathroom…" 

Piett shook his head. "It takes you 4 hours to get out of your armor to use the bathroom. Trust me, I've waited behind you at the urinal. Every second you wait is a second someone else gets the info from her…just go."

Vader nodded, steeling himself and marching towards the conference room. As he did, Piett hurried over to Asajj's desk, hanging up her phone.

"This is going to be good." He said with a grin. As Vader entered, Piett began to narrate in a whiny british voice. "hello there, I'm RoboCop's ugly brother. You see, I'm here because I heard that pretty things look better next to hideous things, and I thought that would make us the best coup…" Piett froze as Vader motioned for the torture droid to come in. "…le…."

"Oh no…" Asajj whispered.

"Oh no no no…" Piett stammered as Vader shut the blinds. "Don't…don't…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Piett and Asajj stared at each other, eyes wide as Leia screamed on for several minutes, before Vader emerged…giving him a thumbs up.

"Dear God…" Asajj whispered.

"I…do not want to know what he did with his wife at night."

&&&

Piett just stared at the camera, before putting his head in his hands. "Times like this…I wish I didn't work here."

&&&

Asajj wiped the blood from Princess Leia's brow. "I am so sorry about this." 

"Ugh….ugh…" Leia moaned.

"Oh…are you going to vomit again?" She grabbed for the bucket, holding it to Leia's mouth.

"Ooooh…ooohhhh!" The Emperor said as he entered, grinning like a school boy. "What do we have here? Maybe I should call Durge…he was telling me what happens with female prisoners…What are you doing, roleplaying? Leia is the prisoner and Asajj is the naughty nurse." Leia vomited up blood. "Wow…when you get into a role…you go deep. I'm impressed…you're like Robert De Niro with smaller breasts."

&&&

"Why…why did you torture her?"

Vader shrugged. "You would not understand women, my lord. That was not torture, that was pleasure." 

"Maybe for a Wookie…God, Vader…did your brain burn up in Mustatar too?" The Emperor massaged his forehead. "Did…did you at least learn anything about the plans?"

"no…her resistance to the mind probe was admirable." Vader paused. "As was her resistance to the…"

The Emperor covered his ears.

&&&

"You know…I can produce a scent that will make any woman fall in love with me." Xizor said in his monotone voice.

"You'd need it." Leia said.

"What?"

"Nothing."

The Emperor entered, holding out a Blu-Ray dvd player. "Here you are…just my way of saying sorry my Dark Lord of the Sith brutalized you…it plays movies."

"Thanks…" Leia muttered.

"Isn't that the prize for getting information out of the princess?" Xizor asked.

"What?" Leia asked.

"Huh?" The Emperor asked.

"Prize?"

"Info?"

"…it doesn't work with HD-DVDs, though."

&&&

"What's up?" Durge asked, walking over to where Asajj was sitting on Piett's desk. "Listen…I wanted to say sorry about the whole lesbian thing."

"Its fine." Asajj said with a slight smile, Piett shifting away quickly.

"Just to let you know…when we do have a three way…we can start off with another guy."

Asajj raised an eyebrow.

&&&

Piett walked over to Leia, who was busy looking over the Blu-Ray player. "You know…those things work better with DVDs."

"Yea…the Emperor decided to just get me this." Leia sighed.

"You know…I think I can help…"

&&&

"So…you want me to clean out the file cabinet?" Kurt asked.

"Yea…with the princess here, we can't keep any secret documents in the office…don't want her seeing anything top secret." The Emperor said.

"Where do you want me to put them?"

"Uh…could you…and you can say now…take them back to your home planet the next time you get off the station…you know…keep them at your house?"

"Sure…"

&&&

"You know…when there is no challenge…I almost feel bad for them." Kurt said.

&&&

"So…you and Durge back to being good?"

"Yea…yea we are." Asajj said. "So…where did you go off to during your lunch break?"

Piett shrugged. "Well…someone needs to guard the princess…so I picked up some Blu-Ray dvds…thought me and her could watch them." 

"…oh."

"You know…try and get her to trust me…reveal to me where the plans are hidden…"

"Ya…ya…listen…I…uh…need to get back to work…"

"Oh, sure." Piett said. "Sure."

&&&

"You know, to be a good emperor, you need to understand how to treat your enemy." The Emperor said.

&&&

Vader stared at Leia, who shivered as he walked past, followed by the rest of the crew, including Kurt, his shirt stuffed with documents.

&&&

"Yes, we are on different sides…but does that mean we have hate one another?"

&&&

The Emperor waved goodbye to Leia, who gave him a disgusted look

&&&

"Can't we all just be people? Everyone here is a person…well, except for Durge…and Guri…and Kurt…and I have some doubt about Asajj…bald head and all…"

&&&

Piett walked into the conference room, motioning for Leia to follow him.

&&&

"I mean…that's the whole thing…separating work from the rest of your life…and never should the twain meet."

&&&

In Piett's quarters, he handed Princess Leia a drink. She smiled, watching as he put in the DVD, the Captain sitting down on the bed, Leia snuggling up to him. He ran his fingers through her hair, waiting a few minutes before speaking.

"So…how does a man go about defecting to the Alliance?"


	4. Episode IV: Torture

"I care…perhaps too much." The Emperor said. "I just want what's best for everyone that works on this station, and especially in this office. I mean…yes, I have used Sith lightning on them. But I am always there with a glass of milk when they regain consciousness. Even if they're dead…and I think that says a lot. Take today…today we are deciding how to get information out of Princess Leia without having the Rebels claim we are kidnapping people. We are…don't get me wrong…but we don't want people to find out."

&&&

In the office, Mara and Bob were hard at work trying to balance the budget.

&&&

"Hello Montha…sweetie…sugar plum…"

"Don't call me that…or anything." The hologram said.

&&&

"Me and Montha had…relations. I admit it. But the thing is…we don't let that get in the way of our hate."

&&&

"So…we are discussing what can and can't be done with the Princess."

"There is only one thing that can be done, and that is releasing her."

"Of course, of course…just after we get our information."

Montha sighed. "Emperor…the Alliance is not going to stand by for this. Release Leia…" 

"…after we get our information." 

"…let me put it like this: If you hurt her in any way, I will personally hunt you down and…"

"I'm sorry...zzzzzz….you're breaking up….zzzzz…."

"Emperor…"

"…yes?"

"I can see you making that noise."

The Emperor nodded. "right…right…so, we will let the prisoner go, after we get our info. Great, sounds great, bye Montha!" The Emperor disconnected the holovid. "Yea…she still wants me."

&&&

"So then, Homer…wait, did you see this episode?"

"No, I have a life." Asajj remarked with a grin.

"What's that like?" After her chuckle, Piett continued. "I'll have you know that I have a life…that's why I had to watch the entire 11th season of The Simpsons on DVD."

"With Leia?" Asajj asked. Piett nodded his head, bobbing it back and forth. "So…you two are friendly…any luck with getting any info?"

"I…I think I'm close…I really do…"

&&&

"Yea…yea, me and Leia are spending time together. You know…I volunteered to guard her…and we talk…its all a ruse to get her to admit the plans…I'd…I'd never defect to the Rebellion." He chuckled weakly, as if trying to convince himself. "I mean, if I did…who'd make sure Vader didn't kill everyone in the office?"

&&&

"I need you to go to the princess and interrogate her…" 

"Yes!" Vader exclaimed. "First…how long should I make her death?"

"You can't kill her."

Vader nodded. "Ok, we'll come back to that. Two, I will need an entire level to set up a fully functioning death chamber with fully charged weapons."

"You can only work out of the conference room." The Emperor said.

&&&

"If Vader fails, this is strike two, and he really can't afford a second strike. The first one put him in the suit. What will happen with strike two…leave him just a head with wheels?" The Emperor thought this over. "You know, that might be really cool…I could put him in my desk when I didn't need him…use his workspace for ping pong…why don't people play ping pong anymore?"

&&&

"I'm not sure we should do this." Tarkin said, standing on the bridge of the Death Star.

"It is the only way." Vader said.

Leia looked at Tarkin as she was brought in. "Governor Tarkin, I thought I smelled your foul stench when I was brought on board."

"That isn't very nice." Tarkin said softly, sadly.

"Well, you do smell." Vader replied. "Now Princess, we are going to discuss the location of the hidden rebel base."

Leia held her chin up high. "I will never tell…is that Alderaan?"

&&&

Guri looked up as the office suddenly went dark. "Did the lights go out?"

"No." Xizor said, working on a word jumble.

The station shook. "Did the station just shake." 

"I don't know, I don't care."

&&&

"I did my duty. Yes, she gave us the wrong planet, and yes, I blew up a planet and killed billions of people…but I did my duty." Vader put his hands behind his head. "I can sleep well with that knowledge."

&&&

"The Death Star, this is Asajj." Asajj said, picking up her phone. 

"Asajj, how is everything?"

"Emperor…where are you?"

"In my office." The Emperor said. "I am just swamped…just a second…here comes the matrix…..whoa!"

"Are…you playing Dance Dance Revolution?"

"No."

"Good! Very Good!" The video game chirped over the phone.

"Anyway, just wanted to make sure everything is fun."

"Actually, people are kind of upset. Uh…Vader blew…"

"Oh, sorry, sorry…I'm going through a tunnel…you're breaking up…"

"You just said you were in your office…Emperor…Emperor?"

dial tone

&&&

"Uh, Vader…"

"Please, knock." Vader said from his seat, watching as Leia sobbed. "You don't know what sort of tortures I could be committing…"

"There is a giant glass window that lets us see in." Piett said.

"Uh…perhaps I am hiding what I was doing with the Force."

"No, you weren't." Piett said.

"I could…" Vader retorted back.

"Vader…" Asajj said, ending Piett's argument. "Are you really in charge of interrogating Princess Leia?"

"Yes, yes I am, and I am making headway." 

Asajj frowned. "You blew up Alderaan."

"Had to be done. Had to make a point."

Piett shook his head. "There wasn't a better way to make a point."

"Not at all. You give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk."

"So you…blow up the mouse's planet?" Asajj asked.

"Do you want mice in the Death Star, Asajj? With their little droppings and chewing on power cables."

"I thought we were talking about the Princess." Piett asked.

"…" Vader said nothing.

&&&

"Emperor…" Bob said, as the Emperor emerged from the bathroom, rubbing his hands on his robe.

"Make a note, Bob…remove those hand blowers and put in some paper towels. I don't care if it costs more, I refuse to wait 10 minutes for my hands to dry."

"Yes sir, but before that, I would like to talk to you."

The Emperor hurried towards his office, trying to get rid of Bob. "What about?"

Guri, who was standing by the office door, slammed her fist out, blocking it. "The humans in the office are concerned because the cyborg known as Vader blew up the spherical structure known as Alderaan, along with those that live upon it."

"Did you really do that?"

"Of course." 

The Emperor nodded. "Good…good…so, come to ask if we can throw a party?"

"The princess lied to him." Asajj said. "He blew up the planet for no reason, and now we are hearing rumors he is going to terminate her."

"Wow…just…that seems kind of harsh…" 

"Emperor, don't you think you should be handling this…or let one of your Hands?" Mara asked, glaring at Vader.

"No no…I'm much…much to busy…but hey, Vader, I have an idea…it takes a village to raise a child, right?"

"I thought it was a mother and a father that raised their child." Guri said. "It would be complicated for a group to do so."

"Figure of speak…anyway, how about this…how about you all get together and decide what methods can and can't be used…that way, we are all in agreement." He paused, noticing all the angry faces. "Plus…if you guys do a good job…you get a surprise!" He grinned. "Come on…surprise?"

"A surprise like, "Yea, this is cool" or "Please stop killing me"?" Bob asked.

"Uh…can't say. Would ruin the surprise…so…good luck!"

&&&

"Ok, everyone, listen up." Vader called out. "Since some of you have a problem with blowing up planets, I have decided to send out this form. Simply write down all the torture methods you are uncomfortable with, and I will not use them."

"Shouldn't we agree on what you can do, not what you can't?" Piett asked.

"No, that would be counterproductive."

"I'd like no torture!" Leia called out from the conference room.

"You don't get a vote." Vader snapped.

"Why doesn't she? Since she is being tortured, shouldn't she know better then us?" Bob asked.

"That's the point, idiot." Mara snarled. "She'd say no torture…"

"oh…" Bob thought that over. "But she would know better then us…"

&&&

Later, Piett watched as Asajj worked on her form. "Wait…don't write down waterboarding…" He held up his form, every torture circled. "Because I suffered through all of them."

Asajj laughed. "I'm coming up with torture methods that don't exist but once Vader sees them, he will be enraged because he'd want to try them out."

"That is both cruel and evil…very, very nicely done."

&&&

"So I was wondering if I could bring my crew on your little mine elevator ride, you know, boost moral…" 

"Mine…elevator…" The man on the other end of the phone asked in confusion. "Emperor…it isn't a ride."

"Then what is it?"

"It…it is an elevator, that leads to the Kessel Mines."

The Emperor clicked his tongue. "Ok, ok… but, once in the mines, is there laser tag or something?"

"…no, just miserable slaves, toiling away in spice mines for the rest of their days, praying that their bodies give out before the whipmasters notice and beat them for slagging. I doubt anyone wants to see that."

"…do you need an appointment…"

&&&

"AAARRRRRRGGGG!"

"I think Vader is mad." Bob said simply.

"How can you tell?"

In the conference room, Princess Leia screamed as furniture began to fly in the air, smashing into walls, Vader's howls echoing around her.

&&&

"The problem, Piett, is that people who should be suffering from horrific torture won't receive the pain they deserve, because someone in this office is coming up with really good ideas for torture and not allowing me to use them." He glanced down at the form. "Feed them salt until they dehydrate themselves? Is this because you know how much I enjoy slow, painful deaths?"

"Do you? I didn't know." 

"You need to confess…what are you doing…hey…" Vader tried to stop Piett, but was too late, the captain quickly moving his fingers along Vader's chest plate, shutting down his arms and legs. "Hey…hey!"

Piett calmly walked out the door, whistling as he happily tossed a force dampener box at Vader, then locking the conference room.

Leia looked down at Vader. "Sucks, don't it?"

"Bite…me…" Vader wheezed.

&&&

"Hey hey, everyone, Ice Cream Sandwiches!" The Emperor called out, holding out two grocery sacks filled with the snack treats. "Here ya go, take one, Guri, think fast!"

The droid stood there, the sandwich hitting her in the face, confusion written across her features.

"Hey, Kurt…printing off more stuff?" The Emperor asked, handing out more sandwiches. 

"…yea…just making copies of the forms Vader had us fill out about what torture we dislike…you know…for research…"

'Yea, yea…you gonna take those out of the office, right? Don't want the Princess seeing them." 

Kurt nodded slowly. "yea…back to my home planet, just like you said."

"Good, good…have an extra sandwich, for the trip." 

"I think it will melt by then." Kurt mumbled, the Emperor moving on.

"Here you go, Xizor…your people eat ice cream sandwiches, right?" 

Xizor nodded. "Yes…but I am to assume that this is merely a prelude to the big surprise, correct? For Lord Vader has been making me dream of his death more often, and I did not think that was possible."

"Huh?"

"Master…" Vader wheezed, banging his head against the door. "Master…"

&&&

Later on, in the conference room, Vader stood at his desk, watching the group carefully. "Since you all have decided to be funny, I have been forced to take drastic measures. I will now read each form of torture that was written. Please raise your hand if you have suffered from this torture and wish for it not to be used." He looked at the list. "Number 1: Had your penis inverted."

"How would that even happen?" Bob asked.

"Allow me to demonstrate…"Guri said, walking towards him.

&&&

The Emperor sat sadly in his office, eating all the ice cream sandwiches that had been left over, when a girlish scream pierced the quiet.

&&&

"Ok, having a hamster inserted into your rectum. Thank you Mara, I will make sure that is covered." Vader paused. "Ok, the next one is "The prisoner and Vader get married.""

Piett raised his hand. "I think I speak for everyone when I say we would never be that cruel." 

Vader took a few breaths. "I am a good husband."

"You choked your wife to death." Asajj said.

"…she had it coming."

&&&

"So…your suppose to be guarding me?" Leia asked.

Kurt nodded. "Pretty much."

"Any chance you can get me out of here?"

Kurt shook his head. "Sorry, the clones are way smarter then these guys…and that is a sad commentary on how we've failed to defeat the Empire."

Leia nodded. "So…want to play rock, paper, scissors?"

&&&

The Emperor emerged from his office to find himself faced with an angry mob. "Uh…hello there."

"We want to talk to you…" Bob said simply.

"About what? Sports? Politics? Celebs? Wondering if Max Rebo will ever get out of rehab?" 

"No, Emperor." Mara said. "We wish to discuss the Princess. Vader's tactics go beyond what even we think is necessary."

The Emperor frowned. "Vader…did you get any information?"

"The planet she gave as the base for the rebellion had an abandoned building, nothing more." Vader said.

"And…what are your plans now?"

"Terminate her."

"Yea, that's where we have the problem." Kurt said.

Asajj nodded. "If she's dead, we will never learn of where the base is." 

The Emperor nodded. "Yes yes…you make a very strong case. But…I want to go home, and tomorrow is the last day we have the conference room open…so I guess we have to kill her. Too bad. Ok, goodnight…" 

"Emperor…" Xizor said. "What about the surprise?"

"Surprise?" The Emperor said.

"Stanley's right, Michael" Creed said, everyone staring at him in confusion. "I'd personally like my surprise."

"Who is Michael?" Guri asked. "I show no records of a human named Michael working here.

"I have no idea." Mara muttered.

"Phyllis, Angela, please." Creed said, holding up a hand. "Michael…"

"Ok…ok…" The Emperor thought carefully. "The surprise…the big surprise…the surprise to end all surprises…" He clicked his tongue, bobbing his head back and forth. "The surprise…" He let out a long breath, making a motorboat sound. "It is…" Finally shrugging, the Emperor held out his hands and shocked them all with force lightning. "See! Ha, got ya! Didn't expect that!" He laughed, leaving the group slowly rising from the floor. "See ya tomorrow!"

Asajj rolled her neck. "I hate him sometimes." 

"We all do." Piett muttered, shutting off the lights.

"Hello?" Leia called out from the conference room. "Hello? You forgot to feed me today…hello? Are…are there any ice cream sandwiches left? I'll…I'll eat them…if no one wants them…" Her voice grew small. "hello?"


	5. Episode V: Conflict Resolution

"So…do you have a band?"

Asajj looked up from her filing, confused. "Huh?"

Bob repeated the question. "For the wedding…do you have a band? Because I have a band…we're really good."

"…is it a real band, you just you and 3 friends playing Guitar Hero?"

"…uh…"

&&&

"ok kid, lets be careful." Han Solo said, approaching the door. "I want to get this princess of yours and get back to the ship as fast as I can."

Luke frowned from beneath his helmet. "Are you more concerned with the danger, or wanting to get your reward?"

"Both…can't collect a reward if you're dead." Han muttered as he opened the door…and blinked at the sight before him.

Asajj looked at the 3 of them, confused. "Uh…what are you guys doing here…and what are you doing with that…thing?" She said, motioning at Chewbacca. The Wookie glared at her, snarling slightly.

"Prisoner transfer…" Han stammered, startled by the sight of Darth Vader making copies.

"Oh, what do we have here?" The Emperor said, emerging from his office, rubbing his hands together. "A friend to play with the princess?" He looked at the two troopers. "Take off your helmets, boys. We aren't formal here…" Han and Luke exchange looks before doing so. "Wow…you are hot!" The Emperor laughed, looking at Han. "Seriously…super hot. I could see all the women here falling for you." He chuckled, Han glancing about nervously. "You have a kind of Indiana Jones thing going on, all tough but with a sharp mind, if I am guessing correctly. Well, come on, lets get the prisoner in the conference room, and then I'll give you the forms to complete the transfer."

&&&

Luke stared at that camera, utterly confused. "I…I don't know…uh…what exactly is going on…uh…" He paused, looking to his right. "Did someone say something…no? No? Ok."

He sat there awkwardly for a minute.

"Uh…do you want me to…talk about being a stormtrooper? Sure…" he thought. "I enjoy…uh…storming it up. Oh yea, just storming it up…old school style. Definitely…definitely…"

&&&

"I do not think this is a wise decision." Guri said as Vader led her to where the photographer was stationed. "A glitch in my circuits has caused me to suffer from malfunctions when light it flashed into my optics."

Vader shoved her down. "You will not avoid this. To ensure security, everyone is to get an ID badge, including you."

The photographer focused in on her. "Smile."

FLASH!

Guri's eyes went red. "Kill all humans…" she said in a monotone voice, slowly marching away and through a wall, back into the office.

"…she'll be fine." Vader said simply.

&&&

"So…" The Emperor said, watching as Han and Luke looked at the paper work in confusion. "…since you're up here, we might as well have you take your ID badge photos with us…save us some cash-ola…"

"I'm going to chop you to bits and feed you to a rancor!"

"Geez…" The Emperor muttered, rushing out of his office, leaving Luke and Han behind. He hurried over to where Guri and Commander Cody were standing, yelling at each other, Tarkin watching on.

"I'd like to see you try, you bitch."

"That the best you got, runt?" Mara snarled.

"At least I don't hide my brown locks under hair dye…yea, I saw the carpet and the drapes, cutie, and let me suggest something, shag is out."

Mara snarled. "You dirty little…"

"Whoa, whoa!" The Emperor shouted, holding up his hands and stepping between them. "What…is the matter?"

Tarkin shrugged. "They're just having a small disagreement…no big deal." None of them noticed Luke and Han slowly slip out of the Emperor's office, trying to make their way to the conference room. "Can I…talk to you for a moment." Luke and Han quickly hid behind a fern, Tarkin and the Emperor standing right near the conference room. "Listen, this happens all the time. I'll just listen to them complain, someone might try to poison the other today, but then they will forget everything and get back to work."

The Emperor frowned. "That's your plan…hope they forget?" He shook his head. "no offense, but that is just stupid."

"Emperor…"

"Think about it: I had a disagreement with the Jedi. Did I forget about it? Did I decide to just let my anger go and go lead a happy life…not end up wrinkled and deformed and instead find a wife, have kids, and get revenge by having a wonderful life? No! I plotted for 13 years to have the Jedi killed and turn their golden boy into my apprentice." He smiled. "Everything worked out for everyone."

"…except for the Jedi you killed." Tarkin commented.

The Emperor groaned. "You…you know what, Tarkin? You just don't get it…you just don't…hey, why don't you go bugger off, and I'll settle this, ok?"

Tarkin shrugged, walking off as the Emperor went back to Mara and Cody, Luke and Han still hiding behind the fern.

&&&

"So…" Leia said, looking Chewbacca over. "…want to do each other's hair?"

Before Chewie could reply, Guri marched in, grabbed the TV and threw it against the table. "I feel pretty" Guri said in a monotone voice, sparks shooting out of her neck as the droid walked back out. Leia and Chewie stared at each other for a moment, before Chewie held out his hand, Leia painting his nails.

&&&

Asajj crossed her arms, not knowing why she was dragged away from her work, as the Emperor pulled out a binder. "A Mediator's Toolchest." The Emperor said happily, reading the binder. "ok, there are 6 types of conflict solutions. the first kind is lose-lose…where everyone…loses…"

"Can skip to number 6, win-win?" Mara asked, annoyed.

"actually, that is option 4. Option 5 is win-win-win…where I win for helping you guys."

Cody frowned. "What is option six?"

"Uh…lose-lose-win…that's where I use force lightning, kill you both, and take your wallets…oooo, that might work…"

&&&

Asajj held up the binder, revealing that it had been written by "Emperor Palpatine".

&&&

"Ok…so lets see…what exactly is the problem?" The Emperor asked.

Cody crossed his arms in annoyance. "Mara got this new poster for Empire Day."

"It has a cute picture of Obi Wan Kenobi being brutally killed."

"And it offends me, since I was friends with General Kenobi…well, until you told me to kill him."

The Emperor nodded in agreement. "So…you want the poster down?"

"I already agreed to take the poster down, and replace it with a photo of me killing someone else…"

Cody glared at her. "She picked my mother!"

&&&

"Taun We isn't…exactly my mother. She did raise me though…well, the droids at the…er…place I was raised with my…brothers…they raised me, but Taun We was friends with my…er…father." Cody shifted uneasily.

&&&

"Ok…so we need to come up with a win-win option."

"Win." Mara reminded him.

The Emperor smiled. "Yes, of course. Win-win-win. Now…ah, how about you kill your mother, Cody? That way, the poster goes down, Mara gets the woman dead, but she doesn't get the satisfaction of killing her."

"You…want me to kill my own mother?"

Mara crossed her arms. "I wanted to kill her…" She muttered.

"What if you just brutally beat her?" Asajj asked. "that seems fair." The others nodded in agreement, but the Emperor frowned.

"no…no, that won't work. That is a compromise. We want a win-win-win."

&&&

Kurt the Bothan licked his lips as made sure the closet door was shut, before activating the holophone. "Admiral Akbar. 3 strangers have arrived to save Princess Leia. I will do what I can to aid them, then escape the ship…"

"Hello." Guri said, throwing the door open and marching inside, her glowing red eyes making it clear she was still malfunctioning. She looked at the holophone and frowned. "Traitors must be punished."

"Guri…its not…" Kurt began, his explaination dying on his lips as Guri began to undress.

"Begging will not prevent this torture." Guri said, head twitching violently as she threw Kurt to the ground. Admiral Akbar's tiny hologram frowned, before looking down at the two, grinning and calling two buddies over.

&&&

"Ok…compromise is a savage beating…win-win-win, Cody kills his own mother…and I kills his own mother. Everyone wins."

"Except his mother." Asajj said.

&&&

Luke opened the door to the conference room, Leia looking him up and down. "Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper?"

"Huh?" Luke said as Han appeared.

"CHEWIE!?!" He bellowed, glaring at the Wookie, who had his hair done up in pigtails, his nails currently drying. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Chewbacca let out a series of barks.

"Trying to keep her company? We're not here for tea parties, you big idiot!" Han smacked the Wookie on the back of the head.

&&&

"I know he abuses me terribly." Chewbacca said with rich, upper class accent. "He called me names, hits me…he makes me so flustered that I can't speak and can only bark. But…" He gulped. "God help me, I love that man."

"Chewie!" Han bellowed from somewhere behind him. "Hurry up!"

Chewie let out a series of barks in reply, before turning to the camera, tears in his eyes. "He is the wind beneath my wings."

&&&

"Hey, hey, hey…" The Emperor said, approaching Han, Luke, Leia and Chewbacca. "I heard yelling…I don't know how you do it down in the lower levels, but we don't scream to settle fights. We discuss it calmly. Now…what is going on?"

"Nothing." Han said quickly. "We're not fighting."

"No?" The Emperor questioned.

"Well, the Princess did call me short." Luke said sullenly.

"Shut it!" Han hissed.

The Emperor clicked his tongue. "No…no, bad princess. Just because you are going to be executed doesn't mean you should be rude. And you, Mr…" The Emperor looked at Han's ID badge. "Han…Christen Anderson…you shouldn't tell Luke…" He looked at Luke's badge. "Perry to bottle his feelings." The Emperor sighed. "See, Tarkin…" He glared at the governor. "This is what happens when you let problems fester." The Emperor cleared his throat, getting everyone's attention. "Listen…the days of Tarkin letting problems be forgotten is over. We are going to air our grievances in the open, and work to fix them." He turned to the group behind him. "Princess Leia, go back to your cell, and think about 5 good traits Luke has. Han, since you like to talk so much…I'm…making you stand in the corner."

Han's eyes widened. "What?!?!"

"Go…go before I make this a lose-lose-I shock you situation. Luke…you and the attractive female Wookie…" Chewbacca cooed slightly, pushing up his hair at the compliment, "…can go and get something to eat while these two think about what they did." The Emperor waited for the 4 to leave before he addressed the rest of the office. "ok, you see these forms?" He held up the papers he'd grabbed from Tarkin's desk. "These are all the complaints Tarkin got in the last 8 months. Let's just go through them, shall we?"

&&&

"Are you sure you don't want to clean up."

Cody looked straight ahead, his shirt covered in Taun We's blood. "Yea…I'm sure…"

&&&

"Ok, here is a complaint from Aurra Sing…Kurt the Bothan never returns my called."

Kurt frowned, his shirt still ruffled and motor oil on his collar. "I already explained…I don't like you. I was only using you because I wanted to see your files on the Death Star."

Aurra frowned. "But that doesn't mean you can't return my calls, snookie bear."

"Don't call me that." Kurt said simply.

Piett raised his hand. "Vader tried to get me to have sex with him in the bathroom."

"WHAT?!" Vader roared.

"And I didn't say a word because I wasn't sure how I felt."

"I never did that!" Vader yelled.

Piett shrugged. "You put your foot in my stall and tapped the floor, then reached down and motioned me with his hand."

"First off, I have a wide stance. Second, I like to tap my feet when I go to the bathroom. And third, there was toilet paper stuck to my shoe! I demand you redact that."

&&&

"This sucks." Han muttered.

Guri, still malfunctioning, walked towards him. "Stand in the corner."

"I am standing in the corner." Han said.

"Second request, stand in corner."

"I am."

"Final warning." Guri said, grabbing Han by his stormtrooper uniform and lifting him in the air.

&&&

Leia stared at her list, having already put down, "Can attract the Emperor's attention easily" as the first trait.

"AAAAAAAA!" Han screamed as he was thrown through the conference room window and into the wall.

"That's not standing in the corner!" The Emperor called out, before turning back to Xizor and Creed. "Ok…Xizor, you are complaining that Creed keeps calling you Stanley?"

"That is correct."

"He's lying, Michael." Creed said, the Emperor making a face.

&&&

"I personally think they are the ones losing it." Creed said. "Michael hasn't even noticed that everyone here looks like people from the Star Wars movies all of a sudden."

&&&

"Ok, Bob, Mara says you called her over to your desk and you had your genitals out." The Emperor said. "Solution, Mara shows you her genitals."

"I accept." Bob said with a grin.

&&&

"Hey Vader, you should take off your helmet." Piett said as Vader prepared for his photo.

"I would die if I did that."

"But how do we know you are you and not someone in a Vader suit."

Vader shook his head as the photo was snapped. "No one owns a Vader suit."

Piett scoffed as he finished Vader's ID card. "That's just what a person with a Vader suit would say." He handed Vader the badge. "There ya go."

Vader stared at the badge. "First, I am not a security threat. Second, this not me, this is a picture of Wampa. And third, my name isn't Master Bater!"

Piett grinned as Vader stormed out of the lunchroom.

&&&

"And…he has shiny hair." Leia said with a groan. "Can I go now?"

The Emperor nodded. "I think you all learned your lesson. Now…"

"I demand Piett be fired." Vader snarled as he marched in. He glared at Luke and Leia. "Get out of here."

"Why?" Luke asked. "You're not our dad."

"No, but I can give you spanking like one." Vader snapped.

"Maybe we should stick around…" Leia said, a small grin creeping on her face.

Vader glanced at her. "That's what my wife use to look like when I suggested spankings…"

The Emperor rolled his eyes. "Yea yea, the Princess and Luke are your long lost children, hidden by Obi Wan from you." He said sarcastically. "God, you are an idiot. Luke, take the Princess and join up with your friend Han and the Wookie." Luke and Leia quickly left. "Now, what do you want?"

&&&

"What took you so long?" Han asked in annoyance. "I'd like to get out of here before we get caught."

"Leia wanted to stay…something about spankings?"

"…well, your worshipness, why don't we just get you back to Castle Anthrax so you and the rest of the girls can tempt some poor knight looking for the Holy Grail. Come on…"

"You know, your attitude is leading to conflict, and unless we get it out in the open…" Luke began.

"Oh just cram it!" Han bellowed.

&&&

"Ok…Piett, Vader wrote down a list of all his complaints against you…"

Vader held up a hand. "Why don't we just skip this and move to the part where you fire Piett. Don't worry…I'm sure you can find a new job. Hey…the Executor is in need of an admiral…I can put in a good word for you, since I'll still be working here…"

The Emperor shook his head. "no no…let's just…go through these. Ok Piett…Vader says you once replaced his lightsaber with a vibrator."

&&&

Piett grinned. "Took him 2 weeks to notice."

&&&

"Next, he says you programmed his suit to play 'Chocolate Rain'."

&&&

"Just a simple reprogramming." Piett told the cameraman. "You know…these aren't all that funny lumped together."

&&&

"Vader accidentally hit on a gay guy?" The Emperor said in confusion.

&&&

"Yea…everytime Vader left his desk, I changed one of his speed dials to a gay nightclub." Piett wasn't smiling anymore. "He…he deserved it, you know…yea, the phone thing is all I did…all that day…" Piett stared at the camera glumly.

&&&

The Emperor sighed, having finally convinced Vader to give him a few months to think the whole Piett thing. "Now see Tarkin…see how the spirit has been lifted in the office?"

Tarkin frowned, watching as everyone cradled their guns and lightsabers, ready to kill each other, while Guri continued to stomp around, head twitching as she destroyed everything in sight.

&&&

Han frowned, firing a blaster at a stormtrooper that had come at them. "Damn it…the way is blocked." He quickly fired at the control panel, shutting the door between them and the troopers, knowing it would only take a few minutes for the clones to get to them.

"Some rescue." Leia muttered.

"Maybe you'd prefer it back in your cell…getting spanked by Vader."

Leia licked her lips before shaking her head. "Don't remind me…" She turned, aiming her weapon at the figure coming around the corner. "Piett?"

Piett smiled, holding up his hands. "I'm here to help." Grabbing a gun, he fired at a vent. "That's the garbage vent…that will get you on the same level as your ship. You need to go, now. I'll cover your escape."

Luke frowned. "Why are you helping us?"

Piett held up a USB drive. "I'm hopping Leia can deliver this to the rebels for me."

"What is it, Piett?" Leia asked softly.

Piett smiled sadly. "My letter asking permission to defect to the Alliance."


	6. Episode VI: The Fire

"Kurt…Kurt Bothan…" 

"uh…I am a Bothan…that isn't my last name."

The Emperor frowned, leaning back in his desk chair. "It isn't? I thought it was."

"People…always call me Kurt the Bothan…"

"I thought The was your middle name." The Emperor said.

&&&

"The Emperor is evaluation the temp right now." Vader said to the cameraman. "He hasn't had sex with me in years." The Sith Lord said, failing to realize the Freudian slip he'd just made.

&&&

"So…what are your interests?"

"Uh…" Kurt said, thinking that question over. "spying. I enjoy spying."

The Emperor nodded. "That's good…we can always use spies against the rebels." 

"I…was more interested in spying on Imperials."

The Emperor thought that one over. "Well, we do need spies to do that…"

&&&

"Ever since the Emperor let Princess Leia escape…I've just been getting more cocky." Kurt smirked slightly. "I…honestly think if I told him his lightsaber was a lollipop, he'd stick the whole thing in his mouth and activate it." Kurt paused, considering that idea.

&&&

"Surprised, to see me, you are?" The Emperor said in a squeaky voice. "Know who that is?

"Kermit the Frog?"

"No…that's Yoda. That's what he told me when he tried to defeat me in battle. I ended up throwing the Senate at him…true story. Anyway, he didn't know how to spy, and thus he died. See…I just made a rhyme. It helps you remember things while spying."

&&&

Vader glanced over his shoulder at Kurt, who was currently looking through Piett's desk for stuff to send the rebels, then shrugged and turned back to the camera. "The Emperor and I have a special relationship. He is my master, true, but it is more then that. He is my Steve Yzerman to my Chris Chelios. It's not like it was Yzerman, Chelios, and 4 more guys on the ice."

&&&

"Shut down the garbage compactor on the detention level!" Luke cried out through the com unit.

"No no, shut them all down!" C-3PO cried.

&&&

In the office, alarms went off, notifying the of a hacker in the system.

Unfortunately, the Emperor had failed to explain what the alarm meant.

"FIRE!" Mara cried.

"Fire?" Vader cried out, pulling out his lightsaber, having a Mustafar flashback. "Die Obi Wan!"

Guri grunted as Vader chomped off her head, her body walking around looking for it. "Ow!"

"Everyone move in an orderly fashion!" Mara called out.

"You will not take her from me!" Vader screamed at Xizor as the alien began to walk towards the door.

"What are you talking about?"

"You underestimate my power!" Vader screamed in a near panic, only to end up electrocuted as the Emperor dashed out of his office.

Guri blinked, her head cradled in her hands. "Right…no, my right…no…Texas right, which is backwards!" Her body slammed into a desk. "come on…"

&&&

"Yes, I was the first one out." The Emperor said. "But it makes sense…remember, it goes Emperors and children first. So…I'm, if you think about it, doubley needed to get out first, as I am an Emperor…and I am a child at heart."

&&&

The Emperor wrapped an arm around Kurt as the group mingled about on the star destroyer that was stationed just near the death star. "See…if you are going to be a spy, you need to think ahead. What would you do if this were a spying mission, and the office was evacuated?"

Kurt shrugged. "…set up a triggering explosive to destroy any evidence that I'd been sending information to my commanders."

"Correct…very smart." The Emperor grinned, missing it as Kurt activated a remote detonator, blowing up his desk.

&&&

"I…I don't know how long I can stay here. I keep waiting for when command will bring me back…seriously…these people creep me out." Kurt said.

&&&

Piett looked around at the group, nodding his head as he came to a decision. "Ok, everyone gather around…gather around." He grew serious as everyone got close. "It is clear that our station might have been attacked. As such, we have to come together, connect deeply, if we want to survive. There was a spy among us, so it would be helpful to know about everyone here, so we can prevent the spy from…uh…spying. As such…we will be playing Desert Island, Who Would You Do, and…"

"Would You Rather?" Asajj said.

"That is correct…Would You Rather."

Before Piett could continue, the crew heard sirens, watching as clone troopers drove fire prevention ships towards the Death Star. Vader watched on dully as the clones got to work, memories of Mustafar, and the fact that Kurt was hogging all of the Emperor's time, making him feel sick.

"Ok…let's start with Mara. Three books you'd bring if you were stranded on a desert island."

Mara thought. "'The Moon Isn't The Only Thing With a Dark Side', by The Emperor."

&&&

"It is a wonderful book." Mara said, holding up the autobiography, the cover featuring a picture of a laughing Emperor spinning in a field of daisies. "Granted…he stole Chevy Chase's biography and just changed the names…but still, a wonderful read."

&&&

"Ok…what else?" Piett asked.

"Nothing else." Mara said.

"Are you…"

"I SAID NOTHING ELSE, WORM!"

Piett's eyes widened. "oooookay, moving on to Guri."

Guri thought it over. "My instruction manual…a guide to repairing broken droids…and 'Are You There God? It's Me, Jabba'."

Vader wandered over, shaking his head. "That's stupid." 

"What books would you bring?" Piett asked.

"None…I would use the force to part the ocean and walk to the mainland."

Asajj frowned. "You have to pick a book." 

"Ok…'Legacy of the Sith' by Darth Plaugeris." Vader said.

"Good…"

"Which I would use to learn how to part the ocean and walk to the mainland."

&&&

"Rule number 4 in spying…always take advantage of chaos to steal stuff." The Emperor said as Kurt walked behind him, stuffing floppy disks in his pants." Oh good, they managed to save our ships." The Emperor rubbed his hand over his shuttle. "Beautiful, isn't see. An investment in image. Where's your ship?"

"Uh…over there." Kurt said, pointing to a snubnose fighter. "Sir…"

The Emperor frowned, noticing all the documents stuffed in the seat. "What…what is this?" He peaked through the window "Are those…the Death Star plans." 

"Emperor…"

"No…I see what is going on…" The Emperor said coldly, snapping his head towards Kurt. "You're a spy…working to catch the rebel spy."

"Huh?"

"It makes sense! You are making the rebel spy think you are a traitor, that way the spy will come to you and you can kill them!"

"…exactly sir."

"Wow…you…you are just so…wow…" The Emperor beamed.

&&&

"Ok…5 movies…since no one apparently reads books anymore." Piett said. "Sly?"

Sly Moore thought it over, tapping her finger to her chin. "Tomb Raider…both of them…Beowulf, Girl, Interrupted, and…uh…I guess I'd have to go with A Mighty Heart."

&&&

"All with Angelina Jolie." Piett said, him and Asajj leaning against a console. "Seriously…All Jolie…"

"Well, I kinda liked Tomb Raider…"

"Wait, Asajj, wait. This isn't the Guilty Pleasure game. This is movies you'd have to spend the rest of your life watching."

"Oh God…" Asajj gasped. "I take it back." 

"Too late." 

"I take it back!"

&&&

"What are you doing?" Vader asked, walking up the Kurt and the Emperor.

"Oh, just discussing…top secret stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" Vader asked.

"Did you know, that Kurt here, is a spy trying to catch the rebel spy?" The Emperor laughed. "I bet he catches the spy before you." 

"I bet not." Vader said. "I caught the Jedi."

"No, the clones did that. You killed children and got beaten by Obi Wan…pathetic."

"I'm…I'm not pathetic." 

"Yea…ya are."

Vader stared at him for a few moments before storming off.

&&&

"Ok, Asajj…your turn." 

Asajj nodded. "Ok…Hostel, Hostel Part 2, Saw, Saw 2, Saw 3…"

Piett's eyes widened. "Wow…into murder porn, much?"

Asajj shrugged. "The sound of death helps me go to sleep."

Piett licked his lips nervously. "Ok…lets move on to the main event: Who Would You Do?"

"Can we pick anyone?" Bob asked.

"…sure."

"Asajj." Bob said, grinning at her. "I'd wreck you." 

Asajj shuddered.

"Ok…" Piett said nervously. "Let me…uh…explain the rules…"

"I LIKE BIG BUTTS, AND I CAN NOT LIE! YOU OTHER…"

"Would you excuse me?" Piett said. "Xizor…take over." He and Asajj walked over to Vader's TIE Interceptor, where Vader sat, listening to the music. "Uh…Vader…could you turn that down." Vader sighed, but did so. "What…what is with the song?"

"I'm depressed." Vader said.

"And you picked that song?" Asajj asked.

"It reminds me of my wife." Vader said.

"Because she had a huge ass?" Asajj asked.

"No…she loved Sir Mix-A-Lot. Why would you think she had a big ass?"

Piett quickly changed the topic. "Uh…why so glum?" 

"The Emperor is only listening to Kurt…I think he wishes Kurt was his apprentice."

Asajj nodded, trying to hide her smile. "You know…I bet Kurt is jealous of you, too. I bet he goes home and thinks, "Wow, I wish I were 2/3rds robot."

"Oh, like that matters…I hope the rebellion keeps fighting and Kurt has to take them on alone on some barren planet." 

"Vader!" Asajj scolded.

"You're right…he'd probably end up a hero, the annoying little…"

"You know what you should do?" Asajj asked. "You should march over there, and kick the Emperor in the balls…really show him." She envisioned Vader, squirming, as the Emperor frying him.

"no…then Kurt wins. Thanks though."

&&&

"What's going on?" Durge asked later on.

"Oh…we're just playing some games." Asajj said.

Durge nodded. "What kind of games?"

"Who would you do?" Xizor said.

Durge clapped his hands. "Oh, Mara, definitely." He failed to see Asajj's glare. "She looks like she is very wild…and after dating baldy here, hair would be a definite change."

"Oook!" Piett said quickly. "Let's move on." But even as he spoke, Asajj had stormed off.

"Ok, you next, Piett."

Piett glanced at Asajj's retreating form. "Uh…Bob…definitely. We both love jawas."

"We do love jawas." Bob agreed.

"Ew." The Emperor said. "If you're going to pick someone, why not Kurt. He's sexy, smart…I'd bang him right now."

Kurt's eyes widened in horror.

"Attention…" Everyone turned towards Vader, who stood in the doorway of his TIE Interceptor. "The Emperor believes that Kurt can find the spy…that he is better then me at finding rebels. And yes…I was saddened by this. But instead of brooding…I plan to find out exactly what happened in the Death Star!" He leapt into his TIE Fighter, starting the engine and lifting off.

"Oh Vader…stop being a drama queen!" The Emperor called out, even as Vader took off towards the Death Star. "Jeez…can you believe that guy? Big show off…bet you he comes back her in five minutes, apologizing for making a scene."

Xizor frowned. "And if the Death Star blows up?"

The Emperor just stared at him, eyes widening slowly.

&&&

"You see, the thing people don't realize is it takes a long time to find a good apprentice. I mean, I had to wait for Vader for about 13 years…I'm too old and too busy to do that again. Which means…if he dies…" The Emperor thought that over, the camera slowly getting closer to him. "…if he dies…"

&&&

The crew all watched the Death Star, as if just waiting for it to go boom. The Emperor just paced, muttering about Vader's stupidity and wondering how long it took to go there and get back.

Finally, Guri, her head still cradled in her arms, bobbed her head back and forth. "There!"

Everyone gathered around as Vader flew back in, the Sith Lord leaping from his TIE fighter. "Attention, everyone…I guess being a spy means not remembering to lock prison doors…because the alarms weren't fire alarms…they were the garage compactor shutting down, because the Princess escaped through them!" Vader pointed at Kurt. "in your face, bitch!"

"…and Princess Leia…did you catch her?" Asajj asked.

"…uh…"

Mara shook her head. "idiot."

&&&

"So ya, it turned out to be a false alarm." The Emperor said to the camera. "But think about this…Vader was willing to go into a potentially exploding Space Station, just for me…what does that tell ya, huh?" He paused. "Seriously, what does that tell ya, I'm not sure."


	7. Episode VII: The Fight

Vader groaned, waking up from his rest in his specially designed chamber, and stretched his arms.

Or tried to.

&&&

"Piett!" Vader roared, storming into the office, his arms missing. "What did you do with them?"

"Do with what?" Piett asked innocently.

"You know what…where are my arms?"

Piett rolled his eyes. "You can't blame me every time you misplace something. Now thing, where is the last place you saw them?"

"ON MY TORSO?"

Before Piett could answer, Bob emerged from the bathroom. "Hey guys, you have got to try out the new plungers." 

Vader slowly turned towards Piett, Asajj giggling behind him.

&&&

Later that day, after Vader had managed to get his arms attached, Piett was sitting at his desk, making calls to the stormtroopers in charge of finding the rebel base.

"Right…I'm just saying, just because a planet is covered in water, doesn't mean they can't…"

"Wait…" Vader said to himself. "No…"

Piett raised an eyebrow, but continued with the call. "No, sorry, I didn't hear that last part…"

"I sense something…a presence I haven't felt since…"

Piett sighed. "Can I…can I call you right back? Great." He turned to Vader after he hung up the phone. "What you are feeling is what we humans call gas."

"No, you fool. I sense a disturbance in the force."

"And if you force that disturbance, it will make a loud noise through your butt."

Vader snapped his head towards Piett. "I sense my old master."

&&&

"Before I came to work for the Emperor, I worked for the Jedi Knights. Much more rigid then this place, much less fun. There, I was merely a Jedi Knight…they let me sit on the council, but refused me the rank of master. Here, I am a Sith Lord…and there are only 2 of those in the universe. Yes, I am merely an apprentice, but still…an apprentice is just as respected as a master."

&&&

"I don't want to stay till 7 again." Xizor complained.

"I don't…have control of that." Asajj said simply.

&&&

"Vader thinks his old boss, Mr. Kenobi, is on the ship whenever a Jedi is spotted, the Emperor has to make record of it and sign a bunch of forms. Unfortunately…the Emperor hates filling out the forms." Asajj frowned. "And considering he created them…it doesn't make sense."

&&&

"I don't want to work…I just want to bang on my mug all day…" The Emperor sang.

"Did…you call me in here for a specific reason?" Kurt asked from the seat infront of the Emperor's desk.

"Yes…I have an important assignment for you. I want you to update everyone's contact info." 

Kurt frowned. "That would give me…names and numbers of Imperials and their family…people the rebels could kidnap and use as bargaining chips?"

"Yea." 

"Are you sure you want me doing this…I could be a spy."

The Emperor laughed. "Listen to you, thinking so highly…just get to work, ya knucklehead."

"Could you maybe fill out those Jedi killing forms?" Asajj called out.

"Yak yak yak…"

&&&

Kurt stared at the camera, bemused. "And yet…the rebellion can't beat these guys." He paused, nodding his head. "Lets see how far I can push this." 

&&&

"Uh…my mother is my contact…Tina Lars-Piett. 555 Jabba Road, Mos Espa…"

The door to the office opened, and an elderly old man walked in, dressed in brown robes, his blue eyes scanning the room, surprised at what he was seeing. "Hello there."

Asajj glanced up. "Can I help you with something?"

"Yes…uh…I was looking for…"

"Obi Wan." Vader snarled, standing up. "You should not have come back."

"And yet, here I am." Obi Wan said smoothly.

"The circle is now complete. Once I was the student, and now I am the mas…where is my lightsaber?" He reached down, annoyed. "Where is it…"

Piett held the saber up. "Is this it? I found it…think it would make a great butter knife."

"Give that back! It is not a toy!" Vader roared.

"It is too a toy, and you should have been more careful. This weapon is your life." 

Obi Wan smirked. "Don't bother, I tried to teach him to hold onto his saber for years." 

Vader growled. "Stay out of this, old man!" He reached out to grab the saber, Piett merely tossing it back…

…and into the Emperor's hands.

"What are we doing…playing keep-a-way?" He laughed. "I love that game." He turned towards Obi Wan, who was even more surprised to find the Emperor on the station. "Master Kenobi, hey man! What is up?" He looked the Jedi over. "Man, you got old! What have you been doing?"

"Hiding from you." Obi Wan said simply.

"Oh, that's right, the whole Order 66 thing." 

"Emperor, please give me back my lightsaber so I may finish him." Vader pleaded.

The Emperor thought it over. "You know what…why bother? I already won…and Kenobi looks about 6 minutes away from dying…" 

"I…am standing right here." Kenobi complained.

"Lets just let him live." The Emperor clapped his hands. "Hey…let me introduce you to the crew!" He grabbed Obi Wan, dragging the perplexed Jedi around, Vader fuming.

"I can't believe you are letting him get away with that." Piett said.

"I would have killed him if I had my lightsaber."

Piett shrugged. "maybe, but what about the fact that the Emperor refuses to fight him?"

"He isn't refusing…he is being civil." 

"Right, right…wuss!" Piett coughed.

"What?"

"Nothing." 

Vader shook his head. "You're lying…Emperor!"

&&&

"And who is your emergency contact?" Kurt asked.

Obi Wan frowned, the Emperor having left him in the breakroom. "Kurt?"

"Yes?" Kurt said, never looking up.

"You know me…why are you even asking me that. I don't work here, either." He frowned. "Have they drugged you?"

"No, they're just really stupid. Hence the T-shirt." He pulled open his jacket to reveal a "Rebel Alliance Softball Team" t-shirt.

Obi Wan stared. "And they haven't…"

"I'm on my way to winning Employee of the Month…" He smirked slightly. "What does it say about the Jedi that you couldn't beat a crazy old man and his whiny apprentice."

Obi Wan shook his head. "I could have joined the Agri Corps. Led an easy life, tend the fields, made friends…" 

"Had sex." Kurt interjected.

Obi Wan frowned. "Huh?"

"The whole "No attachment" deal."

Obi scratched his beard. "Well, yes, but that has nothing to do with sex."

"The Jedi allowed sex?"

"All the time. I had this pretty little thing on the side named Siri, demon in the sack. Just wild." Obi Wan grinned. "And Master Yoda…why do you think there were so few female Jedi? He was keeping them in his apartment!"

"But…Vader said…"

"oh, that idiot was so straightedge." Obi mimicked Anakin's voice. "I want to remain a virgin till my wedding night! I don't smoke, I don't drink." Obi scoffed. "Pussy."

&&&

"Why would you think I was a wuss?" The Emperor asked. "If anyone is a wussy, it's Vader."

"Yea, that's…what?" Vader asked.

Piett smirked. "Why's that?"

The Emperor shrugged. "I don't know…because the one time he was suppose to fight Kenobi, he ended up burned and with all his limbs cut off." 

"He merely…"

"And he whined about his wife…that's why he turned to the dark side."

"To save his mom." Piett asked.

"no, his wife." 

"His mom is his wife."

The Emperor's eyes widened. "She was? Wow…I always figured Padme was a slut…but getting knocked up that young…"

"Padme wasn't my mother!" Vader snarled.

Obi Wan entered at that moment, Kurt following him, both wearing "I joined the Rebel Alliance and all I got was this stupid hat" baseball caps. "What are you talking about?"

"We're talking about how big of a wus Vader is." Piett said.

Obi Wan nodded. "Yes, he totally is."

Vader growled. "Stay out of this, old man."

"And the fact that Padme was a whore-a-rama." The Emperor said.

Obi Wan grinned. "Oh yea…did her." 

Vader turned towards his old master. "WHAT?!?"

"She was a nympho, everyone got a poke. Qui Gon, Mace…even Jar Jar."

"JAR JAR?!?!" Vader roared in fury.

"Oh, like I am so scared." Obi Wan taunted. "Did you know he cried while watching Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer." Obi Wan asked.

"No way!" The Emperor laughed.

"Shut up!" Vader roared at Obi Wan. "I did not." 

"You sobbed like the girl you are." Obi Wan said.

"I only cried because…because I sat on a thumb tack…"

Obi Wan raised his voice to a girlish level. "Oh master, are they really going to let Sue Storm die?"

"Shut up!" Vader screamed, mortified. "I swear to God Obi Wan, I will punch you in the tooth if you don't shut up!"

"Oh, you should have seen him when we played Final Fantasy 7. He broke down like a baby when Sephiroth killed that girl."

"It was a touching…" Vader began, before shivering in rage. "RRRRRRR!" He lunged, throwing a punch…

…Obi Wan ducked…

…and Vader clobbered the Emperor.

The office froze.

"eeeeeeeeeeeeh." The Emperor groaned, crawling to his office. "P…piett?"

Piett quickly opened the door, the Emperor throwing himself inside and screaming in agony.

Obi Wan merely smiled.

&&&

"I come from a long line of fighters." Vader said. "My great grandfather was a famed space pirate. My grandfather…fought depression. He lost…grandma was a harpy that sucked the life out of him."

&&&

Piett watched as Vader and Obi Wan continued to shoot glances at each other from across the room. "Ok, they either need to fight or kiss."

Asajj giggled. "Which would be worse?"

Piett looked over at her. "Please…do something."

"I don't know…"

"I'll bring you the heart of a young virgin."

"…ok." Asajj said, standing up and heading over to the Emperor's office, knocking on his door. "Emperor?"

"I haven't finished the forms yet."

"No…I was just wondering when you would be leaving."

"Leaving?"

"Well…Vader is the no Emperor, right?"

"…come in."

Asajj did so, the Emperor frowning as he thought about her comment. "What did you mean by that?"

"Vader struck you down…that makes him the master, right?"

The Emperor shook his head. "Lucky punch…Vader is weak…he couldn't even beat Obi Wan."

"How do you know? Obi Wan might have gotten lucky in their duel on Mustafar."

The Emperor considered this, before emerging from behind the desk, storming into the main part of the office. "Apparently…a lot of you think Vader is super strong. Well, he isn't. And to prove that…Vader vs. Obi Wan, down in the docking bay, 30 minutes…Asajj, order some popcorn."

&&&

"Now…most people would be trying to find the princess, who is still on the loose. But the Emperor is giving us an hour long lunch so we can watch Vader fight Obi Wan." Piett grinned. "I love working here."

&&&

Vader rolled his next, readying himself for the fight. "This will be the end of you, my master."

"Oh Vader, I forgot to tell you, you know that Macaroni picture you made me…I threw it away."

Cody frowned. "That seems mean, throwing out a child's piece of art." 

"He did it when he was 19." Obi Wan said.

Bob began to giggle.

"Shut up!" Vader roared.

&&&

Piett wiggled his fingers. "Did you know I have Jedi powers?" 

"Oh?" Asajj asked.

"Yea, watch!" Piett attacked her, tickling Asajj.

The woman squealed, wiggling away from him. Piett continued, pressing his attack. However, when he lifted Asajj up in the air, the two of them noticed the looks they were getting from Guri and Sly, and Piett dropped Asajj to the ground, the woman slamming to the ground.

&&&

"You know Vader…" Obi Wan said, blocking his strike, "…I do feel bad about the way we treated you."

"Don't bother, I'm not coming back to work for you."

"Of course not…once you join the dark side, forever will it dominate your destiny."

"No…" Vader said, swinging his blade. "Because they have a better dental plan." He whirled around.

"You can't win Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful then you can imagine."

Vader paused, considering this. "Then…wouldn't you want me to strike you down?"

"Uh…I guess so…"

"But power leads to the dark side…so I should strike you down."

"Right."

Vader nodded. "But you could use that power to strike me down…"

"True."

"But that would make ME powerful…"

"BORING!" Mara called out.

Vader snarled before swinging his blade through Obi Wan…everyone in the crew in shock as Vader actually did the deed.

"Holy…" Kurt began, now wearing a sandwich board that read 'Rebel Spy!'.

"NOOOO!"

Everyone turned to see Luke standing before them in shock.

"Hey Luke!" The Emperor called out, waving at the young man, only for Luke to begin shooting at him. "That isn't nice!" He called out, him and Asajj using their lightsabers to block the shots as Princess Leia and Han Solo dragged Luke onto the Falcon and took off. "Jeez…talk about manners…you'd think his mother had died during child birth and left him to be raised by moisture farmers."

Vader merely tapped Obi Wan's robes, before bellowing. "Take that bitch! What? WHAT!?! Vader like a m-----------, fool!"

"Ok, that's enough." The Emperor said.

Vader instantly went calm. "Yes master."

Everyone began walking away, missing the look Leia and Piett shared before the Princess boarded the Falcon.


	8. Episode VIII: Casino Night

"Tonight, we are leaving the Death Star and going to the Executor for Casino Night. Now, I know some people might say, "Emperor, shouldn't you be on the Death Star as it heads towards Yavin to destroy the rebels?" To which I answer by saying, "Don't question me" and kill them with force lightning. They should know better."

&&&

Vader carefully adjusted his bowtie, making sure it was straight, before walking towards his desk…only to end up with Piett stopping him.

"Nice tie…"

"Thank you."

Piett nodded, looking over a document he had. "Hmm…need to put this somewhere…ah." He snatched Vader's bowtie off, revealing it was merely a magnet, and used it to put the document he had been holding up on the filing cabinet.

"Jerk." Vader muttered, taking back his bowtie.

Meanwhile, Durge was leaning against Asajj's desk, gripping. "So…I can't kill anyone?"

"Or maim or injure."

"This blows."

"It will be fun…there will be booze and gambling…"

"And a lack of killing." Durge muttered in annoyance.

"Come on…if you go, I'll put on that nightie you like…" 

At that point, Piett walked away as quick as he could.

&&&

"Why did I ask Leia if I could defect?" Piett asked. "Isn't it obvious? I…have no future here."

&&&

"I don't see what the problem is." The Emperor said.

"You are going to try and blow up our base." Mon Montha voice said on the speaker phone. "Don't you see why I would be annoyed?"

"No. In fact, I should be annoyed, as I hear you are planning to try and attack the Death Star. But don't worry, I'm not mad…I know you won't be able to stop us." 

"That's a bit arrogant." 

"Not at all…that's the opposite of arrogant…its…humbogant."

Mon sighed.

"Hey, by the way, we are having Casino Night tonight…think you might want to attend? Show the people how much you care for them?"

"I…I don't care for them, Palpatine. I want you all dead." 

"Words…harsh but loving words."

"…goodbye Emperor."

CLICK

&&&

"Yea, me and Mon were lovers…but we both understood that it is important to stay true to ourselves. I like controlling the galaxy. She enjoys…uh…collecting different aliens races and convincing them to try and kill me. Its like she is Ash Ketchum, and I'm Gary Oak…and Admiral Akbar is Pikachu. Except he's a fish instead of an electric mouse." The Emperor paused. "I prefer Yu-Gi-Oh! myself. Have a mint Ultimate Cyber Dragon…very nice."

&&&

The Emperor sat on Asajj's desk, the crew gathered around him. "Ok kids…tonight's event is to benefit Ewok Scout Troop Number 1138."

"We do that every year." Commander Cody complained.

"Well, they need our help…they aren't like the Jabba Scouts who can threaten to feed your mother to a Sarlac." The Emperor smiled. "Besides, the person with the highest credit count will get 500 credits to donate to the charity of their choice and a mini-fridge from Rendar Refrigeration. I will personally be playing for the Jedi Knights' of Latter Day Saints fund."

"That doesn't exist." Piett said.

"There are still charities, Piett."

"No, he means you murdered all of them." Asajj said. "Command 66."

"Oh yes!" The Emperor said. "Duh!"

"You have to pick an approved charity…uh…sir." Mara said quickly.

&&&

Creed thought things over. "There is a great soup kitchen is Scranton…wonderful pea soup. I'd give the money to them…if I could find out where Scranton went."

&&&

"No, I don't know what a 'Scranton' is." Bob admitted.

&&&

"I think he's nuts." Mara admitted.

&&&

"Oh! Another fun thing…at the end of the night, we are going to have a real Ewok Troop come at the end of the night and accept the check, right Tarkin?"

Governor Tarkin frowned. "I…didn't think it wise to bring Ewoks in…they are violent and skidish and we are having Hooters cater…"

The Emperor just stared at Tarkin. "What horrible thing happened to you that removed…all the joy and happiness from your heart?"

"You kidnapped my mother and raped her."

The Emperor thought that over. "Yea, that would explain it. Well…since the Jedis are dead, I will instead play for Shave the Gungans."

"You mean Save the Gungans." Asajj said.

"No, shave them…they are very hairy."

"Aquaitic-Nabooians." Guri said.

"Huh?"

"My processor tells me they now wished to be called Aquatic-Nabooians."

"They aren't called Nabooians, they are called Nabooiganders." The Emperor said.

"No, its Naboobies." Sly said.

"No, that's the name of their most popular strip club." Vader said happily. "Padme use to work there during the summer…Queen Amitata was her stage name." 

"So they're called Amitatas?" Creed asked.

"No, I believe they prefer Nubians." Mara said.

"What's a Nubian?" Piett quipped.

"Ok, ok!" The Emperor snarled. "Forget it."

&&&

Later that night, everyone was dressed in what they considered to be their best, ready to begin gambling on the Executor.

"Welcome…welcome!" The Emperor called out happily. "Today, I am not your Emperor…Lady Luck is your Emperor."

Several red guards dressed in tuxes (and still wearing their helmets) perked up. "Find Empress Luck! We must protect the new Empress!"

"No…no you idiots…" The Emperor called out. "Damn it…never mind, just gamble, enjoy yourselves…or I'll kill ya!" The Emperor laughed. "Seriously, I'll kill ya."

&&&

Later on…

The dealer looked to the Emperor. "Sir?"

The Emperor shoved all his credits in. Everyone else folded…except Tarkin.

"Tarkin…fold."

"I have good cards, Emperor." 

"But I just went all in…"

"I have good cards." Tarkin said, flipping over the king and ace that would give him a royal flush. The Emperor meekly flipped over his 2 and 3. "See?"

The Emperor glared. "You…you know what…I have a special prize for you…I want you to go back to the Death Star and lead the attack against the rebels."

Tarkin frowned. "But it's Casino Night…"

"Eh eh eh!" The Emperor held up a hand. "No words…go…"

&&&

"I expect to do well tonight." Vader said. "I can read people well. For example, every time Piett itches his nose, he has a great hand." 

&&&

Piett scratched his nose. "I'll raise two." 

Vader threw his cards, which made a flush, down. "Fold."

Piett shrugged, revealing he had only a 4 and a Jack.

&&&

"It's so annoying…I got this bug bite on my nose, itches like crazy." Piett shrugged.

&&&

"Hello Emperor." 

The Emperor's eyes widened. "Mon Montha? I…I thought you weren't coming." 

"I wasn't, but I just wanted to see your face when the Death Star went boom."

The Emperor shrugged. "Then I guess we'll be sending the rest of our lives together, because that station will never go boom. Now, if we are going to be married, we need to discuss children, I personally want a lot…"

"For someone so sure of yourself…why did you rush to send Tarkin to man the station?"

"You sent Tarkin?" Vader asked, his tone mournful. "Why not me? I'm the Assistant Emperor." 

"Assistant to the Emperor." The Emperor and Mon both said.

"ARRRG!" Vader roared. "I will prove to you I am the Assistant Emperor. I will go to my Tie Fighter, I will find the rebels, and I will kill them! Then none of you will laugh at me!" Vader's voice grew whiny. "You won't! You won't!" He stomped his foot and left.

Mon raised an eyebrow. "Wow…"

"Yea." The Emperor said, before spotting someone. "Mon, I'd like you to meet Kurt the Bothan…he's my protégée!"

"Uh…nice meet you Kurt."

"Hi Aunt Montha…er…I mean nice to meet you" Kurt stammered, the Emperor not taking notice.

&&&

Meanwhile, at the sabbac tables, Asajj, Piett and Bob were finishing up a hand.

"All in." Asajj said with a smile.

"Really?" Piett questioned with glee. "You sure?"

"You want to play, show the cards." Asajj taunted.

Bob folded, but Piett was up for a game, throwing in some credits. He was still smiling, even as Asajj revealed her winning hand, taking his chips. He…wasn't smiling when she kissed a drunken Durge, who was celebrating her win.

&&&

Heading into the shuttle bay, Piett walked over to the rebel fighter that was currently sitting there, Mon Montha waiting for him.

"Firmus Piett." 

"Mon Montha." He returned, leaning against the ship. "Enjoying the party?"

"Looking forward to the one my rebels will be throwing tomorrow with the destruction of the Death Star." She admitted. "So…you ready to go?"

"Now?" Piett asked.

"Things are going to go haywire when the Death Star blows…I figure it would be better if we got you out then rather then wait."

Piett licked his lips. "Can…can I have a few minutes to pack my things?" 

"Sure." Mon said. "But hurry up."

&&&

"The Death Star is 30 minutes from clearing the planet."

Tarkin frowned. "Why don't we just blow up the planet? I mean, that would leave us free to fire on the moon base…heck, might even destroy the moon with the planet explosion."

"The Emperor has a timeshare on the planet." A clone said.

"Of course…"

&&&

"Ya babe, I gots to get out of here." Durge said, reving his swoop bike up. "I want to go take some pot shots at some of the clones…watch them all crap themselves when I fire off my blaster."

Asajj frowned. "How am I suppose to get back to the Death Star?"

"Don't worry babe, some dude will give ya a lift. Just give that ass a wiggle and they'll all be ready to come running for ya."

Asajj glared at him as Durge drove off, not noticing Piett until he was right behind her. "OH! You scared me."

"Yea." Piett said simply. "Can we…talk about something?" 

"About when you are going to give me more of your money?"

"No…"

"Are you sure, because we can…"

"I'm in love with you." Piett blurted out, Asajj freezing mid-word. "And not in a friendly way. I've…been in love with you since the day I saw you. And ya, it ate me up you were with Durge, someone who doesn't deserve you, but I thought I could get over you…I can't. I'm dying inside, Asajj…and I can't keep this bottled up anymore."

Asajj shook her head, in utter shock, trying to wrap her mind around what he was saying. "Piett…I can't…"

"I know…but…I needed you to hear…before…"

"Before?"

Piett sighed. "Nevermind…I need to go…"

"Before what, Piett?" She asked as he turned from her, Asajj grabbing his arm. "Before what?"

Instead of answering, Piett merely ran his hand over hers. "I know you think of me as a friend…"

"Not think. You are my friend…my best friend…"

"But I want to be more then that." He finally said. Before Asajj could say a word, He turned around and held her close.

&&&

"The Death Star has cleared the planet."

&&&

"I have you now young Skywalker."

&&&

"I just needed you to know before…"

&&&

"You may fire when ready."

&&&

"What?" Vader cried. 

&&&

"YAHOOOOOO!!!" Han yelled.

&&&

Piett smiled weakly. "…everything changes." He grasped Asajj's face and kissed her passionately.

&&&

"Come on kid, let's blow this thing and go home!"

&&&

The Emperor grinned, standing behind one of the large windows in the Executor. "You know…I just have this feeling that everything is right in the world…"

BOOOM!

The Emperor frowned. "Did you feel the ship shake? No…nah, nevermind."

END OF SEASON 1

Tune in next week for Season 2: The Empire Strike's Back


	9. Episode IX: Clone Witch Hunt

Vader sat at his desk, fiddling with some of the servos in his arm. Applying pressure to one tube, he accidentally sent a blast of oil at Kurt, who was seated at the desk next to his.

&&&

"Piett defected to the Rebellion, which means he'll be our biggest source of information about the Empire. And with the Death Star gone, I can go back to the Rebllion." Kurt paused. "Just waiting for the transfer papers…just waiting now…for 7 months…"

&&&

Asajj put on a brave smile. "I…I told Piett that I understood what he was saying…but that I didn't feel the same way. I made a commitment to Durge…and I wasn't going to break it…uh…" The camera tilted down, revealing Asajj's lack of a wedding ring.

&&&

Vader stared at the camera. "He's gone…Piett is gone…and all I can think is…why…why didn't I kill him when I had the chance?!"

&&&

The Emperor swiveled in his desk chair. "Well, we lost the Death Star. Terrible thing…but now we are stationed here, on the Executor, which is almost as good. Will be glad when the second Death Star is built." He grinned. "On the plus side, Tarkin is dead."

"No I'm not." Tarkin said, the camera panning around to reveal Tarkin in the office, perfectly healthy. "I managed to get into an escape pod."

"Traitor…should have stayed with the ship…all good captains do."

"I'm a governor, not a captain." Tarkin said simply, before moving to the matter at hand. "Emperor, I've received a complaint from Commander Cody that you said you think all clones are horrible?"

The Emperor sighed. "I was talking about cloned meat…its unnatural and tastes bad…"

Tarkin frowned. "But sir, Cody took offense to that."

"Oh why would he?" The Emperor laughed.

"Because Cody is a clone."

"…I will admit that he tends to act like everyone else…"

"Sir…Cody is an actual clone."

"…"

&&&

The Emperor leaned towards Cody, whispering quietly. "I am so sorry, man…so sorry…I didn't know…"

"Its fine…"

"Listen…the thing is…I am just so utterly not-a-clone that I can't imagine what it's like to be a clone…maybe sometime you can take me out for a beer and explain what it's like to be an affront to God."

Cody stared at the Emperor for a moment, startled. "Yea…that sounds like a wonderful idea." He muttered sarcastically.

"Great…great." The Emperor said, leaving Cody alone…not realizing that Mara and Bob and heard everything they had said.

&&&

"Ok…ok Red 2…ok…I understand…yes…yes…a turkey club…" Piett said to the other person on the phone.

&&&

"Yup, I'm with the Rebel Alliance. Now part of their group…low man on the totem pole, really…before hand I was an admiral. Now…I deliever sandwiches." Piett shrugged. "But hey…doing my part, right?"

&&&

"Hey, Big Bantha." Han Solo said, leaning towards Piett. "See that chick over there?"

"Princess Leia?" Piett questioned.

"Yea…she is completely crazy." Han grinned. "Stay away, Big Bantha."

&&&

"The first day I worked here, I accidently gave Han a Bantha burger instead of his order of a Corillian Wrap. He's been calling me Big Bantha ever since…I don't think he even knows my real name."

&&&

"Big Bantha is a super intense guy." Han said. "Doesn't like to talk much, never laughs at my jokes…does that mean I suck at joke telling…or that the Emperor removed his sense of humor?" Han leaned forward. "What do you think?" 

&&&

"So, end of day, I'm going to need someone to help me put away some heavy cargo containers." Princess Leia said. "Anyone interested?" 

"I'll help." Piett offered, even as Luke glared at him.

&&&

"Piett is such a suck up." Luke pouted. "Leia only pays attention to him…she should be paying attention to me. We have a real contection…" Luke grinned. "man…sometimes I dream about the things I'll do to her…"

"You'll regret saying that…" Obi Wan's ghostly voice laughed.

Luke looked around, confused.

&&&

Durge slowly, sadly, walked over to Asajj, two plates in his hand. "The pool of nutrients or the fried chicken?"

"…chicken."

&&&

"I…didn't go through with it." Asajj admitted. "Got cold feet. Can't explain it. But I'm moving on. I have my own cabin here…ours was blown up, so its not like I wasn't getting one…I began taking art classes…to deal with my rage…so far I've only killed 2 other students…a record."

&&&

"After Asajj dumped me…I stopped taking care of myself…got really fat, which my species can't even do, so yea…I was in a bad place. I'm nice to her still…I plan on killing her, but I have to kill someone else first." Durge turned and fired his gun at a picture of Piett.

&&&

"I gave them a microwave." Xizor said. "They gave it back to me when they canceled the wedding. I couldn't return it…so now I have two microwaves…which…isn't actually that bad. I can make mini pizzas and hot coco at the same time." Xizor flashed a rare grin. "I like mini pizzas."

&&&

"Can you tell who is a clone and who isn't?" The Emperor asked Vader.

"Yes, my master."

"What about Cody?"

"He isn't." 

"Well…he is."

Vader frowned, confused by that. "That makes no sense…I am never wrong…he must be lying." Before the Emperor could stop him, Vader stormed out of the Emperor's office and began to force choke Cody. "Admit you aren't a clone…admit it! ADMIT IT!"

Cody gasped for air, Vader strangling him harder.

"Oh frak…" The Emperor muttered, removing Vader from Cody. "What is wrong with you…" 

"He is lying!" Vader roared. "He isn't a clone…"

"Cody's a clone?" Guri questioned. "What is the problem?"

&&&

"All humans look the same to me." Guri admitted. "I sometimes wonder why my robot brothers have not killed them all yet."

&&&

"You know what?" The Emperor snarled. "Everyone in the conference room, now! Clones, originals, robots…whatever Xizor is…" Xizor didn't look up from his crossword puzzle. "NOW!"

&&&

As Piett took more sandwich orders, Han was busy working on the Millennium Falcon. Reaching down to get a wrench, he found his tools had been encased in Jell-O. Piett tried to hide his smile as Han stood up.

"Wow…really funny…really really funny." Han said with a weak laugh. "Pranking me…well…" He drew out his blaster and began to randomly shoot people, Piett ducking for cover. "I HELPED BLOW UP THE $&ING DEATH STAR, ASS WIPES! SHOW SOME RESPECT!"

Piett continued to cower as the Rebels dragged a ranting Han away.

&&&

The Emperor sighed, looking at the group. "Yes…Cody is a clone. But does that make him any less of a person?" He paused. "Yes…because he is a filthly clone. But who should be the judges and juries in the galaxy?"

Mara frowned. "Judges and juries."

"No, me. I'm the Emperor." The Emperor smiled. "And I judge Cody to be ok. So what if he has no soul? Or that his mere existence is a slap in the face of God. I say…hey, we all have faults. I like to eat ice cream even when I shouldn't."

"And you enjoy killing people." Cody muttered.

"Correct." The Emperor said. He stood up, motioning for Cody to do so. "Now…I want to show you all…that it is ok to be a clone…" Andwith that, the Emperor grabbed Cody and French kissed him. Cody's eyes bulged out as he struggled to free himself, the other crew members near the point of vomiting. "See?" The Emperor said, releasing the gagging Cody. "I'm ok."

&&&

Kurt shook his head. "I knew it…I just knew it." He paused. "Dear God…please let the Emperor never find out I'm different."

&&&

Later that night, Piett helped Leia finish putting away the last of the cargo containers, the Princess smiling softly. "Thanks Piett…listen…how about we go back to my quarters…get a night cap." 

"…sure…" Piett finally said, grinning.

&&&

"People are different." The Emperor admitted. "But hey…just because we are different doesn't mean we have to hate each other. We can be robots or clones or siths…and all still work towards the true goal…hating the rebellion."

&&&

"AAAAAA!"

Piett burst out of Leia's room, dressed only in his underwear, a ball gag dangling from his mouth and his hands bound with pantyhoses.

Leia emerged, dressed in a tight black leather corset, spiked heeled boots and holding a whip in her hand. "Hey…come back…Mistress Leia didn't say you could leave yet!" 

Piett scrambled as fast as he could, slamming into someone as he turned a corner. "…Veers?"

Commander Veers, head of the stormtroopers, breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God, Piett, I found you."

"What…what is going…" 

"You had us all fooled, thinking you'd joined the rebellion, but I knew they'd really just kidnapped you. I'm here to get you out of here…my team is waiting." 

Piett paused, before nodding quickly. "Right…never defected, always with the Empire, they never tried to…do whatever the hell the Princess was about to do…"

"PIETT! Be a good slave and come back to Mistress!" Leia called out.

"We need to go now." Piett said, running towards the exit.

"Piett, your nearly naked and it is –75 degrees out!" Veers shouted. "The odds of surviving out there are 175,433 to 1!"

"Come on Piett, I promise I'll start with the smallest one." 

Piett's eyes widened as he covered his butt. "I'll risk it!"


	10. Episode X: Negotiations

"So…I'm back with the Empire." Piett said. "The story is that I was kidnapped…so…I'm hoping they don't chop my head off." Piett shrugged. "Better then spending the night with Leia…God…she would give Vader a run for his money in the freak-olympics." Piett sighed. "The Emperor knows…he decided to send me to a therapist…a woman named Karen…really nice. Really nice…I'm...thinking about asking her out…don't know…"

"Piett?"

The camera turned to reveal Durge, slowly reaching for his blaster.

"Did anyone tell Durge what really happened?" Cody asked.

Sly shook her head.

"Piett!" Asajj cried out as Durge raised his weapon, pulling the trigger…

…only to grab at his throat and gasp.

Vader stood, hand outstretched, force choking the bounty hunter. Durge gurgled quietly before he finally collapsed, dead.

"Apology accepted, Durge." Vader said coldly.

&&&

"Every day, I force choke someone." Vader said. "Turns out today I finally did it to someone that deserved it. Who knew?"

&&&

"I don't see what the big deal is." The Emperor said coldly.

"Vader murdered one of our employees!" Tarkin snapped in annoyance.

"Not like it isn't a common occurrence."

Tarkin sighed. "The problem is that now, Boba Fett is demanding that he be paid more to hunt down the rebels."

The Emperor groaned.

&&&

"I don't want to talk about it." Asajj said simply. "I'm serious." She stared at the cameraman. "I said I didn't want to talk about it!" She flicked out her lightsaber, slamming it forward, the camera falling to the ground as the camera screamed in agony.

&&&

"All things considered…I'm lucky Vader was there…" Piett paused. "Unless he was trying to strangle me and missed…"

&&&

"Hey…Vader…I never thanked you for stopping Durge."

"No need. A sith does not help others. I killed Durge because I wanted to…you could have died for all I cared."

Piett frowned. "I…got you a gift."

Vader grabbed the box Piett was holding, wrapped in pink foil, and threw it into the incinerator. "Sith do not accept gifts."

"uh…that was your lightsaber…I had it cleaned."

"…mother-"

&&&

"You ready for me?" Boba Fett asked, shouldering his blaster.

The Emperor nodded. "yes." Boba sat down. "no…lets do this in the conference room." Boba stood up. "On second thought…we can it here…" Boba sat down. "No…conference room."

&&&

"I've been reading up on negotiating tricks…one of my favorites is switching rooms…confuses the person." The emperor paused. "Of course…I left everything in need in my office…"

&&&

The Emperor and Boba stared at each other, neither saying a word. The Emperor was playing with a pen, Boba polishing his blaster.

&&&

"Trick number two…refuse to speak first."

&&&

"I think they killed each other." Xizor said. "I hear nothing."

"My optic sensors show two heart beats. Do your human hearts continue to beat after dying."

Xizor pointed to Durge's cold, dead body, which still lay stiff on the floor. "Why not check him and see?"

&&&

Finally, tired of waiting, Boba began to speak, The Emperor smiling in satisfaction. "The thing is, with Durge dead, I have to work twice as hard to track rebels, and as such, I believe I deserve a larger bounty."

The Emperor stood up. "Boba…you are a good bounty hunter, and a good man. But…times are tough…what with us losing the Death Star…" 

"Holy shit." Boba said, chuckling. "You're wearing panties."

The Emperor looked down, noticing that his robe had come open, revealing a pair of pink laced underwear. He quickly closed his robes, frowning.

"no…those are briefs."

"Those are panties." Boba laughed, pulling out a camera phone. "I need a photo of this!"

The Emperor, annoyed, stormed out of the conference room and marched up to Asajj. "Look at my underwear."

"We discussed this before, that's not part of my job description." She said, never looking up.

"I'm serious. Tell Boba these aren't panties."

Asajj looked up, jaw dropping. "Oh my God, you're wearing panties."

"You're wearing panties?" Bob asked, confused.

Aurra Sing grinned. "Hey, we match!" She pulled her pants down a little, revealing that she was wearing the same set of panties.

&&&

Piett stared at the camera. "And…yet another thing for my psychiatrist Karen and I to discuss."

&&&

The Emperor sighed, looking over at Boba. "I want you to write down the amount you want, per bounty, and slide it over to me."

"Why?"

"because…its cool."

Boba sighed, quickly writing down he proposed bounty, and slide it back to The Emperor, who calmly read it…before his eyes bugged out. "Are…are you drunk?"

"Not really…still a bit high from last night."

"What?"

"nothing."

The Emperor shook his head. "The point is, what you are asking for is way…way too much."

"I don't think so. Jabba is paying me that much for each bounty."

"That isn't true." The Emperor said.

"What do you mean?" 

The Emperor scoffed. "Jabba barely pays the Empire this much in bribes…"

"No way…you're making less then I am?"

"That's not…" The Emperor began, only to groan as Boba took out is IPhone, sending some text messages about the Emperor's lack of pay.

&&&

"At me atleast take you out for a beer after work." Piett said.

"First off, I can't drink beer. It makes me tipsy and causes me to sing David Bowie songs." Vader said sternly. "Second, let me ask you…when Han Solo shot me down and helped young Skywalker blow up the Death Star…did he do so the get a free beer?"

"Uh…"

"No, he didn't…but you would know that if you had bothered to gather any info while you were kidnapped."

&&&

Han frowned. "Hey…you're right…why didn't I get a free beer? HEY PRINCESS! Get your lopsided rear out here, we need to talk about my payment!"

&&&

"Emperor…here is the 15 credits I owe you." Bob said.

"Thanks." The Emperor said. "But it was only 10."

"Yea, but I figured, what with your money problems, you will need this more then I will."

&&&

Xizor nodded. "Yes…I heard how much Jabba bribes the Emperor…even less then he bribes me." He smiled slightly. "Booyah."

&&&

"I know…I know…its so small…" Boba chuckled. "Yea…I'd feel pathetic too…very unmanly…oh, and get this, his bribe money from Jabba is about as small as his pe…ya…ok, ok…bye Mrs. Palpatine." The bounty hunter hung up his phone. "You mom is nice."

"Yes…yes she is…but Boba…I can't increase your bounty…I don't have the funds." 

"You'd have it if you'd get Jabba to pay you more."

"I…I can't do that."

Boba scoffed. "And why not? That slug is wiggling in money. He gots mad honeys and greenbacks all over. You need to get paid!"

The Emperor nodded, picking up his phone. "You're right…you're right…I'm doing it…I'm doing it now." He hit the speed dial.

"Gorba?"

"Jabba…this is the Emperor. We need to talk about your bribe payments."

"Nor tusu bibib." 

The Emperor frowned. "I will not wait…lets do it today. I'll bring Boba." 

"Thogimu?"

"Yes, Boba…"

"AAAA! Nosu wabbie!"

The Emperor frowned. "That wasn't something nice to say! I'm coming right now…come on Boba!"

&&&

Later on, The Emperor and Boba sat in the waiting room of Jabba's palace, preparing for the negotiation.

"You ready?"

"Yes." The Emperor said.

"You remember that huttesse phrase I taught you?"

The Emperor grinned. "Toyuku roj fuuu!"

&&&

"IT means, "Your mother was a whore"…I just can't help myself." Boba laughed.

&&&

"What is this?" Vader asked, picking up the certificate that lay on his desk.

Piett frowned. "I…don't know." 

Vader read the paper. "This certificate honors a special boy for his bravery and heroism…" He shook his head in surprise. "Wow…"

&&&

"Yea…the Emperor has a bunch of those that he gives out to sick kids during his press junkets…" Piett grinned. "See…there is a teddy bear wielding a lightsaber in the corner."

&&&

"The honorable Lord Jabba wonders why you are here." The translator droid asked.

"I'm here to get my money, bitches." The Emperor said, just as Boba had taught him.

The translator relied this to Jabba who grumbled his response. "Lord Jabba asks why he should give you a larger bribe." 

"Uh…because I'm me? I'm Palpatine, on the scene, down and out with OPP?"

The translator droid told Jabba this, who furrowed his brow. "Lord Jabba askes…are you high right now?"

"High on my high horse, bitch." The Emperor said, giving the camera a thumbs up.

Jabba roared out in frustration, hitting the translator droid. "The…mighty Lord Jabba states that you are lucky to receive what you do…he will not pay you any more."

"Oh yea…well… Toyuku roj fuuu!"

Jabba froze, staring at the Emperor…before he began to tear up. He sobbed sadly, the translator hurrying to pass on the message. "Lord Jabba never knew his mother…this news brings him such closure…yes, as payment…he will give you what you wish."

"Damn straight."

&&&

"See, that is the thing about negotiations…you never know what will happen. Did I think I would get a bigger bribe. Yes…yes I did." The Emperor paused. "So…I guess I was wrong…you can know what is going to happen." 

&&&

The next day, Piett entered, a tanned skinned, dark haired woman following him. "Hey guys…I'd like to introduce you to my new girlfriend…my psychologist, Karen Flipelli…"

Karen smiled. "Hel-" She gasped, grabbing at her throat, before she fell to the ground, dead.

"Apology accepted." Vader said, releasing the force choke.

&&&

"Am I a hero? No…I'm just a guy that kills people that might be a threat. The real heroes are those that kill not because of duty but because of passion. Son of Sam…the Unabomber…Karl Rove. They are the real heroes."


	11. Episode XI: Boys and Girls

"Today is Women's Day. The Emperor, for some reason, wrote into the Empire's new constitution that women get one day a month on board the ships by themselves." Asajj paused. "Again…not sure why." 

&&&

"Three letters: PMS." The Emperor said simply.

&&&

"This is a terrible idea." Vader said. "Letting the women be alone together."

"Why's that?" Piett asked, never looking up from his laptop. The guys were on another Star Destroyer, the one selected to house the men during the Women's Day.

"What if they realize it is better just to be lesbians…we could be facing a crisis…no more sex…"

"You haven't had sex in 20 years." Piett said simply.

"…even worse." He paused. "What if they have sex on my desk?"

"Guys, circle around." The Emperor called out. "Come on…lets go." He nodded. "Ok…so I wanted to ask you all…why are men expected not to do the same things women do? Why can't we play with dolls or wear makeup…"

"Or wear pink panties." Piett asked.

The Emperor frowned. "I only did that once…"

"But if you could, you would do it again?" Kurt asked.

"Uh…"The Emperor said, before deciding to change topics. "You know what? I think we need to focus on something else…something more manly…and I know just what that is. Come on guys, to the docking bay."

"Why?" Creed asked.

"Because we are going to hang out with the bounty hunters." 

&&&

The crew looked on as the bounty hunters moved about the docking bay. Some where cleaning their weapons, others were working on their ships, the robot bounty hunter was throwing puppies into the air and shooting at them…a truly wild scene.

The Emperor quickly called for their attention, moving about the room, making introductions. "This is Boba Fett, one of our bounty hunters. What is your biggest fear?" 

"That some wrinkled old man will keep us from finding the Millennium Falcon."

"Ok…and where is Durge?" 

"Dead." Bossk snarled. "Vader killed him."

Vader nodded, while Creed merely smiled.

&&&

"I stole the body." Creed said. "I'm using it as a coffee table." 

&&&

"Now…this is a powerful day. You may see two groups here…blue collar and white collar…"

"Actually, our collars are black." Kurt said simply.

&&&

"So…what do we do know?" Mara asked. The women looked at each other, not really sure what they were suppose to be doing.

"How about we use this time to bond?" Sly suggested. "What if we each say something we're good at. I'll start. I am good at public speaking."

Guri nodded. "I am good at killing people." 

"Took the best one." Mara muttered.

&&&

"I don't know how I fit in with these people…I mean, I understand girl power and all that…I listened to the Spice Girls…but all I want to do is kill them all."

&&&

"I got a great idea." Boba said. "How about we go up into your command center and do nothing, while you guys hunt the rebels…a trading places kind of thing."

"No…no…lets not…" The Emperor said, grabbing Boba's gun and twirling it. "My job sucks compared to this…" His finger slipped, causing the blaster to fire, knocking off the bounty hunter droid 4-LOM's head right off.

&&&

"I'd like to be sober." Sly said as the women discussed their hopes for the next five years.

"That's really good…really good to be thinking about not drinking anymore." Mara said.

"Oh no…I just meant that one day. One day, in five years, I hope to be sober."

Aurra Sing frowned. "Kurt had better hurry up and ask me to marry him."

"You guys only went on one date." Assaj pointed out.

"So?"

&&&

"We need to discuss manly things." Vader said. "To show we are different from the women."

"We could talk about tampons." Piett suggested.

"Or birth control pills." Kurt said with a grin.

Behind them, the Emperor had gotten into Slave 1, and was playing around with the controls. "Emperor…be careful…" Boba warned.

"I got it!" The Emperor called out. He paused, looking down at a flashing red button that had arrows pointing at it saying DON'T PRESS ME! "I'd have to be an idiot to press that button." The Emperor muttered, moving to the more sinister skull-and-crossbone shaped button. "But this one should be ok!"

ZAP!

Dengar screamed as his head wrapping caught on fire, running about in a panic until he finally dunked his head in a toilet. The bounty hunters glared at the Emperor who smiled weakly.

"Someone should have put danger arrows around that button."

&&&

"And I would like a walk in closet." Guri said. "That is my dream."

"Robots don't dream." Mara stated.

"…that is what my hard drive is making me desire."

"What about you, Asajj?" Sly asked, before shotgunning a Bud Lite.

"uh…I've always dreamed of having this little white house, on a nice planet…with a terrace and a swing and a dungeon where I can torture my enemies…" Everyone stared at her in shock. "Uh…and drawing…I can draw really well…"

"Oh, really?" Aurra asked.

"Yea…take a look at this." She handed over a doodle she had done of Princess Leia being eaten by badgers.

"I love the shadowing on their teeth." Mara said.

"And the way the light bounces off their fangs." Sly agreed.

"And the way you pressed your ink dispenser against the parchment." Guri said, everyone just ignoring her.

&&&

"Ok…guy gripefest. Bounty Hunters, what's annoying you?" The Emperor asked, his cloak off and his shirt unbuttoned so that he could show off his "muscles".

"People setting me on fire." Dengar said.

"Ok…ok…what else?" The Emperor asked.

&&&

"I am bored out of my mind. Why do I need to spend time with these women?" Mara questioned. "I am the number 1 Emperor's Hand, I am just about ready to kill Vader…sure, I don't have a boyfriend…even though I am smoking hot…but I am working on that."

&&&

As the other women talked, Mara typed an address into her Internet browser, sighing happily as Luke Skywalker's Myspace Page came up. She lovingly ran her finger along the picture of him, smiling as she read his new Daily Quote: "My Best Friend is a rolling trash can…God, I need to get laid".

"Ditto, Luke…ditto."

&&&

"I hate it that I go, kill some guy just so I can get some extra cash so my wife stops bugging me, and then she whines, "you're never home!"" Bossk complained, everyone except for Piett and strangely Boba clapping in agreement…even the droids.

"What are you cheering about?" Dengar asked the Emperor. "You ain't like us. You don't need to work for your cash." 

"Oh…I work." The Emperor said.

"Yea, sitting on your ass." Bossk complained.

"Damn straight." Boba added. "We do twice as much as you and get millions less."

"Billions." Kurt added, enjoying the tension he was making.

"You know what we need to do?" 4-Lom asked, head sitting in his lap. "We should get the money you are paying to the women. They do nothing."

"Uh…maybe not that…" Boba said, to the surprise of some of the men.

"Yea!" IG-88 exclaimed. "Female and fembot wages to males and menbots!"

The Bounty Hunters began to cheer loudly.

&&&

"You know what I hate?" Aurra asked. "The fact we make so much less then the men."

"Yea, that does suck." Mara stated. "I work a billion times harder then Bob and Cody, but they still make more then me."

"Glass ceiling." Sly agreed, crushing her beer can on her forehead.

"Maybe for you it makes sense." Mara quipped. "But for the rest of us?" 

Asajj nodded. "We should talk to the Emperor about this."

The Emperor, at that moment, poked his head in. "I've decided to give your ladies' pay to the bounty hunters. Thanks."

The women stared at each other in shock.

&&&

"Being a boss means having to deliver bad news…" The Emperor said, only to duck and a blaster fired at him.

"Give us our money back…or you die." Guri said calmly.

The Emperor paused, licking his lips. "…and the bounty hunters will just have to accept that they can't always get what they want."

&&&

"Quite a Women's Day." Piett said with a shrug. "The girls spent all day talking about things that would make a feminist scream in rage, and we hung out with people that I am pretty sure wanted to kill us…come to think of it, I haven't seen Kurt in a while…"

"PIETT!" Kurt screamed, running past the room Piett was in, the bounty hunters chasing him. "For the love of the force, help me! They think this is a fox hunt!"

"…I should really do something about that." Piett thought it over for a moment, before pulling out his IPhone and turning it on. "ooo, Asajj sent me a Youtube video about the Juggernaut acting like a racist black guy…"

"PIETT!" 


	12. Episode XII: Beach Day

"Everyone have their swimsuits and towels…and arm floaties?"

Asajj frowned. "Why would we need arm floaties?"

The Emperor scoffed. "In case you go into deep water…duh." Asajj merely stared at the Emperor, not even able to muster the energy to look surprised.

&&&

"I'm excited, today is beach day!" Sly said happily. "I'm all ready, take a look." She pulled up her top, revealing she wasn't wearing a bra. "What? No…I don't have a bathing suit." She told the cameraman. She grinned. "Aren't they just wonderful though?"

&&&

"Anyone need sunblock?" Tarkin asked. "I have SPF 30." 

"oh…sorry Tarkin, but I need you to stay behind." The Emperor said.

"But…it's beach day."

"I know…but hey, someone needs to guard the ship. Besides, what's the worse that can happen?"

Tarkin frowned. "The last time I stayed behind, the Rebels blew up the Death Star."

The Emperor nodded. "We can only hope for a repeat." 

"What?"

"Nothing."

&&&

"There is another reason for this trip. You see, I'm not getting any younger, and because if have no sons…that I have good relationships with…and I need to insure things are in order. I need to prepare for my retirement. As such, I am going to be holding some contests today." The Emperor smiled. "Nothing too life threatening, but stuff that will help me decide who to name my heir. Oh, and I have Asajj taking notes."

&&&

Asajj help up the notepad in disgust.

&&&

"Whenever life gets you down…has you wearing a frown, and the gravy train has left you behind…when you are all out of hope, down at the end of your rope…and no one is there to throw you a liiiiiiine." Bob sang as the gang rode in the shuttle towards the site of Beach Day.

Mara joined him, as did Sly and Kurt. "If you ever get so low that you have no place to go, come and take a walk in my shoes…never worry about a thing, got the world on string, cause I got the cure for all of my bluuuuues!"

Everyone joined in at that point. "I take a look at my enormous penis, and my troubles start a melting away." 

"Ba-oooo-bop!" Veers sang.

"I take a look at my enormous penis and my happy times are comin' to stay."

&&&

"We're here!" The Emperor called out, leading the crew onto the planet. "Ladies and gentlemen…Lake Dagaboh." The crew laid out their beach blankets and umbrellas, even though the entire planet was an overcast swamp. "Ok…everyone up." The crew stared at each other, confused. "We are not just here to relax." 

"Oh boy…" Xizor muttered.

"We are here to play so fun, exciting, not worthy anything coughbuttheyarecough beach games. I will be selecting 4 team leaders, completely at random…uh…Piett, Vader, Veers and Xizor, step forward and select your team mates."

Piett thought it over for a moment. "Kurt."

&&&

"Firmus Piett…pros…smart, cool, fun loving, great sense of humor…remind you of anyone?" The Emperor flashed a yellowed stained smile. "Cons…gets really freaked out whenever anyone mentions Princess Leia or ball gags."

&&&

"I choose you, my master." Vader said.

"Nope…I'm not playing, take Mara instead."

"…fine." Vader muttered. He glanced down at Mara. "Don't screw this up."

"I'd cut off your balls if they hadn't been burned off on Mustafar." Mara sneered

&&&

"Darth Vader…my apprentice…I selected him to be the next Lord of the Sith…however…turns out he is a whiny bitch."

&&&

"We are now going to choose team names. Vader?"

Vader held his head up high. "We will be Vader's Fist." Mara rolled her eyes, while Sly merely took out a hidden flask and downed some of its contents.

"Ok…we will be Padme's Fist." Piett announced, Kurt and Bob grinning.

"P…Padme?" Vader stammered.

"Yea…you want to beat us…beat us real bad till we die?" Piett asked.

Vader began to breath harder.

"Ok, ok…Xizor, your team name."

Xizor frowned. "I don't care what you call my team."

"Then you will be the Green Team." 

"No…we will be the Danger Rangers." Xizor said smugly, Guri and Creed confused.

&&&

"I am considering Xizor…for all the good things aliens have done for the galaxy."

&&&

"We will be Team Palpatine." Veers announced, Cody and Aurra discussing they mutual hatred of Finding Nemo.

"Good…Asajj, make note that Veers enjoys kissing my ass."

&&&

"Veers…I needed another group leader." The Emperor shrugged.

&&&

"The first contest will be the great piggyback race. One member of your team will be blindfolded, another will ride on their back, shouting directions as you all race through the swamp."

"What about the other person?" Bob asked.

"What?" The Emperor questioned.

"There are three team members…one won't do anything?"

"Correct."

"Then why not make two more teams of those that don't get to play?" Cody asked.

"Asajj, note that Veers can't control his group. Ok, lets get started!" The group quickly began to get settled, deciding who would sit out and who would race. "On your mark…get set…go!"

"Turn left, Piett, left." Kurt said, Piett adjusting the Bothan's weight. "There you go."

"Right!" Mara shouted, just in time for Vader to smash into a tree branch. "no, the other right!" Vader ran into the same tree branch. "No…Texas right, which is ass backwards!"

Veers, meanwhile, was going rather slowly, thanks to Aurra. "Careful…careful…oh my god, there is against snake right in front of us…oh god back up! Back up! Don't let it bite me…oh god…"

Veers, in a panic, ripped off his blindfold…only to find that 1)The snake was 20 meters away, 2) it was 6 inches long, 3) Really a piece of string.

&&&

"Left…" Xizor said, Guri turning right. "What are you…"

"I have built in GPS." Guri said calmly, easily carrying Xizor. "I have calculated the fastest route." She paused, voice changing. "Travel 12.6 meters then take exit path to path I-17, on right, then stay left."

&&&

Kurt paused from giving Piett directions. "Oh, hi guys!" Kurt said happily, waving to a confused Yoda who was riding on Luke Skywalker's back. "Only way to travel, right?"

"Master Yoda…"

"Not want to know, I do." Yoda said simply.

&&&

"Now, keep walking straight." Mara called out, Vader slowly walking towards the large swamp monster that was waiting, jaws opened.

The Emperor sighed.

&&&

"There is nothing better then having a day off…watching other people have fun."

"Asajj, you're missing things!" The Emperor called out. "Less talkie more note takie."

&&&

Later on, the Emperor stood infront of the group, the crew seated at a large picnic able. "Ok…who's hungry?"

The crew mumbled.

"Uh…who's hungry?" 

Aurra shrugged. "You took us to McDonalds before we came here, remember? We ate, like…an hour ago."

"…that's right, you're hungry!" The Emperor said quickly. "Our next contest is a mushroom eating contest!"

"Where did you find these?" Bob asked, poking the spotted mushroom.

"In the forest." The Emperor said.

"These could be poisonous!" Sly exclaimed.

The Emperor scoffed. "at worst they will give you nightmarish hallucinations."

Creed grinned and began eating.

"Come on…take that nub in your mouth and work it with your tongue."

"That's what she said." Everyone said.

"NO!" The Emperor roared. "This is no time for games…come on…"

"Why are we doing this?" Veers asked.

The Emperor sighed. "The winning team leader gets a prize." 

"But the rest of us don't?" Kurt questioned.

"That sucks." Aurra said, pouting.

"This is very important…" 

"What do we get?" Piett asked. "Moustache rides? A rusty trombone? A dirty Jar Jar?"

"The winner gets my job!" The Emperor shouted. The crew stared at him in shock, before Xizor began to cram the mushrooms into his mouth, Vader pulling out a blender and a feeding tube and stuffing mushrooms into the device.

&&&

"I'd let a rancor blow me if it meant I got to be the Emperor." Xizor said sternly. "Game on."

&&&

"Four…three…two…one…DONE!" The Emperor called out. "And the winner is Vader, with 32 mushrooms…Vader?"

Vader swayed slightly. "But I don't want to play find the salami, Watto!"

"oooookay…where the hell in Creed?"

&&&

Creed held out his bowl. "more soup, Mr. Brown."

Luke leaned over towards Yoda. "Uh…Master Yoda…what should we do?"

"Sleep in my room, you must…locks I have on doors. Discuss joining NAJPLA, we will."

Luke frowned as Yoda gave him a toothy grin. "What?"

"The North American Jedi/Padawan Love Association." Creed said, accepting more soup.

&&&

"I'm a founding member." Creed admitted.

&&&

"Simba…" Vader said, wrapping an arm around Kurt.

"Uh…what?"

"You must return and defeat Scar, my son."

"Huh?"

"The circle……the circle of life!"

&&&

"Very simple…" The Emperor said. "You must fight, wearing these silly costumes, trying to push your opponent out of the ring." 

The camera panned back to reveal Piett, Xizor and Veers in Darth Vader Armor.

"Why doesn't Vader have to wear this?" Veers complained.

"Dude…my hands are huuuuuge!" Vader said, before giggling, falling out of the ring.

"Nevermind."

"Ready…go!"

Xizor glared at Veers and Piett, roaring in anger and running at them. Piett and Veers looked at each other, then leapt out of the circle.

&&&

"I've never seen any creature look like that." Piett said, voice trembling.

"Piett…would you think less of me if…if I asked you to hold me?" Veers asked, crying.

Piett hugged Veers close. "its ok…its ok…calm yourself tiny dancer."

&&&

"I'm just saying, we are the ow…in now." Vader said as Mara lead him over to the river.

"That's right…now, listen, Padme wanted me to tell you to go swimming in the river, okay?"

"This…is CNN." Vader answered.

"…I'll take that as a yes." She gave him a shove, watching Vader drift downstream. "Bye!" She glanced over at Piett and Veers, who were holding each other and crying. "God…where is a real man…" She froze, noticing Luke and Yoda training. "LUKE!" She screamed like a rabid fangirl, tripping over a root and knocking herself out.

"You hear something?" Luke asked.

"Hear nothing I did…mmm…focus on the rocks…" Yoda looked down at Luke butt. "Mmm…tense more."

&&&

"I knew finding a successor would be difficult…but Xizor has gone insane, Piett and Veers have turned into little girls…and where the hell is Vader?"

&&&

Vader rubbed his helmet, the river having deposited him in an underground cave. He groaned, only to notice a figure approaching…his son."

"Luke?" he called out, though it came out more like, "Noblah?". Luke stepped forward, extending his lightsaber. "Oh…you want to play with your daddy? Come to daddy!" Vader ignited his saber happily, talking baby talk as he swung as Luke, until…"My head, you chopped off my head!" Vader crawled over to the piece of wood Luke had really cut in half. "AAAAA!"

Luke slowly stepped away. "Wow, my mind can come up with some really strange visions." 

&&&

"Who has the most points?" The Emperor asked.

"Points?" Asajj questioned. "You told me to take notes…not keep score." 

"Damn it…I'll be back."

&&&

"What does a great Emperor need most of all? Courage."

Xizor sighed. "Here we go."

"That is why…I will challenge you all…by making you walk….on FIRE!" As he shouted that, Asajj threw a balloon full of gas on some logs, causing them to explode in flames. "Who among you has the guts to replace me?" 

"I do, but I'm not scarring myself to do it." Xizor said. "Not that scars don't look nice on you."

The Emperor frowned. "Piett?"

"Pass."

"Veers?"

Veers blew his nose. "My mother never sang me to sleep!"

Piett patted his back. "He's getting in touch with his feelings."

"Kurt…I can imagine you flaming."

Kurt just stared at the camera.

"I'm gonna do it." Asajj said calmly. "Because I've always wanted to, and I get off on pain."

"no." The Emperor said. "This is for Emperor…not Empress. Come on…someone…"

"My head…my son cut off my head!" Vader cried out, crashing through the bush. He stared at the fire for a moment. "MUSTAFAR!" Vader began to scream in a panic, shaking violently.

"He's having a Vietnam flashback."

"OBI WAN! OBI WAN!"

&&&

"Wow…" The Emperor said quietly, Vader wrapped in a blanket and shivering. "Ok…it is time for the tie breaker…the one that will decide it all…because that this point I am thinking of just cloning myself and transferring my soul to the clone or taking over the body of an unborn, force sensitive child."

"That…makes no sense." Piett said.

"And it really sounds like bad writing…even worse then a fan fiction. Its like some pathetic writer decided to come up with an idea to bring you back so they could have drama in their novel, but all it came to was an abortion on a dirty plate." Kurt said.

"…which is why I need a successor. This will test your most important aspect…comedy. Xizor…tell your best joke."

"Ok…knock knock." 

The Emperor grinned. "Whose there?"

"Give me the damn job, I'm most qualified." Xizor said coldly, sitting down. Behind them all, Asajj removed her boots and looked as the coal walk.

"Uh…Veers?"

"I was the one that hit the art teacher's car!" Behind Veers, Asajj raced across, cheering as she finished.

The Emperor frowned. " Piett?"

Piett frowned. "I…I don't think you should consider me, Emperor."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm…"

"I did it!" Asajj cried out. "I did it! I did the coal walk!" She grinned, pumping her fist. "I feel so alive…wow…it…this is just…" She glanced at everyone. "I did it…you all think I'm a nobody…but I'm braver then all of you. Maybe I should be the Emperor." She took a deep breath. "Wow…uh…I just feel so alive…feel like I can just say what I want…Mara's breasts are fake. She brags that they are real, but they are fake, I've seen the scars. Yea, that's right, me and Mara did it…and it was just as nasty and hot as Bob is thinking it was." Bob grinned. "The Emperor wears panties…and I think he stole mine. Xizor was born a chick. The only person not hiding something Kurt…sweet, innocent Kurt." Kurt frowned, looking down at his official Rebel alliance beach towel. "I have a secret too…I'm in love with Piett. I have been for years…but I was too scared to admit it…but now I can…"

Piett cleared his throat. "Retiring."

"What?" Asajj asked, confused.

"I'm retiring…at the end of the month. I…I can't work here anymore. And I can't be around anything that reminds me of this place…and that includes you, Asajj." Piett lowered his head. "I'm sorry."

The crew all sat around, stunned, Asajj near tears.

"I am so horny but I have no balls." Vader finally said.

"Now isn't the time for jokes." Cody hissed.

"Joke?"


	13. Episode XIII: THe Baron Admin

"Wow…graphs and charts…and here I thought you were iliterete."

Boba Fett shook his head. "I'm not…" 

"Wait…is that another word for retarded?" The Emperor asked.

"no…" 

"Oh…and here I thought you were retarded."

&&&

"The Emperor is setting up a trap for Luke Skywalker…the problem is, we need to get bait. The Millennium Falcon is flying towards Bespin, so the Emperor and Boba are going to try and convince Han Solo's best friend to turn him in." Piett rolled his eyes. "I'm sure this will work out perfectly."

&&&

"So, when we get to the Radisson…" 

"I canceled." The Emperor said simply.

"What?"

"We are now meeting at Burger King." 

"…wh…why?" Boba asked

"They have a playground out front."

&&&

The Emperor smiled. "I love those gerbil tubes."

&&&

"Oh…here's a fax, Piett…"

Piett nodded, taking the paper from Asajj. "Thanks."

"What is it?"

"oh…my application papers to work at Wal-Mart." 

&&&

"I am retiring…because I can't stand being in the same place…with the same people…knowing nothing will ever change despite what some people claim. So I am going to retire, play shuffle board, and greet fat people at Wal-Mart." Piett shrugged. "They're evil too, so it should be easy to adjust."

&&&

"…I have to get him to stay." Asajj said simply.

&&&

"Which direction is Bespin?" Boba asked.

"I'll drive." 

"That's ok…" Boba said.

"I'll drive."

"Emperor…"

"I'LL DRIVE!" The Emperor screamed.

"…okay."

&&&

Asajj carefully went through the Emperor's desk, hoping to find Piett's letter of resignation and shredded it to pieces. However, in her searching, she happened upon a hidden compartment, and pulled out a thick, thick bundle of papers. Reading them over, she began to laugh, before rushing over to Piett.

"You will never believe what I found."

"The Holy Grail? Atlantis? A dress that doesn't make Rosie O'Donald's ass look fat?"

"All three of those things don't exist." Asajj said simply, throwing the papers down. "I present…an indie screenplay…written by the Emperor."

Piett's eyes widened. "no…way…" 

"Yes…" Asajj grinned. "And you know what we must do."

&&&

Boba scoffed in disgust as they entered the Burger King in Cloud City, the bright florescent lights, tiled floor and fake planets setting the bounty hunter on edge. The Emperor seemed happy enough.

"Hello…Lando?" The Emperor asked.

A dark skinned man, dressed in a blue shirt, a weird dark half cape and bell-bottoms he must have found in his parents' basement, walked towards them, smiling happily.

"Were you waiting long?"

Lando shook his head. "Not at all." He turned to the camera, holding up a bottle of liquor. "Just enjoying this fine Smitz Malt Liquor, goes down smooth, and every bottle you buy ensures that I don't sleep in cardboard box tonight."

"…ok." Boba said slowly. He snapped at an employee. "Can we get a table for three?"

The man frowned. "You're joking?"

"No." Boba said simply.

"We have to stand in line…wait to place our order." The Emperor said.

Boba frowned, looking at the very long line. "Why are there so many kids here?"

"Class field trip, coming back from Yavin 4." Lando said. "Where the rivers run clear and pure…just like the pure taste of Smitz Malt Liquor."

Boba sighed, getting in line.

&&&

Piett smiled as he addressed the crew. "Do we all have our copies of Emperor Palpatine's 'Clerks.'?" The crew murmured yes. "I will be reading the action descriptions. Guri, you will be playing Veronica, Kurt…"

"What are you doing?" Darth Vader asked, storming into the conference room. "Did…did you steal something from the Emperor's desk?"

"…maybe." Asajj said with a pout.

"I am reporting you all…"

"Vader…how would you like to play the lead role of Randal Graves?"

Vader paused. "The lead?"

&&&

"I always wanted to be an actor…everyone always said I would be amazing. I remember Master Windu saying, "You are such a queer, you should be on broadway"." Vader paused. "What does queer mean?"

&&&

"Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order?" The cashier asked.

"Yes…" Lando said, "I will have a double cheese burger and a large Smitz Malt Liquor."

"We don't have Smitz Malt Liquor." The cashier said.

"Well, you should, because it is refreshing, wonderful, and if you buy it, Bobby Breakthumbs won't beat me up for being late on my payments to him." 

Boba stepped forward. "Small side salad." 

The Emperor stepped forward. "I'd like a Whooper…" He grinned. "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce." He sang.

"Oh God." Boba muttered.

"Special orders don't upset us…" Lando joined in.

"All we ask is that you let us serve it your way!" Both sang in perfect harmony. "have it your way….have it your way…have it your way…"

&&&

"Dante Hicks is standing at the counter, giving a customer some cigarettes. In enters Randal Graves…"

Kurt cleared his throat. "You're late, Randal."

"I thought you weren't suppose to be in today." Darth responded.

"The boss called me in, Trevor got sick."

"Shit, if I had known you were in, I'd have come even later."

&&&

Boba just stared at Lando and the Emperor ate their burgers, the mayo and ketchup dribbling down their faces.

&&&

"Dante and Randal are walking through the aisles." Piett read.

"You know what I never understood?" Kurt said, "The Rebels…why did they blow up the Death Star?"

"Yea, think of all the innocent people they killed." Vader recited. "And the Emperor's office…I bet there were a lot of things he lost…like the first draft to a movie script…" 

Kurt raised an eyebrow, Asajj snickering. "I don't know…I guess they could just rebuild…" 

"You know how much that would cost?" Vader read. "And you think I have that kind of cash on hand?" 

"…I'm not suppose to even be here today!" Kurt whined.

"Dante, you are an idiot, and you smell, and I wish I had never known you, Vsder…" Vader paused. "Wait, who's Vsder?"

&&&

"Here's what I think happened." Asajj said to the cameraman, bouncing up and down with glee. "In the Emperor's movie, Dante, the whiny idiot that is constantly being stepped on and bullied and is ruining his relationship with this girl because he is pinning after his slut of an ex, was originally named 'Vader', but the Emperor changed it to Dante with a search-and-replace command, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving one Vsder. And Vader…just figured it out. Heehee."

&&&

Vader stood up. "Ok…movie's done." 

Asajj frowned. "Some of us want to finish reading it…"

Vader shook his head. "Ok, listen up…you want a real show…5 minutes, docking bay, Force-lifted flying ride."

Asajj leaned towards Piett. "Want to watch from the command center?"

"Sure."

"I'll get the popcorn…"

&&&

"I know what it is like, to have to betray someone you admire, that you have a good relationship with." The Emperor said to Lando, the two of them finishing their Hershey Chocolate Ice Cream Pies. Boba merely watched them both, annoyed. "Its painful and it is heart breaking and it is the last place you want to be in."

Lando nodded. "Yeah, it is."

"But…sometimes, we have to betray those we care about for the good of the masses." The Emperor sighed. "I mean, I really liked Dooku, really distinguished and he knew tons of cool facts…he could get us into all of these great parties. But, if I wanted to destroy the Jedi and create my Empire…for the good of the galaxy, of course…I had to betray people I had come to know and like. Let me be straight with you…if we don't get your help, we will blow your city up. Millions dead…or we use Han and the Princess as bait."

Lando sighed. "Yea…its just…"

Boba began to say something, but the Emperor held out a hand. "We'll buy 1 million cases of Smitz Malt Liquor."

Lando looked up, dollar signs in his eyes. "Want me to stab Han as soon as he arrived, or just deliever the princess to your room for the raping?"

&&&

"Quite a show, huh?" Piett said, watching as Vader struggled to hold Bob up, the fat Emperor's Hand laughing with glee…at least, until he was dropped like a stone. Vader howled, legs kicking hard as he tried to free himself from Bob's blubber.

"Thank God for his ventilator, huh?" Asajj laughed.

"MMMAH!" Vader roared.

Piett and Asajj clinked coke cans.

&&&

"I can't believe you got him to go along with it!" Boba said excitedly, bouncing up and down.

"I use to pull that one all the time. Bought 1000 Concept Bumblebee Figures from Nute Gunray to convince him to work for me." 

"That's how you…" Boba said, strangely mad, before shaking his head and turning back to the Emperor, happy once more. "The way you tricked him…" Boba looked the Emperor down.

"What…what are you looking at?" The Emperor stammered, slowly backing away.

"It gets me so hot to watch someone con someone…" Boba said, voice full of lust.

The Emperor eyes darted back and forth. "Uh…that's nice?" 

Boba tilted his head to the side. "The robe…lose it."

"I'm…fine…thanks."

"That wasn't a question." Boba said, tackling the Emperor and grabbing his legs.

"NO!" The Emperor screamed in a panic, scratching at the tiles. "NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Boba began to drag him into a darkened room. "RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! RA…what the? Holy…Holy…look at….ooooh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! Oooooh, sw-"

&&&

The camera slowly looked around the darkened office before the operator flicked on a light. There, laying on the couch, was Vader, a stuffed pink gungan squeezed to his chest.

"mmm…Jar Jar, everyone hates you but meesa" Vader mumbled. Slowly awakening, he pulled himself up and stumbled over to the window outlooking the docking bay, surprised to find Boba returning to the Executor in a cab.

&&&

The Emperor sat in his office, slowly eating a Popsicle, his eyes wide and troubled, bottom lip trembling. 

"I don't want to talk about it." He said brokenly. He took another lick of his treat. "S…he did things to my fanny!" He dropped his head to his desk and sobbed.

&&&

"That was some night, huh?" Asajj said, handing Piett his mail.

"That it was." Piett said, opening one letter. "hey, Wal-Mart accept my application!"

"…you're…you're still retiring?" Asajj asked, surprised.

"Uh, yea." He said, raising an eyebrow. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Asajj ground her the toe of her shoe into the floor. "Well, last night we had so much fun…" 

"One night of fun doesn't change anything, Asajj." Piett said simply, callously. "One night where I am not annoyed by Vader and you don't end up with another man doesn't mean it won't next time. I'm not setting myself up for something like that…got my hopes up too many times." 

"Piett…it'll be different…"

"Yea, because there isn't another super strong and dumb as a post bounty hunter just waiting to sweep you away from me…better to just leave before you decide to look his way."

"But…"

"You know…I really need to get to get these reports done…" Piett said coldly, turning away from a heart-broken Asajj.

The secretary slowly walked into the Emperor's office. "You're mail…" She managed to get out before breaking down in sobs.

The Emperor slowly stood up, walking towards her and wrapping his arms around her, hugging her close and rubbing her back. "Who did things to your fanny?"


	14. Episode XIV: Imperial Olympics

"All of Piett's talk of retiring has got me thinking about my own retirement

"All of Piett's talk of retiring has got me thinking about my own retirement." The Emperor said. "And I realized that I don't want to be like some people that retire but still live at the place they work at. My niece, Mary, who, by the way, is a real sweet girl, married, has 2 boys…anyway, she has this boss that lives in an apartment attached to their office…and that is just sad. I mean, yes, the employees get to see him all the time, which is amazing, having your boss around, but then again…they never get a chance to miss him. Distance makes the heart grow fonder."

"That's true." Vader said. "Padme always jumped my bones when I returned from war."

"She was jumping other people's bones while you were away at war. But can we not talk about this, Vader. We are on the subject of me…and how I am going to finally get a retirement condo."

Piett was working on a document at his desk when his hand began to twitch. Asajj snickered as his hand "walked" towards his blaster, only for Piett to slap it down, scolding it.

"Occasionally, Piett will get so bored his hand will decide to try and kill him." Asajj smiled happily, though her eyes showed sadness. "Piett's hand…tries to kill him more and more each day."

"Piett…Piett." Asajj whispered.

Piett walked over. "Yea?"

"Would your hand stop trying to kill you if I found something for it to do." 

"I'm not masturbating in the office."

"What?"

"What?"

Asajj shrugged. "I'm going to help you, Firmus Piett…by finding some fun games for you to play."

"Can I come with you?" Vader pleaded.

"No…they know me down in Cloud City, Lando and I are friends…you'll just scare them."

"Please…my master…please." Vader sniffed.

"Fine…douche."

"The Emperor and I are a team. He is Superman and I am…uh…Superman's assistant. Or, I'm Bumblebee and he is….Superman. And if you hurt Superman, Bumblebee will step on you."

"Hey Cody, how is it going?"

Cody shrugged. "Not bad, my mom's funeral was yesterday."

"The one the Emperor told you to kill?"

"Yea, they finally found her body…so…I'm hiding here for a while."

Asajj nodded. "ok…ok…uh…what is that for?" She pointed to a blaster sitting next to Cody.

Bob grinned as Cody pulled the weapon out. "Its for Gerbil Throw." 

"Gerbil Throw?"

Cody smiled sheepishly. "It's a game we play. We stuff a gerbil in the blaster and see how big of a splat we get against the wall."

Asajj looked over the wall, covered in blood and fur. "That would explain what that stain is." Bob offered her a live gerbil. "No thanks, I carry my own." She pulled a gerbil from her pocket and loaded it into the gun…

"Beautiful, right?" The Emperor said. "living in the clouds, amazing lighting…" He smiled happily. "Home sweet home."

"It looks like a giant nipple." Vader said, looking at the structure that held the Emperor's condo.

"Shut up, it does not."

"You're right…more like a clit…"

"You're a clit." The Emperor grumbled.

Tarkin waited until Aurra was turned away before bouncing the ball off her head. She looked around, confused, then went back to work.

"So that's what that sound was." Asajj whispered. "How long before she figures out you're hitting her with a rubber ball." 

Tarkin frowned. "You know…she hasn't."

"Today?"

"Ever."

"Oh."

"Hello there Emperor, Darth Vader." Lando said. "This is Lobot, he is in charge of he Condo Association." 

The cyborg just stared at them.

"My cyborg stuff is cooler then his." Vader whispered.

"Yes, I know a lot about property. When my stepbrother Owen died of natural causes, aka a stormtrooper burnt him alive, I got his moisture far, which I manage with my friend Jar Jar." Vader said proudly.

"This, my friends, is the master bedroom!" The Emperor called out happily. "Check out the ceiling…I could put up a basketball hoop…" 

"Why?" Vader asked.

"Well, with the bed, I'll be able to finally dunk a ball."

Vader paused. "Wait…listen…" he put his head close to the wall. "Your neighbors are fighting…he forgot her birthday…ooo, he said "why bother, just another year, another 10 pounds you gain." That wasn't nice at all."

"Stop listening to them!"

"I can't help it, it's so loud…man, what if they had makeup sex while you were trying to sleep?" 

The Emperor frowned. "I'd knock on the wall and tell them to quiet down."

"What if they invite you to join in? What if they are a group of nymphos that like to turn people that live in these condos into sex slaves…maybe I should move in, I have experience with nymphos."

"Dum…dum…dum dum dum dum dum…" Asajj sang, lighting a candle. "Welcome…to the official Imperial Olympics!" The crew cheered. "Let this be a reminded to us all, that if you lose…Obi Wan Kenobi will leave you to burn on Mustafar."

Piett grinned. "Very true. Ok, we will be competing, according to Asajj, gold, silver and bronze gerbil skulls, donated by Bob and Cody, with paint from Creed…Creed, why do you have paint at work?" 

Creed poked his head up, nose covered in silver spray paint. "No reason."

"…ok." Asajj said. "let the games begin!"

"If you'd just sign here, we'll be able to finish this and go out for some Smitz Malt Liquor…the only liquor that makes you feel super-freaky drunk."

The Emperor frowned. "What is this, here?"

Lando frowned. "The down payment."

"Down…pay…what?"

"So apparently you have to pay with money to get condos now." The Emperor said, flabbergasted. "Who knew?"

"No no no…I thought you were giving me this condo in exchange for…you know…my presence. That should increase the value of the neighborhood!" 

"Actually, it lowered all the houses down by the cost of 1000 cases of Smitz Malt Liquor. Yes, its expensive, but it is worth the buzz. MMM."

Vader shook his head, holding up his hand. "You will give the Emperor the condo for free."

"Uh…no." Lando said.

"You will…"

"Sith don't use Jedi Mind Trick, you idiot." The Emperor hissed.

"Wait…wait…done!" Guri exclaimed.

Cody cursed, throwing the Concept Camaro Bumblebee Transformer to the ground, Bob finishing transforming his a few minutes later.

"And Guri gets gold, Bob silver, and Cody…shameful bronze." Asajj said happily. "Piett, what is the next game we will play?"

"The next game, Asajj, is the ancient Nubian sport of Speed Stripping."

The men in the office hooted…until Creed stepped up as the first contestant.

"I use to strip all the time. Not for money, mainly because I got my clothes buy fighting hobos, and they were filled with fleas. You could wear them for about a day, then you had to strip them off fast and pour beer on your chest." Creed shrugged. "Still, tips were good."

"The walls are closing in…did you bolt these walls down?" The Emperor asked, eyes wide. "Oh by my dead Master, if only you could tell me what to do…but you can't, because I ripped your tongue out…" 

Vader took out a notepad. "Sith…Masters…can be killed…by ripping out tongues."

Lando shook his head. "Emperor, I'm afraid that is just the way things works. You have to pay the condo rent."

The Emperor shook his head in horror. "Oh God…I'll never be able to get a loan in today's recession!"

Vader turned to his master. "I thought we were denying the recession…I thought we were claiming that this was a slow down…we have Glen Beck…" 

"Glen Beck is a sock puppet I wear on my hand, you moron!" The Emperor wailed, digging out a sock and slipping it on. "Oh, I love the Emperor, he won the election fair, Rebels are pussies!" The Emperor turned to Lando. "Please…there must be something we can work out…" 

"AAAAAA!"

Asajj pouted. "And Mara beat my distance by 5 yards. Shoot, she wins the gold metal in "Throwing a man by his penis across the docking bay"."

Piett looked pale.

"I need to leave this place, fast." Piett said nervously.

Asajj grinned. "It's going great. Piett will stay for sure"

The Emperor and Vader sat in the condo, the Emperor eating Rally's burgers. "I made the right choice…this place is the perfect fit for me."

"I noticed there is an extra bedroom. Does that mean I can spend the night sometime?"

The Emperor frowned. "Uh…no…I can't let anyone just stay here."

"Thanks for letting us crash here, Mr. Emperor." Two scruffy looking men said, obviously Jedi but the Emperor didn't notice.

"And who are they?" Vader asked.

"Oh, that's Dave and Matt. Met them at Rally's when I got the burgers." Vader huffed in annoyance.

"And Kurt wins the gold for most information known about the crew…and he also wins silver and bronze." 

Kurt shrugged. "I'm just that good." He whistled innocently as the other congratulated him, though Asajj pulled Piett aside

"What is it?" Piett asked.

"Closing Ceremonies." Asajj said with a grin. "Can you get the Imperial March downloaded?" 

Piett grinned. 

Later that day, the Emperor and Vader arrived in the office to cheers. "What…what the…"

"Emperor, for completing the sale of your condo, a gold metal." Asajj said, placing the medal around his neck. "Darth Vader, for helping the Emperor…silver." Vader preened. "And Piett…for just being you…bronze." Piett smiled slightly as the Imperial March played. His smile faltered as Asajj happily pulled a string, forcing some doves she had tied to a cloths line to drift past them.

The Emperor sniffed. "This is so wonderful."

"How…how much did your condo cost?" Piett asked.

"Oh…"

"This is Glen Beck…" Lando said, making the sock puppet talk, "telling you to buy Smitz Malt Liquor. If you don't, the terrorists win!"


	15. Episode XV: Vader's Speech

The Emperor tossed the silver ball up in the air, catching it with ease. "Ok, so lets say we do A. That means we can't do B." 

Vader nodded, catching the silver ball. "Then we do B." 

"Ah, but then we can't do A." 

Vader agreed. "And that would be bad."

"But not as bad as not doing B." The Emperor said, catching the toss from Vader.

"But almost." Vader added, going for the catch, only for Piett to grab the ball.

"Could we not?"

The Emperor frowned. "We have to, Piett. I hate being stuck in that office…I need time to think."

"I just don't think it is safe." Piett said, tossing the ball back to Vader.

"And why not?" Vader asked.

"Because you are playing catch with a thermal detonator." Piett answered.

The Emperor scoffed. "Don't be a coward. He turned to an Imperial walking down the hallway. "Catch, Marco!"

The man caught the ball, blinking…

BOOM! 

Asajj shielded herself with a clipboard as bits of red goo rained down on them. The Emperor blinked, surprised, before he pulled out another detonator. "Kurt!" He shouting, throwing it at the bothan.

* * *

Later that day, Vader sat at his desk, looking over the Amazon website. "Now, what toy should I buy him…ooo, what about a Ben 10 figure." He paused, scanning another page. "Or the Booster Gold Graphic Novel…that would be a good thing to bond over." He glanced over at Piett, giving him a mocking smile. "Oh Piett, you don't realize how lucky you are not having to do this. So lucky that no woman wants to touch you or bare your child."

* * *

"It turns out that Luke Skywalker, the guy that blew up the Death Star and helped the princess escape is Vader's son. So now, Vader is preparing for how he can tell Luke the news…by treating him like he is 12." Piett said with a smirk.

* * *

"So, you ready for the big day?" The Emperor asked.

Vader shrugged. "Not that big. I tell Luke I'm his father, he gets misty eyed, we hug, I take him to McDonalds."

The Emperor groaned. "It might not be like that." 

"Oh…we might kiss instead?" 

"What?"

"Huh?"

The Emperor shook his head. "Listen…what if the kid responds badly? What then?"

"I…spank…him?"

The Emperor groaned.

* * *

"Vader will do a terrible job." The Emperor said. "Trust me…he doesn't have it in him to do a good job. I've had to do it twice now, I know how to do admit to someone you banged their mom." He held up a plaque. "I got this from my boy Little Jon…" he smiled as he read it. "Yeah…ok…what?…ok…yeah." He smiled. "Brings a tear to my eye."

* * *

"What if I describe how I conceived him?"

The Emperor shook his head. "God no." 

Vader shook his hands. "But it is a good story. Padme came home really drunk, and kept calling me Commander Worf…"

"No child wants to hear about you having sex with their mom…no one wants to hear you tell of having sex…period." The Emperor sighed. "There is no way I can teach you everything I know about admitting to having fathered a child…but I can teach you enough so that maybe,just maybe…the child won't kill you."

Vader fell to his knees. "Thank you my master…thank you…"

"EWW! Get off of my you idiot. Don't act like a brain dead Hutt!"

"…is that an insult…or advice?"

The Emperor thought that over. "Both."

* * *

"Can you imagine what it must be like to learn that Vader is your dad?" Piett asked.

Asajj thought it over. "Is there a Sarlac nearby that I could throw myself in?"

Piett shrugged, opening up a travel book he was carrying. "Let me check."

"What is that for?"

"Oh…deciding what planet I want to live on…man, I am so far behind, my last day is Friday!"

Asajj paled in horror.

* * *

Xizor frowned. "I do not see what the big deal is. So Vader contributing genetic material to produce an offspring…I have done so many times. I simply fire off acloud of spores which locate an egg clutch."

Guri poked her head in. "I can make a baby." Her eyes flicked, then she opened her chest and pulled out a robotic baby. "It can play MP3s." She plugged the baby into her Ipod, the robot-tot opening its mouth as Miley Syrus' "See You Again" began to play.

Xizor scoffed. "Humans…and robots…so stupid, so hormonal..." He watched Guri bob up and down to the music, breasts bouncing. "Excuss me."

* * *

"ok everyone, we are going to help Vader prepare for his speech." The Emperor said. "Now…why don't we get him a bit calm by each of us standing up and admitting something we are addicted to."

"Uh…what?" Sly asked.

"You know, like drugs or booze." The Emperor said, pulling out a notepad. "I'll just take notes."

Guri held up the robo-baby. "My daughter is addicted to internet porn. She keeps downloading it." The baby coughed. "And now she downloaded a virus." She reached down into her pants, yanked the Norton Anti-Virus software from her floppy drive, and inserted it into the baby. The robot0tot began to move slowly. "These virus scans always slow her down."

"Ok…internet porn." The Emperor pointed at Kurt. "What about you…want to admit to any gay experiences in college…tell us in great detail all about them?"

"Huh?" Kurt said.

"Come on…never got probed by a gray?"

Kurt licked his lips, then paused when Piett nodded to him, flashing several fingers. "Actually…me and Piett have something to admit." Both stood up, the Emperor and the rest of the crew leaning towards them… "I…get no kick…from champagne."

"ooo, ooo, oooo!" Piett harmonized.

"Mere alcohol, doesn't thrill me at all." Kurt sang.

"ooo, ooo, oooo!"

"So why would it be true…that I get out belt…out of you?"

"ooo, ooo, oooo!"

"Some…get a kick…from cocaaaa-aaa-aaa-ine…"

"WHAT IN THE WIDE WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS IS GOING ON!?" Vader roared.

* * *

Cody opened the door to the mens room. "Anyone in…" He coughed as a green cloud swirled out.

"Don't look at me!" Xizor screamed in disgrace, covering his crotch.

* * *

"Ok Vader…show us what you learned." The Emperor said.

Vader stood up, clearing his throat, then placed a CD in Guri's robo-baby. "I ain't got no money." Vader began to move to the music. I ain't got no car to take you home with me. I can't even buy you flowers…but together we be the perfect soul mate…talk to me girl…" 

"No no no!" The Emperor shouted. "Wrong, all wrong!" he sighed. "You should have used Fergie's Glamorous!"

* * *

"I have made love to many, many women." Creed said. "Its possible a baby popped out during it." He smiled. "My sex orgies last months."

* * *

"Hey Vader, if you could move to any planet, where would you move?" Piett asked.

"I can move anywhere, and I will retire to Bespin, to be with the Emperor, and protect him from danger." Vader grumbled. "Now leave me alone."

Piett nodded. "You know, I got a communications degree in college…"

Vader perked up. "Oh?" 

"Now…I'm not saying you have to use it…but I wrote up some notes you may want to use when talking to Luke…"

Vader snatched the papers. "I might skim them…"

* * *

"No, I didn't get a com degree." Piett said. "I did download the script to Beowulf…"

* * *

Later that day, the Emperor and Vader had arrived at Cloud City, looking around the freezing chamber where Vader would duel Luke. "Bigger then where I normally tell mychildren I'm their daddy, but it will work." The Emperor said. "You nervous." 

"No my master…I am ready." 

"Go…just remember, it's just you and him…no one else." The Emperor clapped Vader on the shoulder before hobbling out the chamber…

…and into the observation room next door, which featured a massive one way mirror.

"Smitz Malt Liquor, anyone?" Lando asked, holding out the bottle.

"Thanks." Leia said, downing the booze like a pro, before belching. "Hello Emperor." 

"Hi Princess Leia." The Emperor said happily. "Ready to see Vader make a fool of himself?"

"Oh yea…thanks for letting us watch." Leia said.

"Yes ol' chap, most kind." Chewbacca said. With Han frozen, Chewie could finally calm his nerves and speak normally.

"Chewbacca, I can't see!" C-3P0 whined, tied to Chewbacca's back.

Leia looked over at the Emperor. "So, what does Luke have to do with all this?"

"Nothing, nothing…can't reveal any secrets." He opened his robes and pulled out a bucket of KFC. "Chicken?"

"Brought my own." Leia said, pulling some chicken out and pouring hot sauce on it.

"Mmm, chicken, Smitz Malt Liqour and watching Vader get his ass whooped." Lando said happily. "Consider your mortgage cut in half, Emperor."

Behind them, the entire population of Cloud City murmured in agreement.

* * *

Luke slowly walked into the freezing chamber, grumbling. "I can't help you, he said. You go now, you are on your own." He scoffed. "Look at me, I'm Obi-Wan. Me and the great Yoda can't defeat Vader, so we'll make the farm boy do it!" He make a jerking-off motion with his hands.

"Are you the one they call Skywalker?" Vader asked, his voice coming out oddly seductive…and a little like Angelina Jolie.

Luke whipped around, glaring at Vader. "Yes."

"I know who you are." Vader said, now sounding more like a man and less like Laura Croft. "They say you killed both your brothers when you witnessed them having knowledge of your mothers."

Luke frowned. "Uh…I don't have brothers, I never met my mother, and ew."

Vader considered this. "Nevermind. Tell me…where are you from?"

Luke waved his lightsaber. "Aren't we suppose to fight?"

"I like to get to know my opponent's first." Vader held out his hand, a pink tea set floating towards him. He sat down in a chair, offering Luke a pink cup. "Its mint flavored."

* * *

"Don't sit in that chair, Luke!" Leia screamed, half laughing.

"He can't hear you." Chewbacca commented.

Leia shook her head. "Uh uh, boy, don't you dare…oh, you stupid boy, ya sat in the chair!"

* * *

"So…tell me where you are from." Vader said, pouring the tea.

"Uuuuuhhhhh…I leave near Mos Esly."

Vader nodded. "They say you have a monster there." He looked at thenotes Piett had given him. "They say your lands are cursed."

"I will admit Jabba is creepy…"

"I am Vader!" Vader said, reading from Piett's script. "And I will slay your monster!"

* * *

"He's very good." A couple people murmured in the audience.

"Wish he was my dad." Another commented.

* * *

"What do you know of your family?" Vader asked.

Luke frowned. "I know you killed my father…"

"The sea's my mother. She'll never take me back to her murky womb!"

Luke just blinked. "Uh…ok…that's nice."

Vader began to walk about, bragging about monsters he had apparently killed, Luke growing more confused.

* * *

The Emperor nodded. "He's doing ok."

"Ok? He's better then the new Smitz Malt Liquor with lemon!" Lando exclaimed.

"Simply beautiful…" Chewie said, wiping away a tear.

"I'm making an illegal video of it." Leia said happily, holding up her camera. Those in back quickly began to hand her cash, wanting to get a copy of the touching scene.

* * *

Luke held up his hands. "Ok…that's enough." He pointed a finger at Vader. "I come here, ready for a fight, and instead I get tales of sea monsters and tea parties. Who the hell are you, and what did you do with Vader?"

"Who am I…Who am I?" Vader whispered, leafing through his crib notes of Piett's script. "Ah…here it is." He cleared his voice. "I am ripper, tearer, slasher, gouger. I am the teeth in the darkness, the talons in the night. Mine is strength and lust and power! I AM YOUR FATHER!"

Luke stared at him in horror. "NOOOOOOO!!"

* * *

"No?" One of the members of the crowd shouted. "That man just poured his heart out and he denies it?"

"How dare he!" Another screamed.

The Emperor nodded towards the exit. "Things are going to get bad…lets get out of here." Lando, Leia, Chewie, 3P0 and The Emperor quickly made their escape.

"I say we give him something to 'no!' about!" Another citizen shouted. "Pitchforks boys!"

The crowd quickly lit torches and grabbed their pitchforks, bursting into the chamber. "Die monster!" They screamed, Luke diving off the platform as the crowd chased after him, leaving a confused Vader in their wake.

* * *

Author's Note: Get ready, because next week is the final chapter in The Empire Strike's Back section of The Death Star! Will Piett really leave? Will Asajj survive? Will Vader take over? Can you spare me a dime? Find out next time!


	16. Episode XVI: The Move

"This is it

"This is it." The Emperor said, watching as the movers began to pack up his things. "The last day on the Executor. Tomorrow, we move back to the Death Star. Now, I know what you are thinking, "How can you move into a half finished Death Star?" Answer? "Shut up, don't bother me, force lightning, you twitch, dead."" The Emperor smiled. "You shouldn't have asked." He paused. "I haven't told the crew yet…it's a surprise…so if you could…thanks…don't…and I'll, well, kill you. Seriously." 

&

Bob, Sly and Asajj were talking to themselves when they noticed Piett enter, his hair trimmed, wearing a Wal-Mart outfit.

"What happened to you…you like my Uncle Barry." Bob said.

"Thank you?" Piett said, unsure.

"No thank you…he's in jail because he had sex with a picnic table."

Piett gave him a look.

&

"Today is my last day." Piett said. "I'm all packed…I'm driving straight to training after work, only will take an hour, then I will move into my apartment." He smiled weakly. "I'm excited…really."

&

Asajj just stared at the camera, blankly, before screaming in huttese and cutting a chair in half.

&

"I…think you look great." Asajj managed to say.

"Thanks." Piett said, turning from her and striking up a conversation with Creed, not noticing Asajj's pained look.

&

"Big day…very big day." The Emperor said to Vader.

"Piett's leaving." Vader said with glee.

The Emperor, ignoring him, continued to ramble on, forgetting he hadn't told anyone about the move. "This office…so many memories…I'm going to miss it."

"Miss it?" Vader asked, confused.

"But, things must change…Piett showed me that." The Emperor paused, snapping his fingers. "You know…I should really do something special for him, since we leaving…"

Vader watched as the Emperor buzzed about his temporary office. "You and Piett…are both leaving?"

"Of course…both going on to better places…with better windows and nicer chairs." The Emperor clapped his hands. "What a great day!"

"Yes…what a great day."

&

" By the Force, By the Force, By the Force, By the Force, By the Force, By the Force!" Vader chanted in giddy glee. "The Emperor is leaving…I'm the Emperor…I'm the Emperor! HAHA!"

He did a spin in his chair, fell back, and swallowed.

"I threw up in my helmet."

&

"Do you honestly think he is leaving?" Bob asked.

"Yes." Mara whispered.

"…really?"

"I said yes, didn't I?" Mara complained.

Bob thought that over. "…really?"

&

"Piett is leaving." Cody said. "On one hand, I suddenly am the cutest guy in the office. On the other hand, so are about a billion other clones…so it's a win-tie situation." 

&

"Look at you guys…all huddled around this desk." The Emperor said, taking one last tour of the old temporary office. The Hands looked at him. "Sharing one desk because you are a team."

"We're sharing a desk because you destroyed all the spare ones playing laser tag with Vader and Guri." Mara complained.

"…so many memories…" The Emperor choked out.

&

Kurt picked up the floppy disk, grinning to himself. His phone rang, the one that was for Alliance calls, and he quickly answered it. "Yes?" He paused, listening. "Yea…I could do that…listen…I have bigger things in mind, so…" he began to rub the phone against his shirt. "You're breaking up…I'm losing you…" He shut off the phone. "Hey Creed, want to break my phone with a hammer?"

"Sure." Creed said, pulling out a small hammer and happily destroying the device.

&

"I'm tired of working for idiots." Kurt said simply.

&

The Emperor stood before the crew. "Everything is about to change…people are leaving…heading to new places…" He looked at Piett. "I want to take you out for lunch."

"Uh…"

"Come on…before I leave…one last time, you and me?" 

Piett frowned. "We've…never had lunch before."

"…then one first time, you and me?"

Piett sighed. "Ok." Asajj bit her lip, realizing this might be the last time she saw her best friend. She hoped she could sneak in a goodbye."

"Wave goodbye, Piett…no time to sneak in a goodbye. Say so long to everyone right now, thus leaving your relationships unsettled."

"Uh…bye?" 

"Bye!" Everyone called out as the Emperor dragged Piett out, Asajj trembling as she blinked away tears.

Vader stood up, igniting his lightsaber. "The Emperor is gone…I am the new Emperor…whose ready to work?"

&

"So…where are we going?" Piett asked, watching as the Emperor took them into lightspeed.

"I want to show you the new office." The Emperor said simply.

"It's done?"

"Oh yea." The Emperor said happily. "Well…our office is …the rest is still incomplete. Just weapons, a force field and our office." He rubbed his hands together. "I'm just so excited, I couldn't wait to show someone, and since you are leaving, I figured you can't spill the beans."

"Ok."

The Emperor turned away from him. "Little do you expect this is really a diabolical trap…"

"It's a trap?" Piett questioned.

"…no."

"You just said it was."

"no I didn't."

"Yes you did…" 

&

Vader looked at Asajj, his feet kicked up as he sat at the Emperor's desk. "As the Emperor, I find myself in need of a new apprentice. And while you have proven to be an idiot, what with throwing yourself at Piett, you are the best person here…the most bloodthirsty and evil."

Asajj smiled humbly. "I do see people as toys for my amusement." She admitted.

"Indeed. As such, I would like to make you my apprentice…the Assistant Emperor."

Asajj nodded her head, surprised. "Assistant Emperor."

"Actually, lets make that Assistant to the Emperor." He nodded, glad with his decision. "I will keep the Assistant Emperor title."

"You will be your own assistant?"

"I'm the only one I trust…and even then, I don't trust me fully." His left hand began to 'walk' towards his lightsaber. "NO! Bad hand!" 

"Ok…Dr. Strangelove…I am honored to be your Assistant to the Emperor."

Vader nodded. "But don't tell anyone…I want everyone thinking I might pick them…will keep them in line as I decide who to kill."

&

"I learned from the best." Asajj said. "Piett taught me that if Vader ever asks you to be something, you agree." She smiled. "Good…good ol' Piett."

&

"And this is my new office." The Emperor said, showing Piett around the throne room he had made on the second Death Star. "Designed to let me watch ships being blown up. Oh, and I got a pinball machine."

Piett nodded. "real nice." 

"This door leads to the main office." The Emperor led Piett through the exact replica of their old office. "And this…is your office."

"My office?" Piett asked, confused.

The Emperor fell to his knees, sobbing. "DON'T QUIT…PLEASE!"

&

Vader stood in front of the group, arms crossed. "As my first act, I have decided to create a new motivating device." Vader pulled a slip of paper from his desk. "This is a Vader Buck. You receive one every time you do good. 10 Vader bucks may be traded in to spare your life when I want to force choke you. Please note that I have the right to reject the Vader Bucks." He snapped at Asajj. "Hand out the Vader Bucks…everyone listened, they get one…except Kurt." Kurt just continued to type away at his computer.

Xizor looked at the buck. "No thanks."

Vader frowned. "You have to take it."

"I only accept Xizor Nickels."

"What's the exchange rate of Xizor Nickels to Vader Bucks?" Guri asked.

"The same ratio of Tom Cruise to sane people." Xizor said.

"Enough!" Vader roared. Everyone looked at him. "You're…all mean!" He stormed off, pouting.

&

"You ok?" Piett asked, rubbing the Emperor's back awkwardly. "Done crying?" 

"Yea." The Emperor said meekly.

"Good."

The Emperor leaned on Piett's shoulder. "I'll…give you anything to stay. I'll make you the Assistant Emperor."

"I don't want to be your Assistant."

"What about a raise…or whores, I'll let you rape Sly!"

"Sly would let me rape her on her own." Piett admitted. "It has nothing to do with perks." Piett finally said. "I just…can't stay here knowing nothing will change."

"Everything changes though." The Emperor said glumly. "Buildings, missions, people…if you give them the chance, they can change."

"And if they don't?" Piett asked.

"At least you tried." The Emperor admitted, for once making sense. "I'd rather take the risk that change will happen then not and never let it." Piett nodded, digesting that. "So…will you let change happen and help me murder ewoks?"

Piett's mood returned from listening to annoyance. But one look at the Emperor trying and failing to give him puppy dog eyes had Piett sighing. "Let me think about it."

The Emperor nodded, standing up. "I can change for you…I can stop selling naked photos of you on the Internet." He grinned. "Or you can just sell naked pictures of me!" He took off his robe, standing in his hideous wrinkled glory.

Piett trembled in horror. "And that will replace the whale in my nightmares."

&

Vader looked at Kurt, who was still typing away, ignoring him. "Ok…enough games…I'm going to choke you…"

"Like you choked your wife?" Asajj asked.

"Yes…" Vader paused. "Oh…Padme…" He began to cry, Asajj grinning.

"God, I leave for a few hours and you turn into a pussy." The Emperor said, entering the office. The crew stared at him in shook. "What?"

Vader sniffed. "I thought…you were leaving…"

"Uh, yea, I did, then I came back…duh." The Emperor clapped his hands together. "Ok…back to work…Vader, why is a picture of Padme hanging on my wall?"

"It's…a gift?" Vader stammered.

"She's naked!"

"A really nice gift"

The Emperor thought that over. "Ok."

&

Asajj managed a smile. "So, Piett is gone…but that is ok. I got to help Vader make an ass of himself…Piett taught me well, and I plan to make him proud. We're going to be moving back to the Death Star soon, so that will be great…a fresh start." Asajj nodded her head, accepting defeat. "And yea, I admitted too late to Piett that I loved him…my stupid mistake. But I let him go…I'm sure he'll do great at Wal-Mart…" She licked her lips, rage flaring in her eyes. "No…no, I'm not accepting this. He took my heart and stomped on it. So I will do the same to his balls! I'll find him, cut out his vocal cords, and torture him until he begs me to love him! And then I'll laugh in his face and chop off his ears! He'll learn never to mess with Asajj…"

"Hey Asajj?"

The secretary turned, shocked to find Piett standing at the door of the conference room where she was doing her talking-head confessional.

"Listen…I gave my room away to some clone troopers, so I don't have somewhere to sleep tonight…and I'll really need my rest if I'm going to be starting my new job as Assistant Emperor. So, I was wondering if I could bunk in your room?"

"…s-sure." Asajj said at last.

"Great…it's a date." Piett said with a grin.

The camera slowly panned back to Asajj, tears in her eyes as she smiled happily. "I'm sorry, what was the question?"

&

"Done." Kurt said at last.

"What's done?" Aurra asked.

"Execute Order 111." Kurt said.

Suddenly, the entire office found themselves surrounded by stormtroopers, the clones pointing their weapons at each of them. Kurt calmly strolled over to Palpatine and sat down in his chair.

"I hacked into the clones' programming…say hello to the new Emperor." Kurt steepled his fingers together, grinning wickedly. "Now…whose ready to rule the Galaxy?"

&

End of Season 2

Tune in soon for Season 3: Return of the Jedi


	17. Episode XVII: Fun Run

The Emperor smiled as he drove his shuttle towards the Death Star Docking bay

The Emperor smiled as he drove his shuttle towards the Death Star Docking bay. "I will admit, it has been a rough couple of months. Yea, the Kurt-Hostile-Take Over thing was a shocker, really threw me for a loop. But hey, he's been great…let me keep the title of Emperor, he's now the Super Emperor." The Emperor paused. "Well, I call him that. His real title is Grand Commander of the Empire, but I prefer Super Emperor. I showed him everything I knew, and he used it perfectly.

"But now? Now we have the Death Star…things are a bit tight, but I have some ideas…I'm settled back down…I think this is going to be my year!"

The Emperor just got those words out before his shuttle slammed into Sly Moore, sending her flying across the docking bay.

"…please have been a cat…please have been a cat…"

&

The tech guy sat at Assaj's desk, typing away. "Generally, it is not a good idea to accept any requests from people you don't know that are sending you e-mails. What was the offer?"

Asajj frowned. "Ah…a…sex tape."

"Really?" Piett said with a grin.

Asajj blushed. "Yes…leave it at that."

"It was Jabba, wasn't it?" Asajj looked down, ashamed.

&

"I'm…single now." Piett said, smiling slightly.

&

"It's real nice that Piett and I are friends again." Asajj said, smiling. "I missed that."

&

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Bob shouted. "They are always smiling, they are giving each other goo-goo eyes. They are so dating." He leaned in close. "I caught them doing it in the kitchen."

The camera panned back to reveal Cody. "For the last time, he was doing the Heimlich maneuver!"

&

The Emperor entered the office, obviously upset. "I have bad news and terrible news. The bad news is, Sly was hit by a car."

"Oh my God." Assaj said.

"Is she ok?" Xizor asked.

"When did this happen?" Guri asked. "My sensors did not pick up on any accidents…"

"Listen…this is horrible." The Emperor said. "But…something worse happened. When Sly…was hit…she dented by shuttle."

The crew stared at him.

"Wait," Veers asked, "you hit here?"

The Emperor paused. "I never said that."

"You…just said she dented your shuttle." Piett said.

"I did not."

"Yes…you did…"

&

"So I hit her!" The Emperor scoffed. "Its my insurance that is going up!"

&

"One day, the Emperor got made because his shuttle got dented while he was driving to Toys R Us…" Piett looked down, thinking hard. "He ran over some children, didn't he?"

&

"Did you see the way they looked at me?" The Emperor complained.

"You want me to kill them?" Vader asked, placing a hand on the Emperor's shoulder.

"No…I want them alive…"

"Then I will rip their eyeballs out." Vader answered.

"NO!" The Emperor groaned. "Why me…I have to…have to do something…to make it up to them…"

"What about Sly?" Vader asked.

"Who cares…I have to make it up to her…" The Emperor looked down at the budget report on his desk. "And…I think I know how."

&

"You want to go with us to visit Sly, Mara?" Assaj asked.

"I…can't." Mara said uneasily. "I…uh…have plans."

&

"Nothing." Mara sad. "Nothing important…just plans…" She stood up, the camera zooming in to reveal that Mara was wearing, strangely, a brand new red thong.

&

"Hello good sir."

"Hello Palpatine." Kurt said through the speakerphone.

"Just wanted to let you know that everything is great on the Death Star, everything is fine, I hit Sly with my shuttle…"

"What?!"

"It's true…everything is fine."

&

Kurt, dressed in a black power suit, tried to look happy. "It's great…I'm the head of the Empire…I have a big paycheck, a new condo…a killer office…"

Everything on the wall shook as a Star Destroyer flew by.

"Uh…landing strip adjacent…"

&

"Ok, everyone…can I have your attention?" The Emperor called out, the crew looking at him. "I know we were all affected by the tragedy…but I have come up with a way to set it right. We are going to have a fun run…you will each get sponsors, run a race, and then we will use the proceeds to fix this terrible…terrible event." 

Bob raised his hand. "When is this?" 

"In 4 hours…and I expect 30 sponsors from each of you."

"I don't think…" Xizor began.

"No no no…you are wasting valuable sponsor-getting time."

"But we don't having running clothes." Assaj complained.

"Not my problem…race for the cure!" The Emperor called out. "Race for the cure!"

&

"Something needs to be done." The Emperor said. "A lady was injured…and I need to make it right. Some people would reach into their own pockets and fix this…I think it is the burden of other people to fix these things." He paused. "I want that on my tombstone…the entire thing. I plan to have a giant tombstone."

&

"No…not babies. We are trying to prevent people from getting rabies…they already have something to prevent babies, it's called an abortion…hello?" Xizor hung up the phone. "The Catholic Church isn't going to sponsor us."

Guri nodded. "I wish I had known about abortions."

"What did happen to that baby you made?" Xizor asked.

"She got in a fight with Creed's Mac and I put her on timeout." She opened the drawer to reveal the still robo-baby. "Or hibernation. I forget which. I can just wiggle her mouse and wake her back up."

&

"I am terrified about ball-crushing." Veers said, back to the camera, a roll of duct tape in hand. "You run, your balls pop out, they are crushed between your legs…I fear it so." He pulled out a long piece of tape. "Thus, I tape."

The camera paned to reveal Creed watching with interest.

&

"Yea, Endor…" Mara whispered. "This works out perfect…I'll see you there." She quickly hung up her cellphone.

&

"What's your strategy?" Piett asked.

"Run fast." Assaj answered.

"Ah, better then mine of running slow and praying Vader kills everyone then kills himself."

"Yea, it is…" The two of them glanced over to see Bob staring at them, taking notes. "Uh…"

&

"They are sooooo together!" Bob exclaimed.

&

Hours later, down on Endor, the crew was getting ready to begin the race, each dressed in blue t-shirts and white shorts.. The Emperor and Vader looked at Tarkin, scoffing in annoyance. "Look at him…thinks he is so perfect…" The Emperor's fingers twitched. "I just want to kill him so bad…but I will never let him know that." 

"Hi, Emperor." Tarkin said.

"Die you bastard!" The Emperor roared, his lightning missing Tarkin and killing an Ewok. "Oops." He turned to the crew. "Thanks for coming…remember why we are here today…to undo a grave injury to a wonderful girl. We must restore her…and only by running can we."

&

"Got it?" The Emperor asked.

Vader held out the bag. "Are you sure about this?" 

The Emperor nodded, downing the Fiber-Sure. "Of course…I know I always run faster when I need a bathroom…this will really light a fire under my butt." He grinned, licking his lips. "And it tastes yummy."

&

"On your mark…" Vader called out.

Guri leapt onto a man. "I have mine…his name is Mark West, he runs the garden center where I buy my motor oil." 

"Get set…go!"

The crew darted forward, running hard, the Emperor and Tarkin taking an early lead. No one noticed that Assaj and Piett fell back, away from the pack. The two of them didn't notice that a cameraman had hidden himself in some bushes.

"Oh, we're last." Piett said sadly.

Assaj nodded. "That's terrible." She thought things over for a moment. "Want to do it in Vader's Tie-Fighter?"

"Yes…yes I would."

The two held hands as the happily walked over to defile Vader's ship.

&

"Go Emperor…you can do it!" Creed cheered.

"That is my crew…they look out for me…" The Emperor didn't notice as Creed, Xizor and Cody were caught in an Ewok trap-net, yanked up into the treeline. "I look out for them." His stomach gurgled. "Uh-oh."

&

"Yah!" Guri shouted, taking out a riding crop and smacking Mark with it.

"How the hell did I get involved with this?" Mark asked.

"Yah, horsey, yah!"

&

"Oh God…my balls…" Veers cried out. "it's starting!"

&

Xizor glared at the Ewoks that were debating about eating them. "I hate this place."

"That's ok, Stanley, this is all just a bad acid trip…its not really happening." Creed said happily.

&

The Emperor groaned. "Need…bathroom…going…to poop."

Vader ran beside him, breathing hard…er. Harder. "This is a forest."

"I'm not an animal." The Emperor groaned, stomach grumbling. "Oh God…"

"Don't worry, Tarkin is feeling worse. I injected him with a tranq." Vader said happily. He paused, while the Emperor laughed. "HGH is a tranq, right?"

&

Tarkin roared, smashing through a tree with his bare hands.

"Tarkin smash!"

&

Vader's Tie-Fighter shuddered, steam forming on the glass before Asajj's hand struck it, slowly trailing down.

&

Kurt sat, annoyed, as he called the Death Star. "You have reached the Death Star. The base is empty, as we are currently running the Emperor Palpatine Fun Run." Assaj's recorded voice said.

Kurt groaned.

&

"Oh God…" The Emperor moaned, jogging slowly, farting hard. An Ewok that had been watching him sniffed, then promptly feel dead.

&

"He's my father." Luke told Leia, the two of them able to hear the Ewok's cheering C-3PO. "I have to face him."

"No Luke…" Leia began, not noticing Luke staring off in the distance, where Mara was waving for him to come to her.

"Yea, that's great…" Luke said aimlessly. "Uh…by the way, you're my sister, our mom is dead, time is money, Rosebud is a sled…" He shoved Leia away and ran to Mara. "Hey. Nice to finally meet you, pen-pal."

Mara nodded. "Ditto."

"So…you want to go grab some din…"

Mara tackled him and dragged him into the bushes, singing, "Slave…to the rhythm…slave…to the rhythm…" 

&

The Emperor groaned, the camera panning back to reveal his white shorts were now brown in the back. However, he forced himself on, dragging himself across the finish line. "I…won…" He panted.

"No, you didn't." Aurra said. "You are in last place. Tarkin was first…" She pointed to Tarkin, who Guri and Mark were restraining. "Then Guri, then me, then Bob and Vader and Veers…" Veers moaned, clutching his balls. "then Creed, Xizor and Cody…" The three men glared, covered in Ewok-style steak sauce. "Then Mara…" Mara was dressed in Luke's robes and nothing else. "And then Piett and Assaj…" The two had messed up hair, Assaj's bra tucked in Piett's pocket. "Then you."

The Emperor groaned. "But…at least…I finished…" He reached for the jar of money they had collected. "Thank…you all…this will go…a long way…towards fixing my shuttle."

"Wait…" Piett said. "I thought you said this was for Sly…an injured girl."

"Yes…ships are called girls and she was wounded."

The crew glared at him.

&

"Am I a hero?" The Emperor asked. "Perhaps. I changed the world…and that makes me feel good." The camera panned back to reveal the Emperor squatting over a toilet. "Oh God in heaven!" He screamed, body shaking. "Kill me…oh God kill me! AAAAA!"


	18. Episode XVIII: B&B

"Hey

"Hey." Asajj said, glancing over and noticing that Piett had entered the break room. "I got you one." She tossed him a Coke.

"Thanks." He said, grabbing the can and cracking it open. "Mmm…sweet."

"You know what's sweeter?" Asajj asked, peeking him on the check.

"…sugar?" Piett finally asked.

"Jerk." Asajj laughed, neither noticing Tarkin watching them.

&

"What's this?" The Emperor asked, holding out a memo.

Tarkin shrugged. "I just wanted to make sure that everyone remembered that we aren't allowed to have public displays of affection…" 

"Is this…about me getting drunk last night and humping Creed?" The Emperor asked coldly. "I told you, I thought he was Meg Ryan. Second…what I do…on my own time…"

"It is about Asajj and Piett." Tarkin said dully.

Everyone murmured to themselves.

"Asajj and Piett?"

"Those two?"

"About time." 

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I look like Meg Ryan?"

"uuuuummmm…" Piett said. "Yes…" He grinned at Creed. "You do look like her."

&

"The Death Star, this is Darth Vader." Vader said. "Oh…hold please." Piett raised an eyebrow as Vader set the phone down, pulled out a binder, and then picked up the phone once more. "Vader Farms, how may assist you?" Vader asked, trying to mimic a German accent…and failing. "Ok, party of 2…oh, I'm sorry, we don't have king beds…or queen…no, the beds are made from straw, so there is no real size to them." 

Piett stared.

&

"IT is not a Bed and breakfast." Vader said sternly. "I run an agro-entertainment hotel. People come…they sleep in…large structures, and then I feed them break…er…brunch. Yes, brunch." He paused. "Breakfast is the work of Jedi…brunch is the meal of Sith."

&

"How much is a room?" Asajj asked Vader.

"I am not answering, because you are mocking me." Vader said sternly.

"That is a great way to improve your business." Piett commented.

&

Later that night, the cameras entered the Mos Eslie Cantina, observing the patrons. Slowly, they began to pan towards the bar…

"Orders up, Palps!" The bar tender shouted. "3 blue milks and nerfburgers tos table 7…come on!" The bar tender shouted.

The waiter nodded, taking the tray, only to freeze when he saw the cameras. The waiter…The Emperor…froze. "uh…oh…"

&

"Money…has been a little tight…so I decided to take a second job." The Emperor said. "It helps pay for the little things I want..the goodies and such that I like to spoil myself with…like food and heat and rent…" 

&

"I can't believe this place is real." Piett said as he guided the shuttle down towards the onion farm on Naboo. "I mean…I've heard of Vader's farm…but…I always assumed it was a myth like Bigfoot."

"Or a kangaroo." Asajj commented.

"What?"

The two ofthem grew quiet when they noticed Jar Jar Binks running beside their slowly landing shuttle, zipping past them and towards the house.

"We're…going to die here, aren't we?" Piett said, noticing Vader on the porch of the old farmhouse.

"Yes…yes we are."

&

"And here are your tubers." The Emperor said, handing a table their fries.

"Thanks sweet thing." Bib Fortuna commented, slapping the Emperor on the ass.

The Emperor frowned but did nothing.

&

"I am learning to be calm…to not electrocute everyone that offends me…" The Emperor paused. "Or else Mr. Sapachie will fire me."

&

"We have three rooms, each with a different theme." Vader said.

"What are the themes?"

"Corn, Hockey, and lesbians."

"We'll take Lesbians." Asajj said, much to Piett's amusement.

"Ok then…" Vader took out a ledger. "Now, do you have any special needs?" 

"We will need a bedtime puppet show." Piett said.

"No." Vader replied.

"The customer is always right…." Piett muttered.

"…I will see what I can do." Vader finally said. "Jar Jar…bags."

"Meesa get bags." Jar Jar said happily, trotting up and getting the bags. "Yousa follow meesa!"

Piett and Asajj just looked at each other before following Jar Jar to their room: A small bedroom with asian sex dolls glued to the wall.

"I will come get you for the table making demonstration…and as of today, we are completely rat free as Vader Farm." Piett sat on the bed, a cloud of rat poison flying up. "See you soon."

Asajj looked about. "We are going to die."

"Everyone will die." Piett commented.

"I meant soon."

"So did I."

&

The Emperor wiped his brow with a hankie. "This is hard work." 

"You knows whats is hard work?" Mr. Sapachi asked. "Diggin's ditches, doin's fat chicks, and killin's vampires. Now quit pickin' ya nose and make me some dough! Come ons!" He swatted at The Emperor with his towel, sending the old man away.

&

"You know, I just realized this is Asajj and mine first vacation," Piett said. Behind him, Asajj was helping Vader and Jar Jar artificially inseminate a Nubian Cow. "I always pictured it with wine, candles, dancing till dawn…Vader wasn't there, though if he was I imagined he would be dead, and…there was a lot less bull sperm. There would still be some…but not a lot."

"No Jar Jar!" Vader shouted as the gungan lifted a turkey baster filled with bull splunk, aiming it at Vader playfully. "Don't you…NOOOOOO!"

&

"Welcome to the Cantina, may a take your…"

"Emperor?"

The Emperor paled. "Guri?" 

Guri turned her head sideways, confused. "Why are you here?" She glanced back at Dash Rendar of Rendar Refridgeration. "If the Emperor is here, then I must be at work. But then you wouldn't be here as you don't like the Emperor. So that means I'm not at work. But if I am not at work, then the Emperor can't be here. But he is here, so I must be at…" He head shook.

"She's gonna blow!" Dash Rendar of Rendar Refridgeration shouted, diving under the table. The rest of the diners also went for cover before Guri's head exploded. 

The Emperor blinked, covered in soot. "What the…"

Guri's head popped back up. "Luckily my head was built with paradox-crumple zones…" She looked at the Emperor. "Why are you here…are we at work?"

"HITS THE DECK!" Mr. Sapachi shouted.

&

Mr. Sapachi glared at the Emperor. "How hards is it tos just give the peoples whats they want?"

"I didn't mean for Guri's head to explode…"

"And I didn't means to give my girlfriend da clap, but shit happens." MR. Sapachi snapped. He shook his head. "Your offs waiterin'." He tossed the Emperor a mop. "Gets moppin'."

The Emperor sighed and headed back out.

&

Vader held up his hand, clothed in a white sock with googly eyes glued to it. "And then, Sawyer said," He mimicked, badly, a Southern accent, "I'm a complicated guy, sweetheart." He returned to his normal voice as he held up a Kate sock-puppet.

Asajj settled in against Piett, smiling softly, though she frowned when she noticed Jar Jar looking at her feet and licking his lips.

&

"What did you bring, Watto?" The Emperor asked.

"Oooo…" Watto said, looking in his lunchbox. "I brought…us…some tastey bugs. They ya go well with my prune juice. You?"

The Emperor shrugged. "I bought a ham sandwich."

"Ugh." Watto complained. "I hate ham." 

The Emperor nodded. "You're just one big racist jewish stereotype, aren't you?" 

"What?" 

"Nothing."

&

THUNK

THUNK

THUNK

Asajj sat up, grabbing her lightsaber and using it as a light as she looked about the old farm house, searching for the source of the banging. Moving out into the hall, she followed the noise until she looked out the window.

There, in an outhouse, Jar Jar said with one of her shoes, leg twitching happily as he looked at it, the door to the outhouse banging loudly.

Asajj looked at the camera. "I…keep waiting for the Blair Witch to come and kill us."

&

The Emperor groaned as he scrubbed the toilet in the women's bathroom. "I know…it doesn't look that special. But let me tell you, the fact that my back hurts and that my nose burns and my fingers smell only tell me I'm doing a great job…" 

The door opened, and the Emperor raised an eyebrow.

"Boba Fett?"

Boba looked down at the Emperor, on his knees with his butt in the air and rubbed his hands together.

"Happy Birthday Boba Fett."

"Oh no…" The Emperor pleaded, Boba shoving the camera men out. "No…no….noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh sweet mystery of life, at last I found you…."

&

Hoooooopoooooooooo

Hoooooooopoooooooo

"You're turn." Asajj mumbled as Piett stood up, taking her lightsaber and chasing after the noise. He finally entered the Corn theme bedroom to find Vader sitting on his bed, looking down at a picture.

"Uh…you ok?" Piett asked.

"Fine." Vader said quickly. "Just fine…"

"What…are you looking at?"

"Just a picture of my wife." Vader said, holding it out for Piett to see. "No big deal."

Piett shielded his eyes. "Dear God she's naked."

"What are you, gay?"

Piett slowly backed out of the room.

&

The next day, Asajj yawned at her desk, the Emperor and Piett mimicking her.


	19. Episode XIX: Bankrupcy

"So, Kurt is coming in today

"So, Kurt is coming in today." The Emperor said, trying to muster as much enthusiasm as he could, which wasn't easy considering his head was pressed against his desk. "Real great…get to finally see him again…" The Emperor yawned. "Ok, so the thing is, I've been working really hard, and right now I am just wiped. It was a long night…it was really hard…" He paused, "That's….yawn…what she…eh, you know."

Abcdefg

"Hey guys!" Kurt said much to happily, entering the office. He was dressed in designer emperor robes, a cup of coffee in hand. "How is my favorite young, go-getting crew doing?"

Asajj yawned.

"Long night?" Kurt asked weakly.

"No…you just drain the energy from me." 

"…ok."

ABCDEFG

"Yea, Kurt is now the Super Emperor, as the Emperor calls him." Xizor said listlessly. "Just means I have another idiot bossing me around."

ABCDEFG

Tarkin sighed. "I…don't have time to worry about Kurt. Guri is trying to get me to help her plan her robo-baby's career. She has narrowed it to either bookie or working here." He paused. "I…think I will push for bookie. Atleast they have dignity." He sighed. "Wish I was a bookie."

ABCDEFG

"Ok, Emperor, why don't you start us off?"

The Emperor frowned. "A little fanfare wouldn't hurt."

Kurt sighed, waving his hand at the Red Guards that always followed him. The guards produced kazoos and began to blow a fanfare.

The Emperor waved to the crew happily, trying to stifle his yawns. "Thank you, thank…you are too kind. Thank you…please, that is too much, stop clapping!"

Only Vader was clapping. Asajj was leaning on Piett's shoulder, asleep. Creed and Bob were trying to look down Sly's top. Aurra was making kissy faces at Kurt. Mara and Cody were debating who could kill Kurt quicker and take his job. Xizor was doig a word jumble. And Tarkin was explaining to Guri that she could to hire her robo-baby as her personal assistant.

"Thank you…thank you…" The Emperor said happily, waving to the crew.

"Emperor." Kurt said sternly. "Could you please show us how to use the super-cannon?"

The Emperor nodded. "Of course." He yawned slightly. "Ok…so, first we open our powerpoint document…" He paused as the Microsoft Paperclip appeared.

"I see you are trying to destroy a planet. May I help?"

"Oh, sure." The Emperor said. Behind him, Guri's robo-baby crawled towards him.

"NO!" Cody and Mara called out, but it was too late: The paperclip began opening the Death Star Cannon Wizard Program.

"First, select strength of blast…" The Emperor began to read.

"Emperor." Kurt said sternly. "You didn't learn how to use the program, did you?" 

The Emperor shrugged. "Maybe."

"I TOLD YOU TO LEARN THE PROGRAM!" Kurt bellowed.

"Oh, like anyone could work this without Wizard!" The Emperor snapped.

Guri's robo-baby cooed as she bashed her hands against the keyboard.

"The death star will fire upon Super Emperor Kurt's Star Destoyer in 3…2…1…" 

The space station shuddered.

"oooo, that's not good." Bob said.

ABCDEFG

"Ok, so I wasn't prepared. Big deal. Not like anyone got hurt." The Emperor said. "Excuse me." He moved away from the camera, towards a woman dressed in black. "I'm sorry your husband was killed by the Death Star."

The woman sobbed.

ABCDEFG

The robo-baby just grinned at the camera. "Goo goo." She cooed.

ABCDEFG

"Why didn't you do what I asked?" Kurt demanded.

"I had a long night, and my boss can back me up…"

"I'm your boss." Kurt said.

"My other boss, at the cantina."

Piett raised an eyebrow. "You are a cocktail waitress?"

"Waiter…I am a waiter."

"Emperor, you can't work two jobs." Kurt said sternly.

"Actaully, I seem to be…"

"I mean if you don't quit your waiter job, I will fire you."

The Emperor just stared.

ABCDEFG

"This is what I don't get…" Bob said, "…how can he have two jobs…I barely manage to do this one…and I mean barely…I spend most of my time pretending to staring at the wall…I can't even ACTUALLY stare at it in a bored way."

ABCDEFG

Mara scoffed. "The Emperor…debasing himself like that…it is shameful. The only people that should be waiters are poor people and idiots."

ABCDEFG

"Oh, I use to love bartending back in college!" Aurra said happily, bouncing in her seat.

ABCDEFG

Mr. Sapachie looked down at his watch. "Yous five hours late. I'ms not payin' yous the extra time."

The Emperor sighed. "I'm here to quit. It has been fun…but I need to focus on my other job." 

Mr. Sapachie shrugged. "That's okays, I was abouts ta fire yous."

The Emperor reached over and hugged Mr. Sapachie. "I'll miss you." 

"Whats are ya, gays? GET OFF!"

abcdefg

"I tried to have it all." The Emperor said sadly. "A job, a condo, a space station that can destroy a planet…but…I just can't have it all…I can't."

abcdefg

"Asajj…Piett…can I talk to you?" The Emperor asked, motioning for the couple to follow him into the conference room. The two did so, the cameras in pursuit. "Listen…you two are now together, so I think it is only fair that you begin paying the couple tax."

"Couple tax?" Asajj asked.

"Yea…no big deal, just a tax you have to pay every time Piett bangs you like a bongo drum." 

Piett smirked. "How did he learn my nickname for you ass?"

Asajj rolled her eyes. "Emperor…there is no couple tax…" 

The Emperor nodded. "Yes there is…now, between the two of you…you owe the Empire…15 trillion credits…each…"

Piett began to get out his wallet, but Asajj just slapped his hand. "What is going on, Emperor?" She asked.

"…Can you keep a secret?"

"Not really." Piett said.

"I enjoy being spanked but don't want people knowing it." Asajj commented.

"My middle name is Nancy."

"I once raped a German Shepard."

"I had a sexual dream about Vader."

"I once had a dream that Piett had a sexual dream about Vader."

The Emperor held up his hand. "Ok…ok…" He leaned in, deciding to tell the two anyway. "The Empire is bankrupt."

"What?" Both said in shock.

"The second Death Star is costing too much. We are over budget…behind schedule…I had Vader start his Bed and Breakfast to help pay for it, and I had the second job…but Kurt made me quit and Jar Jar is scaring customers…we are in trouble…their going to repossess the Death Star, and Kurt is going to fire me…" The Emperor sniffed. "We are in trouble!"

"I should have went to work at Wal-Mart." Piett muttered as he and Asajj turned their backs on the Emperor to discuss what to do.

"Any ideas?" Asajj asked.

"No, you?"

"We could have a bake sale…or enter a singing contest?" 

"Does that ever work, outside of The Brady Bunch?" Piett asked.

Asajj sighed. "no."

"We need to do something soon, before the Emperor…"

Thy both heard the door to the conference room slam shut, the Emperor leaving.

"…stupid."

Abcdefg

"So, the Emperor bankrupted us." Piett said. "I'm…not surprised. I've seen his budget." He pulled out a pie chart. "90 of our budget goes to buying pie chart making devices. I…wish I was joking…I really do."

Abcdefg

Xizor scoffed. "This would have never happened if I had been in charge…I know how to handle my money!"

"Hey!" Guri's robo-baby called out, being carried by Guri into the room. "You owe me 50 bucks…the Pistons won."

Xizor frowned. "I'm good for it."

The baby paused. "Break his thumbs."

Guri nodded. "Right boss."

abcdefg

The Emperor sat on the bench, feeding the pigeons. After a few minutes, Mon Montha sat down next to him.

"Hello Emperor."

"Hi Mon." The Emperor said sadly. "I'm ready."

Mon Montha nodded. "I got your note…you wanted to turn yourself in."

"I'm a disgrace…I bankrupted my own Empire, Kurt is now in control." He sniffed, crying softly. "I am a horrible person."

"Yes…you are. But not for those reasons." Mon said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "Listen…there are ways around this…you can make up the money."

"No…I really screwed up…" The Emperor whimpered.

Mon smiled softly, taking his hand. "Come on…lets go do something to cheer you up, then you'll forget about this surrendering thing and go back to fighting with us for control of the galaxy? How does that sound, huh? Does the Emperor want to go play in the park, huh? Maybe chase a ball around?"

"Can we have sex?" The Emperor said softly.

"…oh, what the hell." Mon finally said, leading the Emperor away. "But you can't video tape us and sell it to pay back the bank on the Death Star loan."

"…oh…well, I guess we can still do it." The Emperor said glumly.

&


	20. Episode XX: The Return

"Where the hell is Vader

"Where the hell is Vader?" The Emperor asked, looking around the office…and especially at the empty chair that was Vader's. "Piett, you know where Vader is?"

"No…I do not." Piett said.

"Come on, its me…you can tell me…did you kill Vader?"

"What?" Piett asked.

"You know…as a prank?"

Piett leaned back, raising an eyebrow. "How would that be a prank?"

"I don't know…told him you had some candy, then shoved a shiv in his eye?" The Emperor ventured.

"What?" Piett asked.

"Or maybe you made him think he was going to a whore house but really took him to a slaughter house."

"Are you just randomly coming up with ways to kill Vader?"

"…"

&

"Why was I late today?" Vader asked. "Because…and if you tell anyone about this, I will kill you…I went down to Endor to try and convince my son to join the Empire. A real feather in my cap." The Sith Lord nodded. "I think I made some good progress."

&

Luke looked up from where he was playing Yu-Gi-Oh! against Han, shaking his head. "no…he didn't convince me at all…if I do go, it will be out of pity."

"I attack with Blue Eyes White Dragon for the win!" Han called out.

"Son of a…"

&

"About time, Vader, about time." The Emperor said, waving for the Sith to sit down. "Here is my dream team…my Imperial Dream Team." He waved at the group. "Today, we are going to do some tag team oppression. We are going to split up into teams of 3, and each one of us will try and convince a local government to side with us and not with the Rebellion." The Emperor paused. "Ok, lets go old school, ok? Piett and Vader, you were a team in the old days, so you're together." 

&

"We worked together." Piett admitted. "And I also tried to hang myself. Does that tell you anything?"

&

"Guri and Xizor, you two together…and I guess that leaves me by myself." The Emperor grinned.

"You could go with Guri's robo-baby." Piett suggested.

The Emperor paled as Guri held up the silver robotic infant, the baby's red glowing eyes staring back at him as the girl-bot giggled.

&

Guri and Xizor strapped themselves into the ship, neither of them in the mood to talk. They both knew how to get things done.

Piett thanked Asajj as she slipped him some earplugs and, thanks to the Emperor's earlier talk, a shiv.

The Emperor struggled to get the baby seat loaded.

&

Guri and Xizor looked at the smoking remains of Jabba's sailing barge.

"Mission accomplished?" Guri questioned.

Xizor nodded. "Come on, lets go whore you out and make some extra cash."

&

Piett looked at Vader, who was still in the Tie Fighter. "Must you?"

"Five minutes." 

"…fine." Piett grumbled, turning his back as Vader cranked up some Hillary Duff and began to bob his head happily.

&

The Emperor sat down, watching as the Wookie Leader glared at him and the babbling robo-baby.

"I suggest you do as I ask…I can make life easy or difficult…up to you."

The Wookie growled.

"That isn't a nice thing to say about my mother!" The Emperor exclaimed.

The Wookie growled again.

"Ok, ok, I hear what you are saying…but listen, there are ways to express anger without insult my family."

Another growl.

"No, I don't think the robo-baby looks creepy."

"Woo?" The baby cooed.

Another growl.

"Now that wasn't…"

Before the Emperor could react, Guri's robo-baby leapt out of her high chair, grabbing the Wookie's head and slamming it into his desk. Letting out a mechanical snarl, the baby held out her hand, the limb turning into a buzz saw.

The Emperor leaned back in shock as a fountain of blood erupted.

&

"Well, that went well." Piett said, wiping some blood from his knuckles.

"Yes, quite well."

"What was up with you clamming up when that guy showed you a picture of his kids…"

"I wasn't having sexual fantesies about them!"

Piett leaned back. "Uh…I wasn't going to…" 

"Oh yes you were! You always accuse me of that and you can't anymore! I will not have my son coming to work here…"

"Wait." Piett held up his hand. "Your son is coming to work on the Death Star?"

Vader sighed. "I…I am trying to convince him. That's why I was late, today." He pointed a finger at Piett. "You can not tell anyone!"

"Ok ok…" Piett said quickly. "So…you and your mom get back together?"

"Grrrrrrrrr."

&

Guri's Robo-baby looked over at the Emperor holding out the Wookie finger she was teething on.

"No thanks." The Emperor said shakenly. The baby shrugged and went back to nibbling on it. "Let's…uh…listen to the radio." He clicked it on, surfing through the channels…

"Welcome back folks. I got all the hot gossip from the Empire. Did you hear the one about Boba Fett raping the Emperor in a catina?"

"It…never happened." The Emperor told the baby.

"Well, I have something even more scandal-enducing. Guess who we found on the forrest moon of Endor, chatting with known rebels…here's a hint…he's really tall, dressed all in black, and has asthma."

"Vader…" The Emperor whispered.

&

Vader turned, looking up at the Emperor, who stood next to his desk, watching in carefully. "What can I do for you, my mas…"

"Don't master me!" The Emperor snarled.

"…you mean I can finally call you Palpatine?" Vader sniffed happily. "I think I'm gonna cry!"

"No, I don't mean that…" The Emperor said. "I know you were on Endor."

"Uh…no I wasn't."

"Yes, you were."

"No, I wasn't." 

"No you weren't." Piett said.

"No, you weren't." The Emperor said.

"Yes, I was." Vader said in anger.

"…wow, I thought that only worked on Bugs Bunny." Piett muttered.

The Emperor blinked. "So…you do admit it!"

"My master…"

"Why were you down there, Vader…slumming it with rebels?" He paused. "Maybe you are the one that leaked the Death Star plans."

By now, the entire crew was watching as Vader and the Emperor argued.

"I would never do that!"

"Then tell me why you were down there!" The Emperor snarled.

"I…I…"

"I don't want to hear it…I want you gone Vader. Now." 

Vader hung his head in shame.

&

"On one hand…if he is gone, I never have to deal with him." Piett said. "On the other…I can't play with him." He grinned.

&

"Emperor, Vader was on Endor with his son." Piett said, the Sith lords turning to look at him. "He told me he was trying to convince his son to join us."

"…is that true?" 

"Yes, my lord."

The Emperor laughed. "Good! Why didn't you tell me about this…come on, lets discuss our plans."

&

"Do I feel like Vader owes me?" Piett said. "Not in the slightest. I know he would have done the same…"

"Piett." Vader said, the camera panning over to him. "I told you not to tell…I die tonight."

"…for me." Piett finished. He pulled out his phone. "Asajj…can I spend the night at your place?"


	21. Episode XXI: Take Your Child To Work Day

"I am actually looking forward to work today

"I am actually looking forward to work today." Asajj said. "You see, the Emperor declared today "Take Your Child to Work Day". A lot of people are bringing their kids…and I plan on getting to know them. Me and Piett and a couple…and with the number of times we do it, its only a matter of time before we pull a Jamie Lynn Spears."

&

"Bribery, nice." Piett said, observing the candy Asajj was laying out.

"Oh, I have more." Asajj said, pulling out a gun. "Threats of violence."

"That is a sure fire way to get a child to like you." 

"Worked for my dad and I didn't end up screwed up…except I stripped through college and now I enjoy eating human hearts." She pulled one out of her lunch pail. "mmm…"

&

"Why have Take Your Child to Work Day? Because, to be honest, Vader wouldn't stop whining about it. I guess he is bringing his little boy Luke here to meet everyone…sounds cute. We have a ton of stuff ready to entertain him." The Emperor said. "Story time, arts and crafts…I hope he likes Barney."

&

"This is where I work." Vader said, showing Luke around.

"Not quite how I imagined." Luke said.

"How did you imagine it?" Vader questioned.

"Chains, whips, screams of agony."

"Its an office…not your mother's bedroom."

"What?" Luke questioned.

"So…this is your son." Piett said, leaning back in his chair.

"Ignore him." Vader said.

"I heard children end up retarded if their parents are related."

"I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY MOTHER!" Vader roared, Luke looking on in horror and Piett grinning with glee.

"So…Luke isn't your son then?"

"He is my son!"

"You just consider him your brother since he came out of your mother/lover's womb." Piett questioned.

&

"I don't have a child, but that's ok." Cody said. "I got the Kaminoians to let me borrow a young clone." He paused. "I don't think its creepy."

&

"Emperor, you remember my daughter, Xiza." Xizor said, pointing to the teen sitting next to him.

"Oh, hey!" The Emperor grinned. "So…you've gotten bigger since I saw you."

"Is that a crack about my weight? Ya, I gained 200 pounds…that isn't any reason to make fun of me!"

The Emperor paled. "I mean you got tall…"

"Don't talk your way out of this." Xiza said, snapping her fingers. "I am a large, powerful green woman, and I would break you in two, old man."

Xizor nodded. "That she would."

&

"Its not that I don't think kids are great…but why be a dad when you can be an evil master who tortures your apprentice?" The Emperor asked the cameraman. "I mean…unless you are like Bing Crosby."

&

"This is Guri." Vader said. "She is a robot."

Luke nodded. "Uh…hi."

"Hello offspring of Lord Vader. This is my offspring. I built her from spare parts." Guri held out her silver robotic baby. "Would you like to feed her a cookie?"

"Uh…"

"Don't feed it." Vader advised. "And don't get it wet."

"Isn't that the rules for not getting gremlins?" Luke asked.

"Works here too." Vader commented.

&

Cody looked at the young clone seated next to him. "Do you remember what to do if anyone other then Piett or Bob try to get you to go someplace?"

The boy pulled out a blaster that was larger then himself. "Die, evil person!"

"Good boy."

&

"Come along Luke." Vader said, leading him into the conference room. "My son would like to help you put up decorations."

Mara grinned. "Oh…I'm sure Luke can help me…fill some slots…cram some holes full…bang out some tasks…" 

"That last one was also sexual." Creed commented, walking by.

&

"How is my favorite…crew…" Kurt said, stepping into the office, only to find everyone busy entertaining the children. "What the hell?" 

"Its take your child to work day." Asajj said. "See…I brought candy."

"To bribe them like the witch in Hansel and Grendel."

"Uh…I don't think her name was Grendel."

Kurt shook his head. "It doesn't matter. We are at war with the Alliance…we are not a day care center." He pointed at the children. "We shouldn't have teens…or 5 year olds…or whatever this is." He gestured at the robo-baby.

CHOMP

"AAAAAA!" Kurt clasped his wrist, staring in horror as Guri's robo-baby chewed on his hand…which she had bitten off.

The Robo-Baby sheepishly held the hand out to Asajj.

"Uh…keep it." 

&

Mara left the broom closet, adjusting her uniform. Four minutes later, a dazed Luke emerged, a grin on his face.

&

"Hello." Asajj said to the clone Cody had borught in. "What is your name?"

"I am Clone Number 2345918374."

"…I'm gonna call you Wiggles."

&

Luke slowly entered the Emperor's office, cautious of what he could find. He was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for this picture of kind…if strange…office to shatter and reveal the evil he knew as lurking underneath.

"Hello Emperor."

"Hello there." The Emperor said, a big grin plastered on his face. "What's your name?" He said, using a higher pitch and happy tone.

"Uh…Luke."

"Well, hi there Luke. I'm the Emperor…I work with daddy."

Luke frowned. "I…know you do."

"How old are you?" The Emperor asked happily.

Luke leaned back. "25."

"Wow, can you count that high?" The Emperor asked. "Let me help…one…two…three…four…"

&

"You know…there was this moisture farmer my Uncle Owen knew…he'd spent too much time in the sun and it fried his brain…I think that happened to the Emperor." Luke said.

&

While Luke dealt with the Emperor, Vader watched as Piett fed Guri's robo-baby a cookie. "I would not do that…she is very dangerous."

"No more dangerous than working next to a Sith Lord." Piett commented, burping the baby.

"She is dangerous."

"She's cute."

"She's a menace."

"She's not even 6 months old."

"She is evil."

"She has your lightsaber." 

"She has my…what?" Vader looked down, horrified as the robo-baby cooed, activating the lightsaber and swinging it at him, cutting off Vader's left arm. "AAAARRRGGGG!"

The Robo-baby giggled and added the hand to her collection.

&

"There you go." Xiza said, attaching the robotic arm to Kurt's bloody stump. "Good as new."

"Thanks."

"So…you're the head of the empire, huh?" She asked, batting her eyelashes at him.

Kurt nodded. "Started off as a spy, now I'm in charge. Cool, huh."

"Very." She ran a very…very chunky finger along Kurt's back. "You know…some people tell me I have the form of a queen."

Kurt smirked. "Dairy Queen?"

&

"WHAT DID YOU THINK YO WERE DOING?" Xizor demanded, pushing Kurt back into a corner.

"I…I…"

Xizor glared at him. "THAT GIRL IS SWEET, KIND…SHE HAS SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE…"

Kurt couldn't help himself, the bloodloss preventing him from staying his tongue. "Well, over course she has twice as much love…there is twice as much her…"

Xizor pulled out a blaster. "It's going down like this…you will pick her up at 7…you will treat her like a queen…and if you break her heart…"

"You'll what…shoot me?" Kurt questioned.

"No…" Xizor pointed to where Piett was. "I'll sick the robo-baby on you."

"…dinner and a movie ok?" 

&

"The letter D." Vader said, standing straight as Creed touched his feet and head to Vader's, sticking his but out.

Luke frowned. "I already know the alphabet."

"Me too." The young clone said.

"Shhh!" Vader commanded. "I want you all to pay attention."

"What are you doing?" The Emperor demanded.

Creed shrugged as he sat down as Vader's feet, sticking out his arms and legs to help Vader form the letter E. "Interpertive dance."

Piett and Asajj watched from the doorway as Creed and Vader stood. "How about a lower case h?" Piett asked.

"Ok." Vader said. "Creed, bend down, stick your ass here…"

"NO!" The Emperor screamed. "Don't do gay things infront of the children."

"What's gay?" The young clone asked.

Luke leaned over. "When two men…or a spacepilot and a wookie…love each other…"

"No no no!" The Emperor snapped. "Vader…did you teach little Luke what gay means?"

"Little?" Luke questioned.

"My master…"

"He is just a boy…how dare you fill his head with such things when he should be playing catch and dreaming of pop flies."

Luke raised his hand. "I'm old enough to drink."

The Emperor turned to Luke. "Luke, sweetheart, the grownups are talking." He turned back to Vader. "Go and take Creed with you." He looked at the kids. "Who likes the tellytubbies."

All of the kids frowned. Even the Robo-Baby stuck her tongue out in disgust.

&

"I have found that children are much more mature then I thought. I assumed that all they did was eat and poop…turns out they talk, joke, have feelings…I won't be surprised if they couldn't poop."

&

Luke glared at the Emperor. "No."

The Emperor held out the fork, a piece of pizza on it. "Come on…here comes the airplane." Luke glared from the highchair he was strapped to, refusing to open his mouth. Beside him, the young clone Cody had brought was doing pushups, Xiza and Kurt were eating (with Xizor pointing a gun to Kurt's head) and Guri's robo-baby was looking at Sly's hands, then to the set she had already collected.

"No." Luke snapped.

"Oooo, the dark side is strong with this one."

"Just eat the food, Luke." Obi Wan's ghost said.

"MMm, humor him, you must." Yoda's ghost added.

"I will not." Luke snapped.

"Who are you talking to?" Asajj asked.

"Obi Wan and Yoda."

Asajj nodded. "Oh." She looked down at an empty chair. "Hi…my name is Asajj…are you Luke's imaginary friends?"

Luke groaned.

&

"Yes…I know I am suppose to be helping Luke…" Obi Wan's ghost said. "But it is so much more fun screwing with him. Like how I never told him that Leia was his sister…when he kissed her, I nearly & myself!"

&

"I am not taking a nap." Luke said sourly.

"He's cranky." The Emperor cooed.

"I hate this place." Luke muttered.

Vader sighed. "Son…you must take naps sometimes. Even I, the Apprentice Emperor…"

"Apprentice to the Emperor." Luke corrected.

"…what?"

"Piett told me all about you…you know, now I understand why Uncle Owen said you were a pilot on a freighter…that's a lot better then being a whiny emo Jedi that bitched about the smallest thing and spent more time styling his hair then worrying about fighting to save the Republic."

"…PIETT!"

&

"So…this was a good day." Asajj said with a grin. "Vader was totally embarrassed…Piett pulled a prank on him using Luke. The Emperor was his usual stupid self…Kurt got it in the end…and I found I can be a good parent to a child."

Guri's robo-baby cooed from the floor, where she was happily playing a blaster.

"No!" Asajj shouted, pointing the blaster away from the baby's head. "Fire away from you…away…"

BANG!

"OW!" Sly Moore shouted.

"Good girl." Asajj grinned.

&

Kurt slowly lowered himself to one knee. "Xiza…I've done a lot of thinking…and though we hardly know each other…" He whimpered as Xizor pressed the blaster closer to his head. "I would be honored…if you married me?"

Xiza squealed and pressed Kurt to her chest. "Oh, yes yes yes…"

"Smotheirng…in sea…of fat…" Kurt gasped.

&

The Emperor sighed. "Piett…do you know why I called you here?"

"No, Emperor." Piett answered.

"Seeing Luke and Vader…it makes me want to have a baby…" 

Piett's eyes widened. "You do know I am a man…and can't get pregnant…right?"

"I know, I know…You see, Piett…I've been with a lot of women."

"Really?" Piett questioned. "Because from what I've heard, you are more into Boba Fett…"

The Emperor paled. "Forget that…the point is…I've decided that I want to get in touch with all the children my baby mama's have had."

"That's…very honorable, sir."

"I thought so." The Emperor said. "now…your mother when to Naboo State, right?"

"Uh…yea…" Piett said slowly.

The Emperor grinned.

"No." Piett stammered. "No…That's not true…that's impossible."

"Search your feelings, you know it is true."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

&

Mara looked up from where her and Luke were having sex, frowning. "What was that?"

"Standard 'My father is evil' scream." Luke said. "I helped patent it."


	22. Episode XXII: The Flasher

Piett smiled at Asajj, making his way to his desk only to find Vader waiting for him with a ticket in hand

Piett smiled at Asajj, making his way to his desk only to find Vader waiting for him with a ticket in hand. "Did I win a trip to visit your chocolate factory?"

"I do not own a chocolate factory. And if I did, I would never invite you. This is a demerit for being late…"

"What kind of chocolate do you sell?" Piett asked.

"What?"

"What kind of chocolate does the factory you would own if you did own a chocolate factory sell?" 

Vader turned his head towards Piett dismissively. "We don't sell the chocolate, we make it."

"Who buys it?"

"Candy shops." Vader answered.

"What kind of chocolate would you sell."

"Dark chocolate, chocolate with nuts, and chocolate with caramel."

Piett nodded, sitting down in his chair. "Mhmm…what are your prices?"

"It depends on how much you buy." 

"2 cases" Piett answered

Vader took out a calculator, figuring out the total. "200 credits."

Piett fished around his pocket for the credits. "Then I would like 2 cases by five pm." 

Vader leaned back. "I don't…" 

"And if I do not have them by then, I will tell everyone that you are a horrible chocolate maker."

Vader quickly stood up. "I'll…get it made right away." He rushed out the door, Piett and Asajj sharing a laugh.

&

The next day, Piett sat with his crates of chocolate, happily eating a bar. Asajj was at her desk, typing away on a report, when she noticed Guri enter with a stunned look.

"Guri…are you ok? Are you suffering from a malfunction?"

The droid cocked her head to the side. "I…believe I was flashed." 

"What?" Asajj asked, horrified.

"In the docking bay."

"Move!" Vader shouted, rushing out of the office. He returned after a moment, pointing at Luke, who was still with the office. "Stay!"

"I'm not a dog!" Luke complained.

&

"I do enjoy the treats they give me though." He admitted, pulling out a rawhide to chew on.

&

Piett graded his com unit. "I'll call for some real help."

"What happened?" Asajj asked, rubbing Guri's back, wincing as she felt the hard metal under her palm.

"I was in the docking bay, when a man asked me for directions. He had a map out. And when I went over…he had…it on the map."

"Wish it had been me." Mara muttered.

"What?" Bob asked.

"Nothing." 

Cody frowned. "Then what happened?"

Guri shrugged. "The man asked if I could give him a good yank." She lifted her hand up, dropping a blood pile of flesh onto the desk. "So I did."

"Holy &# ass crackers!" Luke shouted, stepping away in horror.

"Ew, it's twitching." Aurra complained. "Ewewewewewewewewewewew!"

&

Creed shrugged at the camera. "It happens. The trick is to find good replacements. I currently use a Nerf gun." 

&

"What's wrong?" The Emperor asked, entering the office.

"Someone flashed Guri," Asajj said.

The Emperor nodded. "Wow…that is horrible. How are you holding up?" 

"Me?" Asajj asked.

"Well, yea…knowing that whoever did this passed over you must have you feeling bad." The Emperor rubbed his chin. "I'll make it up to you. Tarkin, flash Asajj."

"What?" Asajj screamed.

"That is sick." Cody exclaimed.

"I don't mind doing it…if it makes you feel better." Tarkin said.

&

"The employees of the Death Star are evil, yes…but flashing takes it too far." Vader said as he stabbed his lightsaber into some crates. "Better I kill I million people on Alderan then let one flasher roam free."

&

"So…" Luke said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head. "What…can I do to help?" 

"You could babysit Guri's robo-baby." Sly offered.

Luke looked down at the robot infant, who was currently pealing the flesh from Kurt's dismembered hand.

"Uh…anything else?"

"No." Sly said, picking the baby up and handing her to Luke. "Remember not to feed her after midnight or get her wet."

"Instant that the rule in Gremlins?" Luke asked as the baby happily tugged on his hair.

"Works here too."

&

"Emperor, when you get off work, Slave 1, bring the KY." Boba Fett said through the com unit.

"I…I have a headache." The Emperor whimpered.

"You either come or I will make you come…got it?" Boba Fett hissed.

Emperor whimpered.

&

Luke sighed. "Do I have to?"

"Yes," Vader said sternly.

Luke groaned. "Attention…my father, the mighty and in no way wussy or bitchy or girly Darth Vader wishes to present new rules."

Vader nodded. "Yes. From now on, I will accompany all of you to your shuttles and back to the office, so that I might prevent the flasher from attacking you."

"Technically, he has nothing to attack." Xizor mumbled.

"What did happen to the…items?" 

Guri's Robot-baby burped.

"…I just fed her, you sickos!" Luke snapped.

&

"You know, I don't often wish to have Durge back…but I would love to have seen what he would do to a flasher." Asajj said.

"I imagine he'd have killed me ages ago, then." Piett said, the camera panning back to reveal him sitting neck to her. "Especially after last night…"

"MMM…chocolate." Asajj murmured.

&

"What are we doing, you ask?" The Emperor said as the women of the office slowly entered his shuttle. "Not taking them out for a sex orgy!" He laughed, then stroked his chin.

"No." Asajj said sternly.

"Fine, fine." He shook his head. "Spoil my fun. What we are doing is showing the women of this battle station that I love them…that they are special. And not the bad special like how Vader should be playing in the Special Olympics, the good one."

"Why am I here?" Luke asked.

"Because you are girly enough…comes from your father. Now lets go…the mall awaits!"

&

"I got a description from Piett of what Guri's flasher looked like." Vader pulled out the notes. "Tall, black outfit, sounded like Mustafa from The Lion King…" Vader shook his head. "Sick pervert."

&

"Ok…what do you gals want to talk about?" The Emperor asked, biting down into his foot long sub.

Luke frowned. "Can we talk about why I am here and why you haven't tried to turn me to the Dark Side?"

"Oh, there is plenty of time to convince you to kill your father and join me in evil. Today is about the girls."

The women stared at each other.

"I enjoyed ripping that man's privates off," Guri finally said. "I plan to do it more often." 

"Go slowly, it makes them scream louder." Mara ignored Luke's horrified look.

Asajj nodded. "And put salt out…burns the wound."

"Sometimes, if you do it right, they start to enjoy it, then they hate it again." Sly said.

"Boba Fett is raping me nightly," The Emperor burst out.

"…I enjoy spanking them while doing it." Aurra said, even as the rest of the women stared at the Emperor.

&

Piett walked over to the fridge to get a pop, pausing as he noticed that Vader had put up his description of the Flasher.

"It is…just too easy."

&

"Gals…I don't know what to do about Boba Fett." The Emperor held his head in his hands.

"Stupid question," Luke said, "aren't you a Sith Lord…why not just kill him?"

The Emperor blinked. "That…is brilliant."

&

"Ok, I am doing this." The Emperor said, heading back to his private office. "I am going to walk up to Boba Fett, and tell that bounty hunter it is over…"

The Emperor froze when he heard his door slam shut behind him, leaving him alone in the office with Boba Fett.

"…the rainbow…way…up high." The Emperor took a step back. "Please no…no…"

&

"ARRRRRRGGG!"

Vader looked up. "Guess Guri caught another one."


	23. Episode XXIII: Safety Training

"Today is safety training day," The Emperor said

"Today is safety training day," The Emperor said. "Tarkin is leading ours upstarts…yuck." The Emperor shifted uneasily. "And…uh…Boba Fett will be leading the one down hole…I mean down low…I mean anal sex…" The Emperor nodded his head. "Yes…I think I covered that nicely."

&

Boba Fett, walking with a pair of crutches, led the Death Star crew over to Slave 1. "Now then…this my ship. Only bounty hunters can drive my ship. Question…Emperor, can you drive my ship?"

"I have and will continue to do so." The Emperor answered.

"No!" Boba snarled. "This is my ship…only someone with a bounty hunter license can drive my ship!"

"I'm not the only one to drive Slave 1…Large Ass over there has done it many times." The Emperor pointed at a very large bounty hunter.

"Hey!" The bounty hunter shouted. "Watch it…my name is Fat Ass, not Large Ass."

"Sorry, sorry." The Emperor said, holding up a hand. "But come on, me driving Slave 1 isn't the worst…"

"Yes, it is!" Boba snarled. "And he is qualified."

&

"We do safety straining every year…or when there is an accident. We've never made it a full year." Boba shook his head. "This time, I was…involved with someone…when said person let go of the brake on the sex swing and shouted…"

&

"I'm Superman!" The Emperor laughed.

&

"I slipped and cracked my ankle…I am so going to make that bastard pay…"

&

Boba Fett led them over to the main cannon of the Death Star. "This cannon can destroy a planet instantly. And thanks to the Emperor not waiting to install safety features, it can go off with a slight shake. Question…how many planets have been destroyed by the Death Star?"

"I have 10 credits on 15." Luke whispered.

"You really want to bet?" Piett asked, his arm wrapped around Asajj.

Luke shrugged. "You have a better idea of what to do to pass the time."

"2," Boba Fett said.

Luke cursed, getting the credits out, but Piett merely shook him off. "We'll find something to go double of nothing on."

"I just don't see what the big deal is!" The Emperor complained, examining the cannon's control panel. "I mean, this obviously has a safety…"

"Death Star Cannon activated." The Computer chimed, the Emperor blinking as it fired.

&

Lando's eyes widened as one of the ships leading the assault on the Death Star was destroyed. "That came from the Death Star! That thing's fully operational!"

In the Rebellion Command Ship, Admiral Akbar stared out in horror. "It's a trap!"

&

"Tarkin now has the floor…just as a reminder, if he does a sucky job, which he probably will, you should not kill him. Though, I am old, so I might forget to punish you if you do…wink wink."

Tarkin sighed, standing up. "There are a lot of dangers that office workers must be careful of. First off, sometimes it gets cool in the office. It is recommended that you bring a light jacket to put on."

"Would I be ok in a long sleeve t?" Luke asked.

"That would work."

"A sweater vest?" Bob questioned.

"Sure?"

"A hemp coat." Creed asked.

"…no…"

The Emperor stood up, waving his hands in disgust. "No no no…all wrong…just…all wrong." He glared at Tarkin. "You are boring them…get to the cool stuff."

"What is cool about unsafe things?" Asajj asked.

"Everything!" The Emperor exclaimed. "ok…for example…sometimes, uh…chairs…suddenly burst into flames."

"That is a lie." Piett said.

Tarkin continued. "Guri's baby has escaped into the air ducts." The crew looked up when they heard a giggle, followed by the sound of little feet padding above them. "Stay away from the vents, as she has been known to bite off fingers."

Bosak grumbled, standing up and making his way to the door. "Hey…hey, where are you going?" The Emperor called out.

"We're leaving," Large Ass said.

"This stupid, Emperor." Boba Fett said. "Babies and cool weather…what we do, hunting down rebels, is dangerous…this…this is pathetic."

The Emperor just stared.

&

"Boba Fett thinks he has it so rough because he is a bounty hunter." The Emperor complained. "But it isn't that tough…I worked for bounty…the, uh…paper towel guys…I was an intern one summer." 

&

"Fifteen." Luke said.

"Really…15?" Piett questioned as the looked at the large box in Asajj's hands.

"I say fifteen." Luke said stubbornly.

"30." Bob picked.

"25." Piett wagered.

"31." Cody guessed.

"Oh, don't be that guy!" Piett complained.

&

"I'm not sure how the whole gambling thing began…but it is a way to kill time." Asajj said.

&

"23…24…25…26…26 human hearts I keep under my desk." Asajj said happily. Piett held up his hand, the others paying him rather quickly.

&

"This place is dangerous, right Asajj?" The Emperor asked.

"Not right now…we threw a goat into the air duct, and Guri's baby has been busy with that for a few hours."

"I don't mean just that," The Emperor said with a sigh. "I mean…ok, think about it…we have Sith lords, murderers, killers, crime lords, assassin droids and Creed…that makes it a dangerous place…right?"

"Not really. We all kinda gave up doing really dangerous stuff. I mean, I will murder the occasional hobo…" 

The Emperor held his head in his hands.

&

"What are we to do, my master?" Vader asked.

"I don't know…we need to prove to the bounty hunters that it is dangerous up here…but no one wants to kill anyone…" He paused, looking at Vader. "Hey…you remember that large reactor pit in my throne room?" 

"You mean Emperor Kurt's new daycare center?"

The Emperor sighed. "…yeah. Listen…I have a plan…using my force powers…I think we can put on a good show."

&

Meanwhile, the entire crew was gathered around Creed's desk. Tarkin turned to the camera. "Creed is eating an apple. I have a thermal detonator." Sneaking up to Creed, Tarkin carefully switched the apple for the weapon. Creed didn't even blink as he took a bite of the bomb, chewing it carefully.

Several members of the crew groaned and handed their cash over to Xizor, Sly and Mara.

&

"I don't know the dark side as well as I thought I did." Luke commented. "I am down 300 credits."

&

"Attention crew members!" Vader called out through the intercom. "Everyone must come the throne room right now."

"You mean the day care center?" Piett asked through the intercom.

"…yes." 

"Is it cold in there?" Xizor questioned.

"Its fine."

"Would I be too warm in a long sleeve t?" Luke asked with a grin.

"JUST GET DOWN HERE!!"

&

The crew stared at the scene before them. Vader had the Emperor up in the air, holding him above the reactor core.

"Why did we build that again?" Cody questioned.

Kurt stepped forward from his throne, shaking his head. "I had put up those baby fences…but I didn't expect Vader to figure out how to open them."

"Oh…oh the pain…" The Emperor wailed, holding a hand to his head. "My apprentice has turned on me!"

Vader nodded. "That is correct…now you shall die."

"Shut up, you ignorant slut." The Emperor said dramatically. "I wish to address my crew."

"You only have a minute." Vader warned.

"What do you think the chances are that this is real?" Piett questioned.

Asajj shrugged. "A billion to 1."

"I'll take a credit on that." Bob said.

"First, to Boba Fett…who didn't…" The Emperor paused. "Where are the bounty hunters?"

"I didn't call for them." Vader said, struggling to hold the Emperor up.

"Well…send someone to get them."

Vader nodded. "Luke…go get the bounty hunters."

"I thought you were giving the Emperor one minute?" Luke questioned.

"I've…decided to wait, so that all can witness me defeating him." 

&

"Hey…Boba Fett!" Luke called out to the bounty hunters.

"Luke!" Boba Fett gasped, running over to him. "Is everything ok…did you father hurt you?" The bounty hunter gently stroked Luke's hair, much to the Jedi's horror.

"Uh…no…he wants you all to see him kill the Emperor."

"Aaaaawwww yeaaaaaah!" One of the bounty hunters called out.

&

"Oh…oh the pain…" The Emperor wailed once more, holding a hand to his head. "My apprentice has turned on me!"

Vader nodded…yet again. "That is correct…now you shall die."

"Shut up, you ignorant slut." The Emperor said dramatically.

&

"Well, they were rocky in their first performance…but now…well…I think they really found their mark." Piett grinned. "Think I might even come by tomorrow and watch is again.

"And that is why…" 

"Sorry…this is my favorite part."

&

"And thus, now my apprentice shall kill me…"

As Vader neared the railing, Asajj's eyes widened. "Piett…he's actually going to throw him."

Piett nodded. "He's going to die pretending to die."

"And Vader will be our boss."

Piett choked back some vomit that had risen in his gullet. "Emperor!" He called out quickly. "Don't…don't do this…"

"Do what, my son?" The Emperor asked.

Piett shuddered. "Don't…call me that. And don't let Vader throw you…you will die a horrible death."

"I know…but I knew this job was dangerous…"

Piett shook his head. "No…I know you are faking this…that you are going to try and use your force powers…Emperor…I all kept this a secret…but you don't have force powers anymore."

"…what?" The Emperor asked.

Asajj nodded. "We've been faking it. When you electroshock us, we just twitch, then dress up as a new crew member." She pointed to her head. "This is a bald cap." Ripping it away, Asajj revealed long, lush blond hair.

Piett nodded. "You remember that guy Lee Wong from your book club…that was me."

Bob stepped forward. "I had a sex change operation. I use to be Marge in accounting."

"Marge…the woman I slept with at the New Years party?"

Bob smiled. "You were such a tender lover."

"Oh dear God." The Emperor moaned.

"We've been using our own powers." Mara admitted.

"It is true, my master." Vader said.

The Emperor laid his head back, eyes closed. "Kill me."

"Ok." Vader said simply.

"WAIT!" The crew shouted.

"Emperor…listen…" Aurra called out. "Think…do you really want to die in that hideous outfit?"

Kurt shook his head. "Emperor…I command you to not do this."

"I'll miss you most of all…" The Emperor whispered.

Luke stepped forward. "Emperor…do it." The crew gasped in horror. "You let my dad throw you off that thing! Think of how great Heaven will be…with the flames and pitchforks…" 

"Luke, you have to save him." 

"Obi-Wan?"

The force ghost nodded. "Yes…to allow the Emperor to commit suicide is not the path of the light side of the force."

Luke leaned back. "Wait…I can't kill him…I can convince him to kill himself…how the hell am I suppose to kill him."

Obi-Wan considered this. "I suppose…it could be an accident…maybe you try and help him after he trips but you are too slow…"

"Did it ever occur to you the reason why all the Jedi are dead is that they refuse to kill people that try and kill them…hell, in the Death Star you just stood there like a bitch! Right in front of me…scarred me for life…"

Yoda appeared next to Obi-Wan. "Never consider this, we did. Fight back, we never tried."

"It is an interesting theory…" Obi-Wan admitted.

"Screw it." Luke muttered. "Dad, I'm in. Lets rule the galaxy. Kill the old man!"

Boba Fett nodded. "Damn straight my big strong man."

Everyone paused, staring at Boba Fett, before turning back to the Emperor. Finally, Piett spoke. "Emperor…dad…" he growled out, "isn't there something…anything you'd like to see before you died?"

The Emperor thought that over. "My son's wedding."

Piett and Asajj looked at each other and shrugged. "Ok…we'll get married…just have Vader set you down."

Vader nodded. "Ok." Vader moved to set the Emperor on the catwalk…

"NOT NEAR THE VENT!" Tarkin shouted.

"What?" Vader and the Emperor managed to ask, moments before Guri's robot baby burst from the air vent, biting down on the Emperor's butt and sending all three of them into the reactor.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

"…we're ok!""


	24. Episode XXIV: Empire Closing

Piett glared at the wedding dress the Emperor was holding out

Piett glared at the wedding dress the Emperor was holding out.

"I'm not wearing that."

"But it is tradition…Please?"

"No." 

"…please?"

&

"Asajj and I are getting married." Piett said. "This is the happiest day of my life…or would be if the Emperor didn't keep trying to ruin it…" 

&

The Emperor grinned as he saw Kurt enter with a thick folder. "Kurt…the grand Super Emperor. My protégée, my boss…my friend. What can I do…"

"I've decided to surrender to the Rebels."

"…say that again?" The Emperor asked.

"We're surrendering." Kurt laid the folder out. "I've been doing the math since I took over…its much more cost effective to give up, let them establish the Republic and have use gracefully leave…before they blow up another Death Star."

The Emperor took a deep breath.

&

Luke looked up from the shuttle he had stolen. "That is the loudest scream I've ever heard."

&

Kurt shook his leg. "Let go!"

The Emperor clung tighter. "Noooooo!" He whined, pressing Kurt's calf to his cheek. "Don't do this…" 

"Emperor…it is done. I'm going to meet with the Alliance to give them the news."

"no…no no no!" The Emperor screamed as Kurt finally dislodged him, the rest of the crew staring at him. "NO!"

&

"When you are with someone a long time…you learn to read their moods." Vader said. "Right now…the Emperor is happy….right?"

&

Asajj looked over the wedding dress. "You'll look so pretty in this."

Piett rolled his eyes. "Ha ha ha." 

"So, what do you think your dad was screaming about?"

Piett glared at her. "The Emperor…was yelling about nothing."

"I have some news." The Emperor called out, entering the bullpen. "We're screwed. The Empire is surrendering."

"You shouldn't be talking about this…" Tarkin said.

"You knew." The Emperor snarled. "Traitor!"

&

"I knew it." Cody said with a sigh. "I just knew this would happen. Stupid Order 66…"

&

Aurra wiped her mascara as it ran down her face. "If I never see Kurt again, I will kill myself!"

&

Xiza, Xizor's daughter, was also crying. "If I never see Kurt again, I will kill myself!"

&

The Emperor sobbed. "If I never see Kurt again…"

&

"So, is this a good thing or a bad thing for the wedding?" Asajj asked.

"I can see it both ways. On one hand, we are poor." Piett said.

"True."

"On the other, if we decide to wait or not invite the Emperor, and he kills himself, Vader isn't our boss."

Asajj nodded. "Kinda balance each other out."

&

"And so that is the plan." Kurt finished his presentation, watching as the Rebel Leaders thought over his proposal. "The Empire surrenders to you. We move our offices out of the Death Star and you take it over. Several crew members will stay on to help ease the transition, the rest are given severance packages."

"And what of you, Grand Commander of the Empire?"

Kurt shrugged. "I get a desk job. I already have a ton of money. Whatever I do now is just for my own pleasure. However, I can only assume that you…" He waved a hand at Mon Montha, "will be handling that." 

"Kurt…" Mon began.

"You don't have to worry about the Emperor…he's powerless. Vader…well, lets just say that the image he conveys isn't who he truly is." Kurt shrugged. "There are several crew members that will join willingly, as long as we allow them to engage in more…violent parts of the job. Asajj, Bob Ruby…Firmus Piett if we keep Leia away from him…Guri…but not her robot baby!"

"Robot baby?" One rebel questioned.

Kurt held up his robotic hand. "How I ended up with this number."

"Kurt…" Mon tried again.

"It will all work out. Really." Kurt grinned. "The Empire will fall, you guys will take control, I get a vacation, and Mon, you'll…"

"…not be here."

Kurt blinked, as did other members of the Alliance. "Wait…what?"

Mon Montha sighed. "I've just accepted a new position this morning…I am going to a small galaxy called the Milky Way to work as a Vice President."

"…what?" All of them asked.

"I know this is confusing…"

"We are offering you the chancellorship…" Kurt tried to reason, "and you want to be a Vice President?! To who?"

"Barrack Obama."

"ooooooh."

"That makes sense."

"Lucky bitch."

&

"So, have you selected a domicile to accommodate your rite of amalgamation?" Guri asked Asajj and Piett.

"Huh?" Both of them questioned.

"Where are you holding the wedding?" Xizor translated.

"Ah." Both said.

"It better not be at the Corillian Four Seasons," Xizor warned, "because that's where my little girl is marrying Kurt."

"Little?" Mara questioned from where she sat.

Xizor slowly turned towards Mara, eyes narrowed.

"…hit the deck!" Cody cried out.

&

Kurt rubbed his head. "Mon…this entire surrender thing was structured around having YOU be in control. And now, you are telling me that you don't want to be a chancellor?"

Mon sighed. "Have you heard Barrack speak?"

"We all agree Barrack is wonderful," Admiral Akbar said. "But…" 

"No butts…goodbye gentlemen." Mon grabbed her briefcase and left the room.

"So…" one rebel leader finally said, "who do we put in charge now?"

&

Vader frowned, patting his waist. "Where is my lightsaber…PIETT!"

Piett looked up from where he was watching Mara and Xizor try and kill each other. "Yes'um?"

"Where is it?"

"Where is what?" 

"You know what you took from me."

"I've taken a lot of things that were yours: your dignity, your self-respect, your standing with the people in this office. I, however, did not take your virginity. That was all your mom."

"I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH MY MOTHER!" Vader roared, stomping towards Piett. "NOW, WHERE IS MY LIGHTSABER!?"

"How should I know?" Piett asked.

Vader leaned in close. "Because you always take my lightsaber."

"What about Guri's creepy robot-baby…she took it that one time."

Vader shook his head. "She is not present. I have sent her to another Star Destroyer. Now, I ask one final time…where is my lightsaber. Tell me…" Vader held out his hand, "or you join so many other of the Imperial Officers that stood between me and what I desi…"

The buzz of a lightsaber forced Vader to pause.

"You want to mess with my man, Anakin Skybitch?" She smirked. "Then you and I get to play."

Vader snarled and turned on his own saber.

&

"What about…Bail Organa…" Kurt sighed. "Oh yeah, dead. Or what about Mas Amedda?"

"Dead."

"Toyul Gi?"

"Dead."

"Torin Gooru?"

"Retired, lives on a beet farm." Akbar said. "That's the last one…there are no more members of the old Republic Senate left."

"And without a member from the old system, we have no way to ensure we are doing things right…no since all the history books about the Republic were destroyed." Kurt held his head in his hands.

"Uh…Kurt…there is…one person left."

"Who?" Kurt asked, before he began to slowly back away. "No…not…anything but…"

&

"Fifteen bucks." Creed said, handing the lightsaber over to the portly man.

"Thank you…so very much. This weapon…will be the perfect thing…to help me defeat…the dreaded Klingons."

"No problem, Captain Kirk." Creed counted out the money happily.

&

Kurt looked on the chaos that was the main office of the Death Star in shock. Asajj and Vader were engaged in a duel, Piett throwing staplers at the Sith Lord to try and help his girlfriend. Mara and Xizor were throttling each other, while Cody and Bob bet on who would win. Guri was searching for her robo-baby, while Sly and Aurra traded insults over who was fatter. Creed was counting money, and Tarkin and the Emperor were merely watching everything go to hell.

"What…what is going on?"

"He told them about the surrender." Tarkin said simply.

"It's true." The Emperor smiled sadly. "They are saying goodbye to one another…"

Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm sure there is a better way to do this, but I am too tired to care. Emperor, Mon Montha quit the Alliance, which means the Alliance has no members of the old Republic to oversee the transfer of the Empire back into the Galactic Republic…and the only one who served in the Senate from the Empire…is you."

The Emperor blinked. "Wait…you mean…" The others paused, listening in with interest.

"Yes…we have decided…" Kurt shuddered, "to name you Chancellor of the New Republic." 

"…aw….yeah!" The Emperor leapt up, pumping his arms. "Go Palpy, it's your bif'day…go Palpy, it's your bif'day…"

&

On the forest moon of Endor, the Rebellion was partying hard with the Ewoks. Several of the pilots were drinking the fruity mixtures the furry creatures had made, while others danced about happily. They had witnessed hours ago the Death Star's explosion, and now it was time to celebrate.

Luke ran up the Leia, holding her tight. "What happened up there?" She whispered.

Luke paused. "Uh…our father killed the Emperor, then he died. The end."

"Really? That seems like a short story."

Luke shrugged.

However, before Leia could question Luke's version of what had happened, Han was signaling for them to join the rest of their friends for a picture one of the pilots was taking. Leia ran instantly to her boyfriend, but Luke stayed back, smiling at the ghostly images of Obi-Wan and Yoda. Grinning, he ran over to join the picture, the music reaching a fevered pitch…

"Hey wait…who is that?" The cameraman asked.

Creed grinned. "Hey guys."

The music stopped dead as the crew of the Death Star entered the clearing. Blasters were drawn, and the Imperials looked around nervously.

"Oh boy…" Bob whispered.

"Governor Tarkin…" Leia snarled. "And…the Emperor? And Xizor…oh, hello Piett."

"Eep." Peitt whispered.

"And…Darth Vader?" Leia turned on Luke. "I thought you said our father had died!"

"Hi baby girl." Vader said sheepishly.

"He died emotionally …years ago." Piett quipped.

Kurt sighed, rubbing the back of his head. "Ok, so here's the thing…the Empire surrendered to the Rebellion." Cheers rose throughout the Rebel camp. "But Mon Montha quit, and the Rebels elected the Emperor the new Chancellor."

….

"I…I need to sit down." Leia mumbled.

"What does this mean?" Han asked.

"It means I'm your new boss!" The Emperor said happily. "First order of business, I'm thinking about changing the name of Chancellor to Emperor…just rings better."

Lando groaned. "I need to get a drink…a drink of Smitz Malt Liquor…always good when your life is ruined."

"Wait a minute…" Leia shouted, pointing a finger at the crew, "you expect us just to go along with this?" 

"We could say the same thing, hussy." Asajj snarled.

"A lot of you I could handle…but I will not be around Vader." Leia stuck her nose up. "I just know he is the reason my mother disappeared."

"It…was my fault, Leia." Vader said softly. "I…killed her…the greatest mistake I ever made…"

"You're wrong, Vader."

The groups turned as one, shocked at the newcomer.

"Boba Fett?" Han questioned.

"Boba Fett?" Kurt whispered.

"Someone protect my ass!" The Emperor cried.

Boba Fett nodded, turning to Luke and Leia. "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your mother, did he?"

"He didn't have to…Vader just said he killed her." Leia said.

Luke nodded. "Its true."

"It is…I choked her good." Vader said happily, before turning to his children. "I'm so sorry." He turned to Boba Fett. "I choked the shit out of her." Once more to his children. "Soooo sorry."

"No Luke…I am your mother."

And with that, Boba Fett removed the famous helmet, revealing Padme's famous face, her long brown longs cascading down.

"Padme?" Vader whispered.

"Mom?" Luke and Leia whispered.

"Wait…Padme was raping you Emperor?" Xizor asked. He snorted. "This is too funny." 

"Of course I was raping him." Padme scoffed. "I get so turned on when I see weak, pitiful creatures. That's why I was attracted to your father…until he became a strong Sith, then he became unappealing. The Emperor too…" Padme's eyes lit up as she walked over to C-3P0. "Hello tall, gold and wussy."

"Oh my." 

&

Meanwhile, on a Star Destroyer…

General Thrawn looked at the Imperial Forces before him. The blue skinned alien sighed, before lifting his chin up. "My friends…the Emperor is reported dead, as is Lord Vader and the crew of the Death Star…save one…" he waved his hand to a chair. "behold…the new Empress!" 

The Imperials bowed to the chair, where, dressed in a fine black dress, Guri's robo-baby stared out at them all, a small scepter/rattle in her hand.

The baby cooed.

"The Empress demands breast milk!"

&

Author's Note: Thus ends Season 3 of "The Death Star". The story is complete, though I do have ideas for a fourth season. However, at this point, I am letting the story rest for a while.

But don't fear…for a new work is already posted on …

"You ever see a former Jedi and wonder why his life sucks? Well…that's me. I use to be bad, till one day I found a new faith: Karma. So I began to write a list of all the bad things I'd done, and one by one I'm checking them off as I make them up. I'm just trying to be a better person"

_**MY NAME IS ANAKIN**_

_**A new parody by Mr. Chaos**_


	25. Episode XXV: The Carpet

Author's Note: I have recently discovered that some authors are stealing my work and claiming it as their own. The current one I am dealing with is a reader with the screenname bit!, who not only posted the first chapter of this story on a website, he then explained how he is writing it. Please, do not do this. If you want to post this story, ask for permission...I almost always say yes if you include that I wrote it. Thank you.

* * *

"Well…we're back!" The Emperor laughed as he showed the cameraman around the Chancellor pod. They were currently in the Senate Building, the sound of construction crews hurrying to bring the building back to snuff ringing in the distance. "Man…does this place bring back memories…right over there, there was this hot little Senator I always tried to bed. And that pod? I threw that at Yoda….sigh, good times."

The Emperor continued to show of his pod, waving his hands about happily.

"As you know, the rebels won…we signed a truce…and they made me chancellor, which is great. I have decided on making a few changes. First, I'm going to rename the Chancellor the Emperor…just rings better. And I'm thinking of commissioning a clone army…" He paused, smiling. "All and all though…I think people are handling the change well."

&

"No Leia!" Han shouted, him and Luke trying to pull the gun from her mouth. "Its not worth it!"

"I don't want to live!" She wailed.

&

"Well,Hello Asaij, Meeaj, Banana Fanana Fo Faj." The Emperor said happily, entering the new office. "Getting use to your new desk?"

"This is my old desk…remember, you had it shipped here to save money."

"…yes…yes I did…saved money…"

"Actually, it would have been cheaper…"

"Yup, I am so smart…" The Emperor sang as he walked into his office…and instantly backed out. "Dear God."

"What?" Asajj asked.

"There is a dead hooker in my office." The Emperor held his nose. "And I think she's been there for a while."

"Are you…" Asajj took one sniff and grimaced. "Yup, that is week old dead hooker stink."

"How do you think this happened?" The Emperor asked.

"I bet someone killed her." Bob said.

"…I meant how did she get in my office." The Emperor said, annoyed.

&

"I tell ya…I have seen some disgusting things…I've seen the Emperor naked…but that hooker…" Asajj shuddered.

"Wait, you've seen the Emperor naked?" Piett asked, smiling slightly.

"It wasn't like that!" Asajj cried out.

Piett grinned. "Do you imagine him when we do it?"

"EW! EWEWEWEWEW!"

&

"Hey kid, what is going on?" Han asked Kurt. As part of the deal of bringing in the Emperor's crew, the rebels had assigned Han, Luke and Leia to watch the group.

"Not much. Filing some reports, crunching numbers, the Emperor found a dead hooker, oh, and we have bowling tomorrow."

"Dear God." Luke whispered.

Han nodded. "I know…I thought bowling was on Wednesday."

&

Han shrugged. "I'm a scruffy looking space captain that likes to drink…I've seen plenty of dead hookers."

&

The Emperor watched as C-3PO cleaned the carpets, the droid using R2 as a wetvac. "Think they are getting it all up?" The Emperor asked.

Vader shook his head. "no…infact, I would say they just ground the smell into the carpet…it will never come out now." He sighed. "I should have made my mother a toaster."

"Hey, I was always wondering…if you could make a droid and race pods, why not make a device to remove your slave chips so you and your mother could escape?"

Vader turned to stare at the Emperor. "….."

&

"Yeah, I heard about the dead hooker." Xizor said drolly. "I have five dollars the Emperor did that last Friday and forgot."

&

"Did I do that?" Piett asked. "no…my style is more of pranks that don't involve strangling whores with their own panties."

&

"No I didn't do it, and I don't care what Piett says!" Vader snarled. He paused. "Damn it, why didn't I figure out a way to take out our slave chips?"

"Because you're and idiot?" Obi-Wan's blue ghost questioned.

"SHUT UP OLD MAN!"

&

"Hey…Emperor." Luke said uneasily, noticing the old man seated at his desk. "What are you doing here?"

"I've decided that while the droids clean my office, you and I are going to be desk buddies, my young apprentice."

"I'm not your apprentice." Luke said sternly. But when the Emperor gave him sad puppy dog eyes, he sighed. "Fine, we can be desk buddies. I'll get a chair."

"No need, just sit on my lap."

&

"Its been hard…adjusting." Padme said, still dressed in the Boba Fett armor. "I mean, suddenly Ani…"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Vader roared from outside the conference room. "MAYBE I TURNED TO THE DARK SIDE BECAUSE YOU KEPT CALLING ME THAT STUPID NAME!"

"…suddenly Ani is wanting to get back together, which makes sense, what with both of us being confined to suits to live…but now my children are here…and I really want a good relationship, you know?"

&

Leia and Padme sat in stony silence, twiddling their thumbs.

"So…you look a lot different." Padme said finally. "You know…from the last time I saw you?"

"When was that…when you froze my boyfriend or when you gave me away 20 seconds after I popped out of the womb?" Leia snapped.

"…both." Padme admitted. "So…uh…hey, did you know that the Sarlac likes to be tickled?"

"Yes, I did." Leia said. "I learned it in school."

"Oh, so you went to school?"

"…yes, my father, Bail, took me."

Padme nodded. "How is Bail?"

"Vader killed him."

Padme nodded. "Your father does like killing things." They sat there for a few more minutes. "So…you and Han, huh?"

"Yeah." Leia smiled slightly. "Its going great."

"He is really pretty."

"That he is."

"Think he would be interested in a 3-way?"

"And we're done." Leia said, standing up.

"What? A mother can't take interest in her children?"

&

"This is great, you know…being back out here." The Emperor told Vader. "I use to sit at this desk…way back when."

"Did you force Jedi Masters to sit on your lap?" Luke grumbled.

"Well, one time with Yoda…"

"Who was your boss?" Vader asked.

The Emperor thought about this. "I guess the only boss I ever had was Darth Plaugerus."

&

"Plaugerus. Horrible man…hated him." The Emperor said. "Did you know he wasn't named after plagues? He was named after the fact that he plagiarized people. Its true, he use to be a writer that would take Sci-Fi movies, combine them with NBC shows, and then claim credit for all the humor that was created…horrible…horrible man." The Emperor paused, turning to the camera. "But he was very hanesome and smart." The Emperor forced a smile.

&

Guri looked at Creed, who had a saw in hand. "What are you doing?"

"I'm making a wine celler next to my desk…I have to remove the 4th wall though to do it."

"Shouldn't we keep the fourth wall?" Guri asked. "It is the only thing keeping everything together."

Creed shrugged and kept sawing.

&

"I can't believe your mother asked you that!" Han exclaimed.

"I know…she isn't anything I expected." Leia said.

"I know…her boobs are huge."

"…what?"

Han shrugged. "Well, I mean, look at you. Ya got ok knockers, but your mom….damn!" Han grinned. "And lets face it, your ass is nothing to write home about, but you could write the letter to home on your mother's ass."

Leia slowly narrowed her eyes. "Daddy!"

Vader was instantly at Leia's side. "Did you call me daddy? Oh, have you finally accepted me?"

"I will if you beat him up."

"OK!" Vader said happily.

Han trembled.

&

"How's it coming?" The Emperor asked.

"Oh, well quite well sir." C-3PO said happily. "R2 and I am almost done…only a few more hours. We also took the liberty to contact the stormtroopers."

"…what?"

"Yes, they are very interested in finding outwhy you killed a hooker."

"I didn't kill her!"

"Then why was she in your office?" Piett asked.

"Because someone put her there."

"Someone as in you?"

"no, not me."

"I know they didn't put you in the office, they put the hooker you killed in the office."

"Right…I mean…" The Emperor groaned.

&

"You know, I use to kill a lot of people…but right now, I need to take it easy…I can't be hauled to jail…I can't be…I won't be able to hold onto the soap." The Emperor whimpered. "Someone…someone is setting me up…I don't know what to do…"

&

"Luke…Luke…" Han gasped, dragging his broken body towards his friend.

"Han!" Luke ran up to his friend. "What happened to you?"

"Luke…your sister…is one….mean bitch…" Han groaned. "Always…compliment her boobs."

&

"Do you remember Darth Plaugerus?" The Emperor asked Creed.

"Of course. He's my dad."

"What?"

"Nothing." Creed said quickly.

"My biggest fear is becoming like him…someone that is tricked out of being the master of the sith."

"My biggest fear is that they'll make a sequel to The Notebook."

The Emperor sighed. "I just don't know what to do?"

"They say swimming is the best exercise." The Emperor stared at Creed. "I'm really high right now."

"Ah."

&

"Uh, Leia?" Luke said uneasily. "I'm a bit…concerned."

"About what?" Leia asked.

"That what with everything that happened, and the fact that you and mother aren't getting along…you might be developing too strong of a connection to our father."

The camera panned over to reveal Leia wearing a black leather outfit, her eyes sith yellow as she worked on a replica of Vader's lightsaber.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

"Uh…that's super…"

"Compliment her boobs!" The ghostly image of Han echoed.

"Uh…your boobs look nice?"

Leia stared at Luke hard, while, around a corner, Piett and Asajj turned off the hologram machine that had made the ghostly Han image. The two grinned.

&

"Hello Plaugerus." The Emperor said, greeting the old Sith Lord behind a dumpster.

"Hey Pap-smear." Plaugerus taunted.

"You're mad at me." The Emperor said.

"Why would I be mad at you…just because you never had the balls to kill me…because you decided it would be easier to trick me into thinking we were going to the park and instead you dropped me off on some farm! Didn't you hear me howling?"

"Yeah…well…listen, I was wondering…how did you deal with that? Because someone left a dead hooker in my office."

"Deal with it?" Plaugerus snarled. "I dealt with itby plotting your death!" He took out his lightsaber. "Come on…finally grow a pair and kill me like you're suppose to."

"Uh…" The Emperor said, before spotting some stormtroopers. "He killed the hooker."

"Arrest him!"

&

"So what did we learn?" The Emperor said. "Uh…nothing, really…" He stared awkwardly at the camera.

&Later that Night&

Chewie looked around the office in frustration. "Now where did I leave my hooker?" He muttered.


	26. Episode XXVI: Grief

"Why do I have to do it

"Why do I have to do it?" Han complained.

"Because the Emperor doesn't speak Wookie and he creeps me out." Luke stated calmly.

"What about Goldenrod?"

Luke frowned. "They went to a conference…no clue what its about." 

&

C-3PO looked up from his notes. "So what do we do after we eat the humans' faces?"

Guri's robot-baby cooed.

&

"What about Leia?" Han asked.

"You want to be the one to ask her?" Luke questioned.

Han grimaced. "I'll do it."

&

"Han, Han Solo!" The Emperor said, grinning happily from his desk. "No no, the rest of the band can be quiet, Han will be going Solo tonight…"

"Like I haven't heard those jokes before." Han muttered.

"Han…Hanareno…making copies…like from SNL, remember?"

Han took out a flask and took a shot. "Emperor, we just got this transmission from the stormtroopers. We've lost Darth Plaguerus."

"Oh…well, I'll send a squad to find him."

"No, I mean he has passed on."

The Emperor frowned. "Passed on what? My movie script? Did he pass on Clerks.? Did he bother reading it?"

"No, I mean he is gone."

"As in vanished?"

"He (CENSORED) died, Emperor."

"…he died while (CENSORED)?"

&

"Attention, everyone!" The Emperor called out, the crew turning to stare at him. "I just received word that my old Master, Darth Plaugarus died."

Everyone was silent.

"Well…aren't you going to say something?" The Emperor questioned.

"We're not sure what to say." Mara finally answered. "You said he was a bad person, but you also kinda liked him…"

The Emperor thought that over. "What is the name for that emotion? Haporsad?"

&

"That is what they call the 'and' symbol." Creed said.

&

Piett frowned as he leaned over towards Asajj. "So, I have a question of grave importance."

"And what is that?" Asajj asked.

"At our wedding, do we invite Vader." 

Asajj frowned. "Why would we want the man we both hate there?"

"Because then we don't have to hire entertainment." Piett said with a grin.

Asajj held out her hands. "Have to see Vader on the happiest day of my life…get to torment Vader and make it the happiest day of my life." The pale woman nodded. "it is a pickle." She considered this for several more moments. "I think we should ignore all our other tasks and focus on this."

"That might be hard…" Piett tossed a folder away. "What do you know, I was wrong!"

&

"This must have you thinking…" The Emperor said to Creed.

"Why is that?"

"You know, about how as we all get older, we get closer to dying…"

"Plagurus had his balls ripped off."

"…what?"

Creed nodded. "He resisted the stormtroopers, so one of them reached down to grab him, and ripped his genitals clear off. He began to scream and run around and then he fell down a flight of stairs. He bled out…poor bugger."

"A slow, painful death." Vader nodded in agreement. "I like him already, much better that you, Emperor."

The Emperor sat still. His face…well, it was paler than normal.

&

"That's how I wanted to kill him!" The Emperor complained. "I had it all planned out…I thought there would be time…now…" He sat still, his face going slack. "You…just think you have enough time to do everything you want…to kill everyone you want to…then some clones step in and kill your master before you can…it really makes you think."

&

The Emperor cleared his throat as he entered the main part of the office. "I'm not sure how to say this…"

"Plagurus' balls were ripped off." Vader said. When the Emperor glared at him, Vader shrugged. "You said…"

&

"Luke."

Luke leapt 2 feet in the air, startled by Leia's sudden appearance. He turned to his sister, who was still dressed a black leather top and skirt, with dominatrix boots adorning her feet. "Uh…hey sis…" He said nervously.

"When I die, I want you to remove all my damaged body parts and put me in a life-sustaining suit. I drew a picture of it."

Luke took the piece of paper from her. "This is a picture of our father with your had pasted over his." 

Leia snatched up the photo. "You are no fun!" She snarled.

&

"So my mother turned out to be a big disappointment!" Leia complained. "Big deal…its not like is the only reason I decided to get to know my father! And even if it is, that doesn't mean I'm crazy, right?" She glared at the camera man. "Right?" Her hand shot out, the cameraman gurgling as his throat snapped shut. The camera hit the floor, getting a shot of Leia's feet. "Apology accepted."

&

"I don't understand, Luke…" The Emperor said, staring at a photo of his old master. He slowly took a pencil and drilled a hole in the image of his master's groin. "We have a day celebrating the birth of Christ but he didn't even work here."

"Yes he did." Vader said. "That guy down in the warehouse." 

"That was your wife."

"oh, right….well, she was an angel."

"no." Luke said. "Mom is just a woman with a kink for raping men." 

"And how." The Emperor muttered.

&

Asajj held up the list. "Pro: We can make Vader the flower girl."

"Con: His breathing will make it hard to hear the minister." Piett looked down the list. "Pro: we can convince children he is a clown and watch him freak out."

"Con: He will bore us by talking about how they get married on PlanetSith or wherever the hell he is from." She glanced at her list. "Pro: The very idea of him buying us a gift."

"Con: The very idea of him buying us a gift." The two chuckled before Piett continued. "Pro: Watching him sit alone as Padme dances with people."

"Con: He might want to do the dollar dance with me."

"Con: He might want to do the dollar dance with ME." Piett and Asajj shuddered before bursting into laughter.

&

"Ok…you people are not feeling my pain." The Emperor said. "As such, we are going to play a game. I will toss this beating heart to someone…" he held up the heart, "and whoever catches it must tell us about someone they lost."

The Emperor threw the heart to Xizor, who tossed it back. "no thanks."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

The Emperor nodded, tossing the heart to Piett.

"Ok…so this one time, I was traveling through Texas with my friend Ando, when I met this really pretty girl named Charlie." Piett smiled slightly, remembering the event fondly. "And I thought I really hit it off with her…then this guy, named Sylar, cut off the top of her head and ate her brain."

Asajj licked her lips. "You're making me hungry…are you going to eat that heart?"

Piett shrugged, handing it over. "There ya go, baby."

The Emperor groaned.

&

"These people just don't get it…" The Emperor complained. "The guy I wanted to kill but didn't kill was killed by guys that like to kill people I want to kill but don't have time to kill, only they shouldn't have killed him."

&

"I want you people to take this seriously." The Emperor complained. "This isn't a game."

"You're the one that handed out snacks." Asajj said, finishing off the heart.

Tarkin slowly walked over to the Emperor, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Emperor, I understand you are feeling bad. But you have to realize that just because you are in mourning doesn't mean the rest of us are in mourning." He sighed. "I mean, we're not mourning the cameraman Leia killed…"

"Leia killed a cameraman?" The Emperor exclaimed. "NOOOOO!"

&

"Now who will film me doing all my amazing things…well, other than you and the twenty other cameramen?" The Emperor complained.

&

"Attention, everyone!" The Emperor called out. "Today at 4, we will be having a funeral for this cameraman." The Emperor waved at the dead body of the cameraman, his face twisted in horror.

"I have a lot of work to do today…" Sly complained.

"You know who wishes he could do work? The cameraman." 

"Actually, I think working is what killed him." Luke pointed out.

&

"So, my baby girl killed a man." Padme said simply. She pondered this fact for a moment. "What kind of conversation does one have here? Is it like the birds and bees talk, or more of a "Oh, you ran over the neighbor's cat?" talk?"

&

The Emperor entered the breakroom to find Vader holding out his hand, using the force to try and cram the dead cameraman into a milk crate.

"What are you doing?!" The Emperor screamed. He pointed to Vader's left. "That's the milk crate I want him in, not this one!"

&

"Its my favorite." The Emperor hugged the crate tightly.

&

The crew stood in the hanger, all looking at the crushed body of the cameraman. "So…would anyone like to say anything?" The Emperor said quietly.

The crew remained silent.

Finally, Asajj stepped forward. "Piett and I would." She cleared her throat. "We are here to bury this cameraman…now, you might say we don't know a lot about him…"

"I would say that." Piett stated.

"But we know he was a tall man. And…" Asajj took out the man's wallet. "According to this, he is an organ donor. If only Vader hadn't crushed them all."

"And we know how he died." Piett said. "Strangled by Leia. But, I think if he were here today, I would tell him, "Run bitch, run for your life!""

The Emperor sniffed. "That is beautiful. Vader?" 

Vader began to plan "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes as Creed and Xizor loaded the cameraman into what looked like a sunglasses case.

"Of all the cameramen I knew…" The Emperor said, doing his best William Shatner impression, "he was the most…..human…."

And with that, they fired the cameraman into space.

&

"What do you mean, they got rid of his body?!" The widow of the cameraman sobbed.


	27. Episode XXVII: Initiation

"So, tell us why you missed the Senate meeting yesterday

Author's Note: I think I truly push the limit on this one. Note, if you are offended by the word 'whore' stop reading because it comes up a lot. Of course, considering what I've done already, if you are still reading this fic after I dealt with killer babies and Padme raping the Emperor, you are probably going to Hell anyway, so might as well make the trip go faster.

&

"So, tell us why you missed the Senate meeting yesterday." One of the former rebel leaders said.

"I was in an important meeting…very important." The Emperor said happily.

"Is that where you got the Chuck E. Cheese shirt?"

The Emperor looked down at his shirt. "Uh…" 

&

"It was an important meeting!" He complained. "Guri's robo baby took over the Empire…I tried to set up truce talks, we ended up playing skee ball"

&

"Palpatine, we made you Chancellor…"

"Emperor."

"…because we thought you could do the job. Begin doing it…or we will find someone that can."

The man stormed out of the office and marched over to Padme and Luke. "Hello, how is the family?"

"Leia went insane." Luke stated.

"She and Vader are trying to turn Luke evil. Now, I don't see the problem, as I enjoy being evil myself…" Padme said.

"That's nice." The rebel leader said, cutting them off. "I need you to record everything the Emperor does today, ok?"

"Uh…"

&

"Are you excited, Captain Solo?" Vader asked.

"Sure."

"Very excited?" Vader questioned.

Han gave him a sour look.

"Just sort of excited? That works." 

&

"I'm not getting any older, and I need to find a woman that will be willing to (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) with a game controller. And I mean…look around…the only available women are the robot, the drunk, and Leia…I can't be picky with Leia just because she's gone nuts. I need to commit or go gay." The Camera panned over to reveal Chewie watch Han with interest through a window. "So…I asked Vader to take me on one of his missions…"

&

"I am very excited." Vader said, practically bouncing in his seat. "Captain Solo knows my son…if I can turn him, he'll help me turn Luke." Vader nodded happily. "Oh, I am very excited."

&

"So…I assume I'm just going to stand back and watch you kill things with your lightsaber?" Han asked, noticing they were no were near Ord Mendel. "Uh…where are we? What about the mission?"

Vader turned to him as he set the tie fighter down in a field. "When you are ready, the mission will appear to you."

&

"It's this or be gay. It's this or be gay. It's this of be gay…" Han repeated.

&

The Emperor looked at Guri's robo-baby. "We need to decide upon a truce, ok?"

"Squee?" The baby cooed, holding up a shrunken head that resembled the Emperor.

"No, I don't think I would enjoy it."

The robo-baby clapped her hands.

"I'm serious…"

&

Luke held up his log of the Emperor's activities, the first entry reading, "Argued with an infant"

&

"Do you know where we are?" Vader asked, looking around the dusty, sandy farm.

"I'm guessing not Vegas, as I don't see anything fun."

Vader held out his hand. "In my hand I have a cricket…"

Han reached out and took it. "There, happy?" 

"Actually, no. That is a poisonous cricket…I was going to warn you never to touch one."

Han licked his lips, stomach rumbling unhappily.

&

Leia frowned, looking down at her chair. "My chair is wobbling. Piett, give me yours."

Piett looked at the camera, then at Leia. "No…don't think I will."

Leia waved her hand. "You will give me your chair."

"The Jedi Mind Trick doesn't work if you are a) a sith, and b) not even a sith."

Leia frowned. "Give me the chair…or I will…"

BZZZZZZ

"You'll what?" Asajj asked, holding her lightsaber at Leia's throat.

"…nothing." She squeaked.

&

"Attention, Senators. Lobbyists for The World's Oldest Profession will be giving out free whores in the lobby. If anyone would like to ruin their careers…"

The Emperor and Xizor looked at each other and darted for the door.

&

"Once a year, The World's Oldest Profession Lobby brings free whores for everyone." Luke said. "its not that big of deal…well, for some people it is." He paused. "I wonder if they did this in the Old Senate? Hey mom." Luke looked around, noticing his mother as gone. "Mom?"

&

Xizor, The Emperor and Padme all stood happily in line, waiting for their turn.

&

"I wake up in a bed that is too small, drive a star cruiser that is too old, work for a man that is too dumb, but on free whore day…" Xizor grinned, "Well…I like free whore day."

&

"Are you done throwing up?" Vader asked.

Han nodded weakly.

"Well, while you clean up, I'm going to get something out of my Tie Fighter…" Vader giggled like a schoolgirl as he ran off.

"He's going to ditch me, isn't he?" Han asked. The sound of engines filled the air. "Yup."

&

Leia glared at the back of Piett's head. "You'll have to get up some time."

"Already have that covered." Piett said, waving to Asajj, who brought over Guri's robo-baby. "Stay." He turned to Leia. "Don't feed it and don't get it wet."

"Isn't that the rule for not getting gremlins?"

"Works here too."

&

"You know, maybe being gay wouldn't be so bad." Han muttered, walking towards a moisture farm barn. "Find a guy my size and I double my wardrobe…and I've done chicks that look like dudes…"

Vader emerged from the barn. "Well done, Captain Solo. You have survived the long lonely walk. Welcome…the Vader Farms!"

Han groaned.

&

Leia began to lean back in her chair, making it bang against the floor. Piett was still at his desk, feeding Guri's robo-baby a cookie. Leia ground her teeth together, banging on the floor harder.

"Sing with me, sing for the years. Sing for the love and sing for the tears." Piett sang.

"Stop it." Leia said instantly.

"Sing with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good lord will take ya away…"

Leia groaned. "Please, stop…I'll never bring this up again…I'll have that song stuck in my head all day!"

"Dream on, dream on, dream on, dream until your dream come true!" Piett sang.

Asajj instantly joined in. ""Dream on, dream on, dream on, dream until your dream come…true!"

Leia banged her head against the desk.

"DREAM ON…DREAM ON!" Luke screeched. "DREAM ON! DREAM ON! DREAM ON! DREAM ON! DREAM ON! AAAAAAAAAAA!"

&

Luke grinned. "Payback is a bitch, sis." He paused, looking around. "Where is the Emperor?"

&

"Hi!" The Emperor said to the Lobbyist. "Please tell me you have a free whore left."

"Oh, there is never a shortage of whores."

"Thank Jehovah for that." The Emperor said. "What do we have?"

"Well, we have big breasted whores, big butt whores, whores that are pregnant, whores who wear socks, whores who have been with a fox, whores like it on a goat, whores that like it on a boat, whores that like it on a train, whores that like it in the rain, whores that eat green eggs and ham, and even whores that like Sam-I-Am."

The Emperor thought this over. "Any way to have…all of those things?" 

"Oh, I'm sorry, Padme no longer works for us."

&

Padme shrugged. "I needed money to buy pot." She paused. "oh, I was a hooker and the pot thing offends you? What the (CENSORED) is wrong with you?!"

&

"Please be seated." Vader said, guiding Han to a chair.

"You know…the last time we did this, you tortured me…could we not do that again?" 

Vader turned to Jar Jar, who was holding a pair of jumper cables. "Never mind."

&

BANG BANG BANG…

Luke stared at the door to the Emperor's office. "I…think I'll wait till later…"

"…Sh…sh…shazam!" The Emperor cried out.

Piett and Asajj looked at each other, growing ill. "No chair is worth this." Piett muttered, leaping towards the bathroom. Leia smiled…until she too ran to go throw up.

&

Han sighed. "Are we ready to finally perform the mission." 

Vader nodded, steering the Tie Fighter towards Ord Mendel. "Of course." He touched a button. "You may fire when ready."

Han's eyes widened as several Super Star Destroyers blew up Ord Mendel.

"Problem solved." Vader said happily.

&

The Emperor finally entered the conference room, his robes wrinkled and on backwards. "Ok little silver baby…what can we give you so you'll call off your Empire?" 

"Squee!" The baby giggled.

"You want my whore? Sure, take her…why buy the milk when sex with a cow is free?"

&

Han and Vader sat in a bar, drinking several shots.

"This is your life now, Han…my daughter loves you, and she wants to be with you. Now, I could have let you dump her in the past, but now that you and I have bonded, I can't allow either her or I to lose you. So, if you break her heart…I break your neck." Vader said simply.

Han looked over across the bar, where two gay men were dancing together.

"Lucky bastards." He muttered.


	28. Episode XXVIII: The NonConvict

Author's Note: For some reason, all the C2 communties that had this story listed has had this story removed from them. Please feel free to return this story to them.

&

"Awwww…" Asajj cooed, looking over one of the cubicle walls. "Guri's Robo-baby is so cute."

Luke and Leia walked up to her, looking at each other then the secretary. "What is so cute?"

"Guri's robo-baby." Asajj said. "So precious."

"What is she doing?" Luke asked, Leia craning her neck.

"She's trying to eat Han's heart."

"HELP!" Han cried out.

"Aw, look at how she's wielding that butcher's knife!" Asajj cooed as Luke rushed over to try and help his friend. "You are just a blood thirsty little monster…yes you are, yes you are!"

&

"You about done?" Asajj asked Piett later on.

"Just about." He said, looking down at the copier. "And…there we go."

Asajj smiled, yanks down herpants and jumping onto the copier.

&

"Me and Asajj are doing well. You have to learn to tolerate other people's quirks. She knows I like to keep my food separate, and she enjoys shooting Ewoks."

&

The Emperor stared down at the paper in his hand. "Yeah…we got this weird thing…not sure what it is…"

Mara leaned forward. "It is a check Says something about "Good Behavior"?

Kurt took the check from them. "Ah, this is a bonus check. You see, the rebellion got all sorts of people in it, including criminals. We decided to reward non-criminals with checks…no big deal."

The Emperor paled.

"One of the rebels isn't a criminal?" Mara questions. "Its not my Luke-poo, is it?"

"Luke-poo?" Asajj mouthed.

"I'm not for sure. I know its not me…" Kurt shrugged, "It's a long story, but I set a school bus on fire. I'll look into it though." Kurt got up, leaving the conference room to go check his files.

"Who is it?" Asajj whispered.

"Luke?" Bob ventured. "He's a farm boy…they are usually straight edge."

"Maybe the wookie?" The Emperor whispered.

"Has to be the two droids." Mara ventured.

"Can't be Lando." The Emperor said.

"Why is that? Because he is black that makes him a criminal?" Mara asked.

"Yes…remember, I made it against the law to be black." The Emperor said.

"No, you made it against the law to be named Black." Asajj commented.

"Oh yeah."

Kurt returned. "Its Lando."

&

"Why did the innocent man have to be a black guy?" The Emperor asked. "That's so…wait…actually…it isn't racist. It's the opposite of racist…" The Emperor pondered this. "Hmmm…"

&

"I wonder why he never committed a crime." Bob said.

Mara nodded. "Doesn't he know the joy of robbing a liquor store or beating an old woman with a stick?"

"Or had sex with a goat." Bob said.

"Why did you go from robbery to sex with a goat?" Mara asked.

"…I like goats."

"He probably was just really good and never got caught…right?" The Emperor ventured.

"Or he has truly never committed a crime." Mara said.

"Don't be stupid, of course he committed a crime." The Emperor scolded.

&

"Fermus Piett"

"I am so horny." The voice on the phone said.

Piett slowly turned. "I…can't help you with that, Han. Chewie might…"

Han sighed. "You know what Leia's idea of sex is? 5 hours of rough and tumble where she only focuses on her needs."

"As opposed to only focusing on yours."

"Exactly." Han said. "I need sex, and it needs to be secret…I'm thinking Padme."

"…that would be the worst idea in the world." Piett commented.

"Come on, Big Bantha, help me out…"

&

"I always wondered what it would be like to get Vader to murder someone…guess I get to find out." Piett smirked.

&

"Try and be cool." The Emperor whispered.

"I am cool." Vader said. "Now…tell me what is going on or I will kill you."The Emperor glared at him. "Sorry, force of habit."

"Lando…does not have a criminal record."

"…I thought he was black?"

&

"Who are you?" Asajj asked the man that stepped through the hole in the wall near Creed's office.

"Hi, my name is Mr. Chaos." The tall, rather handsome man who is not at all egotistic said. "The views expressed by Vader or anyone else in this office do not represent my views or infact views anyone should have.. I love black people, they are not criminals, Randy is the best judge on American Idol, Barrack Obama in 2008."

Asajj blinked as the man disappeared. "…CREED, PUT THE FOURTH WALL BACK UP!"

&

"Ok, so give me the dirt of Padme…how can I get in her pants?" Han asked.

&

"Ok, so a while back, I managed to get Kurt's files on everyone. And that let me know what they all like…" Piett grinned.

&

"Everyone, can I have your attention?" The Emperor called out, standing next to Lando. "I would just like to address the rumors going around that Lando is the only one here without a criminal record. If this is true…even if it is a lie, it doesn't change anything. I still love Lando…he is a great man…I love…"

"Smitz Malt Liquor. The drink of criminals and the innocent." Lando stated, smiling at the camera.

"Uh…no…" The Emperor said slowly. "I'm just saying I trust him! You name me someone you trust, and I will name someone I trust without a criminal record."

"My uncle Sal." Bob said.

"Martin Luthur King Jr." The Emperor said.

"Actually, MLK had a criminal record. He went to jail for one of his marches." Lando said. "And while there, I'm sure he desired a Smitz Malt Liquor…"

"…"

&

"Close your eyes…picture an innocent man. What is he wear? Blue jeans…a tight shirt…sandels…a thong…" The Emperor smiled, closing his own eyes. "mmmm…"

The camera panned over to Kurt. "Uh…are we done with my performance review?"

&

"So…what did you all do?" Lando asked.

Luke shrugged. "I was a farm boy on a planet made of sand. You either run red lights and tip over jawas or you go insane."

Han rolled his eyes. "I'm a drunken smuggler…you really don't think I've choked a hooker to death before?"

Luke slowly turned to stare at Han in horror.

"I killed people." Leia said.

"We know, you're using one as a chair right now." Han commented, looking down at the dead stormtrooper twisted into a recliner."

"Growl growl growl." Chewie said, which roughly translated, meant "You ripped the arms off one man and suddenly you are in prison!"

"What's it like not being a criminal?" Asajj asked.

Lando considered this. "You can get any job you want…you can walk around without people being scared of you…"

"Not being scared of you…that would be nice." Aurra admitted.

"If you go to the park, people don't make their children avoid you…"

Asajj nodded. "That would make my paints look better."

&

Asajj held up a painting of a park, parents running in terror from her

&

"Sounds like not being a criminal is a billion times better than working here." Bob said.

"That's…not true." The Emperor said.

"I'd like to be able to walk into a church without a priest throwing holy water on me." Mara said.

The Emperor groaned.

&

"Hey baby…" Creed said, cooing at Guri's robo baby. "Want to play with this?"

"You can't give paperclips to a baby, she could choke…" Sly began, before Guri's robo baby grabbed the paperclips, chewed them, and spit out a little rattle she had made from their metal. "…them."

&

"Hey Padme…" Han said with a grin, walking up to the former Senator. "Listen…I am a manly man, one that likes slapping his women around and treating them like shit. What do you say about the two of us going out to watch so kung fu movies, maybe shoot some mylocks with my blaster, then we head back to my place and discuss our feelings over a cup of cider?"

Padme's eyes widened.

&

"I've…never been so turned off before in my life…wow." Padme said. She paused. "Huh…I think that speech made me a lesbian…hey Sly, want to do something after work?"

&

"Ok…listen up everyone…" The Emperor called out. "I've decided to make all your dreams come true."

"You're going to force Padme to remarry me?" Vader asked.

"You're going to allow me to get back to raping you?" Padme asked.

"You're going to give me a family that isn't insane?" Luke asked.

"I'm getting a pony?" Asajj asked. Everyone stared at her. "What…oh, so my dreams have to be about murder and mayhem? Screw you, I want a pony!"

The Emperor laughed. "Oh no…I've decided to wipe clean your criminal records…you're all innocent people again!"

The office crew quiet for several moments.

"That means…if I kill someone…it will only be a first offense!" Mara said happily.

"I am going to smack an old woman with a stick!" Cody cheered.

"Who wants to rob the liquor store across the street?" Piett called out, the office members cheering. "Then lets go get those assholes!"

The crew grabbed their blasters and lightsabers, storming the doors and leaving the Emperor, Luke and Lando in their wake.

"Smitz Malt Liquor?" Lando asked.

The Emperor sighed. "Yeah…make it a double."


	29. Episode XXIX: SurvivorMan

"I really didn't think I would have a good time…" Tarkin said to Asajj, Guri, Sly, and Commander Cody

"I really didn't think I would have a good time…" Tarkin said to Asajj, Guri, Sly, and Commander Cody.

"See, I told you Dex's Diner was the best."

Tarkin nodded. "Yeah, Kurt and Luke split a basket of fries with me, and Chewie and Han had a malt drinking contest…"

"Morning." The Emperor said sullenly.

&

"Kurt and some of the rebels invited Tarkin to go to Dex's Diner with them." Asajj said. "They've invited everyone…except the Emperor."

&

"Did you see hobos?" Cody asked.

"Lots of them, one peed in a jar."

"Wow." Sly said, amazed. "I've only heard about hobos in movies."

"I have killed several bums…did you enjoy killing bums?"

Tarkin nodded. "Luke wasn't up to it, but Leia and Han were…I mounted mine above my desk." 

The Emperor made a jerking-off motion with his hands.

&

"The rebels invited me to dinner…it was really nice, because no one treats me with respect here…" Tarkin began.

"Hey, assface!" The Emperor called out. "We treat you with respect…now shut the hell up and get back to work!"

&

"Hypodermically, if I were to ask you to go to a diner with me…would you?" The Emperor asked Piett.

"Hypodermically?"

"Yeah, you know, not for real." 

Piett frowned. "I…think you mean hypothetically."

"No, that is when you think you have a disease and you don't."

"That would be hypochondriac."

The Emperor groaned. "You know what…never mind, I wouldn't want to eat dinner with you anyway, son."

"Don't call me son." Piett said, walking away.

"Hey…we're not done here…sons do not storm out when their father's are talking!"

&

"The Emperor has got it in his head that he needs to begin acting like a father to me, just because he technically is." Piett rolled his eyes. "Seriously…he is the last man I would want to be my father…we are nothing alike, and more so, we have no interests that match. I like pranks, he enjoys slaughtering Jedi."

&

"Why did we not invite the Emperor?" Kurt said, shrugging. "Seriously…have you seen him? There is no way he would go to Dex's Diner. The Emperor likes the Opera and big fancy restaurant…he isn't the type of guy we would normally hang out with."

&

"He said that?" The Emperor asked, surprised. "Well…I'll show him."

&

"I have decided to prove I am like the common man, Vader."

Darth Vader nodded. "You will be marrying your baby mom and working in a auto part store?"

"….no. I'm going to walk to Dex's Diner and have a meal there…I will need a roll of duct tape and a knife."

Vader tilted his head, confused

&

The Emperor walked over to Asajj's desk. "Vader and I are going out…he will return, I will not. I will also be taking a personal day."

"Should I even bother to ask what you are doing?"

"No, I'll just tell you." The Emperor said. "I am going to get something to eat at Dex's Diner…like a normal person." He glared at Kurt.

Han raised his hand. "Question…why would you need two days to do that? Dex's is only 15 minutes from here."

The Emperor shrugged. "I might stay the night…they have nice rooms at Dex's, right?"

The crew rolled their eyes.

"While I am gone, my son…."

"Don't call me that." Piett said.

"…will be in charge. Goodnight…and good luck."

&

"Can the Emperor make it to Dex's without dying?" Vader said. "No…no, he can not."

&

"Oh no…no no no…" Aurra said.

&

"Hell no." Padme stated.

&

Bob grinned. "I have 50 credits on us finding him dead in an alley."

&

"No." The Emperor paused. "Uh…what was the question?"

&

"This is what a common man does." The Emperor said, riding next to Vader in his Tie Fighter. "He gets his friend to drop him off in the city, then he goes out to eat."

"No…a normal person would ask his friend to come with him, then they would both drive to the diner." 

The Emperor scoffed. "And that…is why you will never understand the common man." He took a bottle of water and put it in his knapsack. "Knife, duct tape, bottled water, compass…I'm all set…" The Emperor paused. "Now…if only there was a way to knock me out…" 

"Got it." Vader said, sending the Fighter into a nosedive.

"VADER!" The Emperor screamed as the ship hurtled towards the ground. "I said if! I said if!"

"HAHAHAHA!" Vader laughed. "Top of the world, ma!"

"AAAAAAAAAA!"

BOOM!

&

"Piett, we need to order a fruit platter for the wake." Mara said.

"Wake?"

"Creed's father died a few days back and the Emperor never had a wake."

Piett sighed.

&

"There are over 20 people in this office, each with loved ones, many of whom the Emperor has imprisoned to make us work. About once a month, on of them dies, and we have to have a wake."

&

The scene shifted to the crew dressed in back, Sly sobbing as she cradled her son's severed head.

&

"The Emperor likes to make these…festive affairs." 

&

The Emperor leapt out of a coffin, causing Sly to scream.

&

"He likes to sing…" 

&

The Emperor happily sang the high part of "Bohemian Rhapsody"."

&

"And have…surprise funerals."

&

The Emperor leapt out of a bathroom stall, causing Bob to scream. "Surprise, I killed you Aunt Betty!" 

&

"Here's an idea…" Piett said, "What if we just get a list of everyone that is terminally ill, kill them all, then have one massive wake."

Mara frowned. "But its tradition…"

"But this will be so much easier…get all the sad out of the way and then we can know we have a full year of happiness."

Mara groaned as Asajj nodded with approval.

&

"Ow…" The Emperor mumbled, pulling himself from the wreckage. He looked around, noticing Vader was nowhere in sight. "Well…he's dead.' The Emperor shrugged. "Oh well. Now…lets find Dex's." Making his way through the crowd, a hoverdroid recording him, the cameraman panned back to reveal Vader hiding behind the shattered shuttle.

&

"Here are the forms you wanted…and here is this." Piett said, handing Cody a sheet of paper. 

"What is this?"

"Oh, I decided we are going to have a joint wake, so I need the name of your sickest relative so we can kill them."

Cody frowned. "My Cousin Vinny is in the hospital…but the doctors said he had 6 months…"

Piett sucked on the insides of his cheeks. "Well…the wake is tomorrow, so we'll have to kill him tonight." He slapped Cody on the back. "Listen, just let me know the hospital and I will take care of it."

&

The Emperor looked around. "Day 1…I am here, with the common man, on the streets. I will need to plan ahead if I am to survive this trek." He looked about. "I heard that moss grows on the north side of trees, and I know Dex's Diner is north of here…so I will find some trees." Walking towards what he assumed must be the direction of a park, the Emperor failed to notice the "Dex's Diner: THIS WAY" sign just to his left.

&

"Hey, Piett?" Sly said as the Assistant Emperor got a snack. "Listen…could we have a veggie tray at the wake instead of fruit?"

"Sure."

"Fruit makes me poop real bad."

"More…than I needed to know." Piett said.

"Really bad." 

"That's nice…" Piett muttered, sending Sly on her way, only for Creed to grab him by the arm.

"I hate veggies. If the Force wanted us to eat them, then the Force would have made them tasty." 

"What do you want?" Piett asked with a groan.

"Coke."

"As in the drink?" 

"As in the drug…I like to get high when people die."

Piett rubbed his head, eyes reddening as he grew more tired.

&

The Emperor looked around, confused. "Ok, so apparently there are no more trees left…I'd forgotten I'd had them all cut down. But that is ok…I think I will ask for directions from one of the locals…common people do that all the time." The Emperor walked up to a large black alien that resembled a bug crossed with an armored man. "Excuse me, where is Dex's Diner?"

It is 5 blocks north of here. The alien said.

"Uh…my Huttese is rusty…I believe he said it is 30 miles west of here."

I said it is 5 blocks north, and I am a woman, the Xenomorph queen. But that is ok, but I find you attractive, wrinkly little man.

"He says he can't be of any further help."

Kiss me, you handsome devil! The Xenomorph said, grabbing the Emperor and shoving its second mouth down its throat.

The Emperor struggled away, gagging. "Ugh…strange customs."

I have planted my seed in your belly, you have 4 hours to live! The queen called out.

The camera panned back to reveal Darth Vader watching from behind a bench. "Yes, I told my Master I would let him do this alone. I lied. I will stay here, watching over him. I will let him die if I must…but I will ensure he has his dignity."

"Hey, Mister Vader, whacha want on yar pizza?"

Vader turned back to the vendor. "Ham, and put it in a blender so I can inject it into my stomach."

"One number 4, comin' up."

&

"Hey, Big Bantha…" Han said, walking over to Piett, who had hid himself away in the Emperor's office. "Listen…I have no family, so what do you want me to do about this memo?" 

Piett sighed. "I don't know…we need to kill someone for you, though…how about if we get you adopted and kill your adopted parents?"

"Wouldn't that be just a waste of time?" Han asked.

Piett rubbing his head.

&

"I swear, I work with idiots. I am trying to help them, and they just don't care…" Piett frowned. "And has this office always been this humid…my fingers are getting prune-y." Piett held up his hands, revealing they were rather wrinkly, a few creases slowly forming around his mouth and eyes as well.

&

"I have discovered this cave." The Emperor whispered, walking through the darkness. "I will rest here." He sat down, looking about. "I am alone with my thoughts…free to say anything I want…I ENJOYED PADME RAPING ME!"

"That's nice." A man said to the Emperor's right. "But you ain't in a cave."

"Where am I?"

"A movie theater…now would you shut up!" The man snarled.

"oh…sorry…" The Emperor paused. "What's playing?"

"The Dark Knight."

The Emperor's eyes widened. "I…guess I could stay and watch a few minutes…"

&

"The Emperor is a man of great evil and cunning…but he doesn't understand the common man. He doesn't know how to interact with people, how to enjoy the simple things in life…" Vader paused. "I, on the other hand, am both like the common man and enjoy the finer things." He walked up to the movie ticket counter. "One for Disaster Movie."

"Ugh." The clerk said. "Why would you want to see that piece of (CENSORED)? Do you enjoy hurting yourself."

"Very much so." Vader said simply.

&

Asajj looked at Piett, concern clearly written on her face. "Are you ok, Piett?" She asked, running a hand over his forehead, grimacing at the amount of pruning he had going on. "You seem a bit…stressed."

"Yeah, I'm stressed." Piett complained, coughing. "I am trying to help these people and they don't even care…they don't even let me help them." He coughed again, his voice growing raspy. "And now I've lost my voice!"

Asajj stared in growing horror.

&

"Why so serious?" The Joker asked.

"Why indeed?" The Emperor whispered.

&

Vader groaned as the movie he was watching made yet another horrible Paris Hilton joke. "Body…slowly…dying…worse…than…Mustafar…."

&

"Hey Piett?" Tarkin said, knocking on the door. "Can I talk to you about something?" 

Piett nodded, voice still raspy and skin still pruned up. "Yes, go right ahead." He said, smiling weakly.

"Listen…a few weeks ago my dog died, and no one threw me a wake."

"Right…"

"Well, it wasn't my dog…" Tarkin said, sitting down. "It's a funny story, a long one to. I'll start at the beginning. When I was five, I got this bird that I named Buster. Well, I didn't get him…that's another funny story that I should start telling first. It helps you understand the first story.

"Uh huh…" Piett mumbled.

&

"You know, Tarkin is a nice guy…I like him…" Piett said, "But…for some reason, I had a vision of myself tasering him to death." Piett frowned. "And I said to myself, "Fermy…" I call myself Fermy in my head, "Fermy, that isn't right…"." Piett shivered. "Are you cold, I'm cold." Piett pulled on a long black robe, throwing the hood up over his head. "Good…good…much better."

&

Piett walked out of the office, his back sore from sitting in the Emperor's chair, causing him to hunch slightly. "Ok, we need to get this communal wake thing settled."

Asajj raised her hand. "Conference room?" 

"Yes, 5 min…no…we will handle this out here. Who hates the idea?"

Everyone raised his or her hand except Leia, who was busy fashioning herself a feminine version of her father's armor.

"Ok, Leia, why do you like the idea?" 

"Because you suggested it, my Master." Leia said absentmindedly.

"I…am not your master." Piett said.

"Of course you are, Emperor Palpatine." Leia said, never looking up.

Piett's eyes widened in horror.

&

Piett stared at the camera, looking very close to being normal. "Leia thought I was the Emperor…" He shuddered. "And that thought…will keep me awake for many nights to come…now, excuse me…" Piett threw his clothing into a trash bin and set them on fire, before hurrying to the shower and pulling out some bleach. "Most…clean…self…" He mumbled.

&

"Ok…I think I finally found it." The Emperor said. "Dex's!"

The camera panned up to reveal the sign "Dex's Sex Dungeon."

"Hope they have the burgers I like…"

"NOOOO!!" Vader screamed, emerging from an alley and tackling his master.

&

"I've been there…it was too intense for even me…and I married Padme." Vader said.

&

"Nothing really matters…" The crew sang to Creed, all of them dressed in funeral garb. "Nothing really matters…"

"Toooo meeee!" The Emperor sand, entering the conference room. The crew clapped politely as he shook hands with Creed.

&

"I realized something today…who needs to be the common man? Does the common man have a loyal apprentice? A wonderful crew? A bald-headed secretary? No…they don't…and thus I would never want to be them."

&

"I'm glad you're back." Piett said, his hair bleached white from his bleach bath.

"Consider yourself relieved." The Emperor said.

"I…tried to set up a communal wake…"

"Oh, I tried that once."

"You did?" Piett said, surprised.

"Yeah…rookie mistake." The Emperor slung an arm around Piett. "Don't worry, when you are Emperor for real, you will have learned the tricks."

"I don't know if I'll ever be Emperor." Piett said.

The Emperor shrugged. "Don't be so sure…it's in your blood. You are my son…if I can do it…"

Piett's face fell slightly. "Hey…was grandpa really wrinkly?"

"Oh yeah, worse than me." The Emperor said.

"Great…just…great." Piett mumbled.

"He also has rectal bleeding…they told me it skips a generation, so I'd be careful…"


	30. Episode XXX: Empire Wars

Piett smiled at the camera. "So you might be wondering where we've been at the last…I don't know…year?" He shrugged. "Well, Vader discovered some guy sneaking around the station a long while back and, thinking it was a Rebel Spy that hadn't realized the war was over…tied him up and shoved him in the prison block. And forgot about him…for a year… and that man…was the director…who was stuck in there..for a year." Piett grinned. "And Creed…just found him."

^&^&^&^

"Anyone could have made the mistake." Vader exclaimed.

^&^&^&^

"This is Thompson…one moment please." The secretary walked over to an office, knocking on a door. "Mon Montha, call on line 1."

The former head of the rebellion, and now President Barrack Obama's Secretary of Homeland Security, nodded. "Thank you." She picked up her phone. "Hello? You will…that's great."

^&^&^&^

"Are you ok?" Luke asked.

The director shielded his eyes. "Are lights always this bright?"

Leia scoffed, adjusting one of her gauntlets. "Baby."

^&^&^&^

"Yea, I said it…if I had found him instead of daddy, I would have killed him…dead…right there, on the spot." Leia scoffed. "Daddy is getting soft in his old age."

^&^&^&^

The Emperor grinned. "See, when someone opens the door, if I've activated the control system, it will cause this blaster to fire!" He laughed hysterically. "Now I can kill people even if I am home!"

Vader nodded in delight. "Who should we test it on first?"

The Emperor thought this over. "Go get Tarkin…"

"Emperor." Xizor said, entering the office, the blaster going off and firing over Xizor's shoulder.

"My ear!" Bob screamed.

"Xizor, do me a favor and go get Tarkin, ok?"

"I will not." Xizor said.

"…and why not?"

Xizor frowned. "Because Mon Montha just offered me a position working for Barrack Obama…and I am accepting it."

The Emperor stared in shock.

^&^&^&^

The Emperor looked at the crew. "I just wanted to let you know that Xizor will be leaving us…he is accepting a job from my ex, Mon Montha."

The crew became to clap.

"No no no!" The Emperor called out. "Maybe…maybe you misunderstood me…we are losing Xizor!"

"…but it is a good thing for him, right?" Piett questioned.

"Yes." The Emperor said. "Which is why it is so terrible for us. And this is all Piett's fault."

Piett frowned. "And why is it my fault, exactly?"

"Because Mon didn't want to be a step mother to you, son."

Piett frowned. "Can't be worse than you trying to be a father."

"Exactly." The Emperor stated, misunderstanding.

^&^&^&^

"You can not take a member of my crew away! It would be like getting rid of a cast member on a drama. Remember LOST? Remember how they got rid of Boone and it just destroyed the show and everyone stopped watching." The Emperor sighed. "Xizor is our Boone. And Mon…is the plane that is going to crush him to death."

^&^&^&^

The Emperor looked over at Xizor. "Tell me…how can I get you to stay?"

"Money."

"Besides that."

Xizor began unzipping his pants.

"…And besides that."

"You hesitated…." Xizor commented.

"…"

^&^&^&^

"Cody…you coming?" Asajj asked.

Cody nodded, grabbing his copy of People magazine. "Yup."

^&^&^&^

"Cody, Luke and I decided to help out the director…get him reacquainted with the world he missed while Vader had him locked up in a cell." Asajj paused. "I'm sure he would like to see his family, but its more important he learn what a bitch Kate from Jon and Kate is."

^&^&^&^

"So explain to me again why I can't help." Piett asked.

Asajj frowned. "Because you would focus on telling him about sports and stupid stuff like that."

Piett nodded. "Quite right. So…will you tell him about Tara Reid's failed tummy tuck before or after Brad and Angelina having another baby."

"I know you are mocking me…but after."

^&^&^&^

"Mon."

"Hello Emperor." Mon Montha said over the speaker phone.

"Listen…I am going to say this as kindly as I can…give me back Xizor or I will sodomize your parents."

"…you did learn at the hands of Padme."

"That is…"

CLICK

"Hello?"

^&^&^&^

"Piett!" The Emperor called out in a panic, Vader following after him. "Oh my God, it is terrible…Asajj was in a car accident! Come on, we'll drive you to the hospital!"

Piett looked to his right, where Asajj was standing right next to him. "Uh…no."

"Did I say Asajj…I meant Vader."

"He's right beside you." Piett pointed out.

"Me?"

"I'm talking to you."

"Vader, the chloroform."

Piett's eyes widened as Vader pressed a rag to his face, Asajj watching on with a smirk as her fiancé was dragged off.

"What was that?" Luke asked, leading the shaken director to a chair, Cody close behind.

"The Emperor and Vader just kidnapped Piett."

Cody considered this. "The last time Vader kidnapped someone…"

"AAAA!" The director screamed.

"Night terrors! Hold him down!" Asajj commanded.

^&^&^&^

Piett groaned, shaking the cobwebs from his head. He looked around, finding himself in the Emperor's shuttle. "What…what is going on?"

Vader laughed. "We lied! No one is in the hospital!"

"I got that part."

The Emperor grinned. "Son…we are flying to Earth…we are going to find Mon Montha, and convince her not to take Xizor!"

Piett frowned. "But…I don't want to hurt Xizor's…why am I wearing a dress?" Piett looked down at the frilly white dress he was wearing.

"We are dressing like the natives." THe Emperor stated.

"Why aren't you guys in dresses?" Piett questioned.

"Because people dress like us down there. Duh." Vader commented.

"…who…who undressed me?"

The Emperor smiled, bashful. "You have such cute thighs."

Piett's eyes widened. "I want to go, I want to go, I want to go…"

"Don't be a baby!" Vader commanded.

The Emperor nodded. "We have it all planned. We will sneak into the White House, ask Mon to reconsider…"

"And then blow up the White House with the lasers on this shuttle!" Vader exclaimed. He punched in a button, and let out a holler as a Skyhook exploded in front of them. "Burn baby."

"You…you just blew up Chuck Norris' Skyhook." Piett whispered.

"Don't lie to me, it won't work." Vader stated.

The Emperor shook his head. "He isn't lying. That was Chuck Norris' Skyhook."

"…seriously?"

"Seriously." Piett stated.

"…Emperor, could we please go faster?"

^&^&^&^

"So then, Megan Fox compared Michael Bay to Hitler…" Asajj stated. "But I think she's just a trailer trash bitch..."

"Can I please see my family?" The director pleaded.

"Not until we are done." Cody commented. "And then GI Joe came out…"

"I loved that movie." Han said, sitting down next to the group.

Asajj, Cody and Luke shared looked. "Listen…Han…this is a private session."

"Right…and between the 5 of us, I really want to help." Han stated.

Luke shook his head. "No Han, what Asajj means is…the 3 of us are the only ones helping the director."

"It would be a big help if I could talk to my family."

"Your family is dead, let it go." Han stated. "Listen, I really need this, ok? The only people I get to talk to are your bat shit crazy sister and a Wookie that likes to cuddle me in his sleep."

"My family is dead?"

"Or they moved, I really don't care, we are talking about me and my problems!" Han complained.

"I…was…kidnapped…for…a…year." The director said slowly.

^&^&^&^

"What a crybaby. So he was kidnapped? You know how many people are kidnapped each day and don't cry right before their heads are cut off?" Han stated. "But as I was saying, I can be sensitive too."

^&^&^&^

"Ok, so what is our plan?" Piett asked, the shuttle hovering just above the White House.

The Emperor smiled. "You will enter first, butter Mon up, then Vader and I will enter and take revenge!"

"I thought we were going to convince her not to take Xizor."

"Get with the times, Piett." Vader said. "We are way past that. We have now moved on revenge!"

Piett could only stare.

^&^&^&^

"I think that is everything." Asajj stated happily, the director just sitting there, rocking back and forth. "Now…are we ready to begin filming the documentary again?"

The director just kept rocking back and forth.

"I know I know…the loss of Michael Jackson effected all of us."

^m lookin' at the man in the mirror!" Asajj sand. "I'm askin' him to make a change!"

^&^&^&^

"Did you really think I would be fooled by the dress, Piett." Mon Montha asked.

Piett sighed. "Again, not my idea…but you might want to scramble your X-Wings…"

"Fighter jets."

"Whatever…Vader and the Emperor…"

"Surprise!" Vader and the Emperor called out, leaping out from behind a door, wearing Ku Klux Klan robes.

"…are here."

Mon shook her head. "Emperor…Vader…"

"I am not this Emperor you speak of." The Emperor stated.

"Neither am I!" Vader proclaimed, his black glove slipping out from under the white robe sleeve.

"…why brother Mathews, what did I tell you about washin' up?" The Emperor asked.

Mon shook her head. "Emperor, please?"

The Emperor took off his hood. "This…this is but a taste of our revenge, Mon, for trying to take Xizor! You will face punishment, ruin…"

"Annoyance…" Piett muttered.

"And there is nothing you, or anyone else can say…"

The Emperor paused, shielding his yes as a brilliant light shone upon them from a doorway. They all turned as one, jaws dropping.

"By the Force…it is him…" Piett whispered.

"Mon, is there a problem?" The President asked, literally floating across the room, a halo of light shining around him. "Why is everyone so upset?"

Mon Montha's hand trembled as she pointed at Vader and the Emperor. "They are here…they don't want us to take Xizor…"

"Then we shall not." The President said softly, nodding at the two. "I do not wish to cause you distress. You may keep Xizor…we will find another."

The Emperor cried tears of joy. "Truly you are the King of Kings."

The President held up a hand. "I am merely a man…nothing more." He paused, placing his palm on Vader's helmet. "Be well."

Vader froze, before reaching up with an unsteady hand, his helmet hissing as he removed it. The others stared as Anakin Skywalker's hanesome face was revealed.

"Oh…oh my…I'm healed…I'm healed!" Vader cried out. "It's a miracle! I'm healed!" He grabbed the Emperor, hugging him. "I don't need the helmet any more!"

"You will in a moment." A new voice called out.

Piett turned. "Chuck Norris?"

"You the one that blew up my Skyhook?" he demanded, approaching Vader. Vader weakly nodded. "Ok…go time." He round housed kicked Vader throw a window, leaping after him.

"No! No, please!" Vader screamed.

"You have to help him!" The Emperor cried.

The President held up his hands. "Hey, I'm just the leader of the free world…I don't tangle with the Almighty."

"Why isn't anyone helping me!" Vader screamed.

^&^&^&^

The director sighed in relief as the last of the crew left. "Thank God…now I can finally go hom-"

"Rebel spy!" Leia screamed, tackling him. The director fell, out cold, and Leia grinned. "I know just the cell to put you in…"


	31. Epsiode XXXI: Evilism

"Hey, how is it going in here?" The Emperor asked, watching as Asajj, Mara Jade, Guri and Leia worked on hanging up a banner that said, "WELCOME BACK"

"We are managing." Mara stated, "Though, I do not see why we need to make a big deal out of this."

^&^&^&^

"Kurt is returning to us." The Emperor said, practically dancing in his chair. "He took a few months, vacationed and stuff like that, and now he has returned to the flock. The only thing that would make this day better was if I could destroy a small planet." The Emperor turned, flicking a switch. Behind him, the camera caught the Death Star firing on Endor, blowing it up. "See…so much better."

^&^&^&^

Padme glared at Vader, the two of them standing next to the elevators. "What do you want, Annie?"

Vader sighed. "I want you to take me back. I miss you, and I love you."

"No."

"I don't understand why you are mad in the first place!" Vader exclaimed.

Padme's eye twitched. "You choked me nearly to death…I have to wear this armor for the rest of my life if I don't want to die in agony." She waved her hand at her Boba Fett armor.

"So we have something in common…" Padme turned to leave. "Ok, ok…I got you something. Something to show how sorry I am." He grinned. "I know how you've missed your family…so I kidnapped them!" He yanked open a door, revealing Padme's mother, father and sister all bound, gagged and beaten.

Padme just stared at Vader in disgust.

^&^&^&^

Asajj smiled as Kurt entered the office, stormtroopers flanking him. He was bloodied, his clothing ripped and dirty, and his head shaved with a number tattooed on his scalp.

"Oh, so you did go to Bangkok!" She said happily.

^&^&^

"No, I wasn't on vacation." Kurt said, frustrated. "I was kidnapped by the remains of the Empire and tortured for 3 months. They finally released me…when the Emperor never contacted them!"

^&^&^&^

"There he is!" The Emperor said happily, emerging from his office. He smacked Kurt on the back. "Listen, sorry I couldn't wire you any extra cash…"

"That was the ransom money…" Kurt ground out.

"Anyway, I can't wait to hear about your trip, we are all very excited…"

Bob Ruby grinned as he snuck up on Kurt, before reaching out and ruffling the Bothan's hair.

Kurt turned and fired his blaster at Bob, sending him to the ground.

"…so, lets get the meeting underway." Kurt said.

^&^&^&^

"Yes, Kurt seemed a bit distant, when he first came in here. But when I looked him in the eye, I saw something there." The Emperor nodded to himself. "Yes…it was something that said, "hey Emperor, don't worry, I still like you. You are my number one guy. You have a great smile, and beautiful eyes, and I dream of running my hands through your hair as we make love by the fire." He was saying all that with his eyes, trust me."

^&^&^&^

"The New Empire, Version 2.0, is the next step in our merging of the Rebellion and the original Empire." Kurt stated. "The keystone to this is to bring the old, murderous Empire into the new, kinder ways of the Rebellion."

^&^&^&^

Piett held up a hand. "Because destroying the only government that is keeping the criminals in line and leaving the galaxy in chaos for months on end…is totally kind and sweet and puppy dog tails."

"Is someone serving puppy dog tails?" Asajj called out.

"No sweetie, just a metaphor."

"Shoot!"

^&^&^&^

"This is a major overhaul to the way we function. We are getting kinder, gentler." Kurt held up a purple and orange stuffed monkey, with long arms and a head of fuzzy oranage and purple hair. The moneky doll was wearing a "Empire/Rebellion" t-shirt. "These rally monkeys have microchips in them. The more kindness and love you show them, the more they will do." He began to pass the dolls out to everyone. "Any questions…Vader?"

"What if we do not want the monkey because it is stupid?"

"I'll take his monkey." Han offered.

^&^&^&^

"Yes, I collect stuffed monkeys. Some men drink, others do drugs…the director of this thing collects transformers. I like stuffed monkeys…they make me smile."

^&^&^&^

"That is some fun stuff." Creed stated as the meeting ended. "So, when is this going to happen…the niceness stuff?"

"Right now Creed."

"Cool beans, Ryan."

"It's K…oh, never mind."

^&^&^&^

"We're screwed." Creed stated as he entered the Emperor's office.

"Who is?" The Emperor asked, setting his monkey down.

"You, me, Stanley, Phyllis…"

"You mean Xizor and Guri." The Emperor frowned. "Why are we screwed?"

"He wants to make us nice, and that isn't in our designs. Stanley is a criminal mastermind, you are a bloody thirsty Sith, Phyllis is a robot that likes producing murderous robo-babies, and I enjoy stealing way to much to ever stop."

"So?"

"So, there is no way we are going to be able to be kind and nice and gentle…Kurt is going to bury us."

The Emperor shook his head. "You are insane."

"You've had the rally monkey for 3 minutes and it is already trying to kill itself."

The Emperor turned just in time to watch the Rally monkey leap in an incinerator.

^&^&^&^

Later that day, The Emperor and Kurt sat in together, Kurt smiling as his Rally Monkey did a little dance. The Emperor glanced at the ashes that had once been his monkey.

"So…I just wanted to make sure things we business as usual, between the two of us."

"Well, it is business, but it isn't usual."

"SO it is unusual?"

Kurt frowned. "No, it just is different."

"So…it is usual?"

"No."

"…then its…"

^&^&^&^

Xizor frowned. "I do not understand the purpose of this monkey."

"I gave mine to my baby." Guri pointed to her robo baby, who was now wearing a very nice monkey fur coat.

^&^&^&^

"I am so screwed." The Emperor whispered as Luke looked on.

"Listen…do I really need to eat my lunch with you?"

"Yes, yes you do." The Emperor put his head in hi hands. "Oh God, they are going to fire me…"

Luke shrugged. "Probably…though…" He frowned, looking up from his salad. "Does the Empire have a Evilism clause?"

"A what what?"

"Evilism…Jabba the Hutt had to put one in when the labor unions threatened to strike. It states that you can't discriminate against people who are evil."

The Emperor's eyes lit up.

^&^&^&^

The crew, a few hours later, found themselves gathered in the conference room. On the wall, there were pictures of Hitler, Judas and Tom Hanks. The Emperor finally entered, grinning to himself.

"Ok guys. As you know, Kurt here gave us Ralyl monkeys that hate us."

"Mine doesn't." Asajj commented.

"Mama!" The monkey exclaimed.

"Mine neither." Luke stated, his monkey giving him a back massage.

Chewie let out a growl, pointing to his monkey that was making him a sandwich.

"The point is…" The Emperor stated, "is that what Kurt did was wrong. Forcing people to be nice is known as evilism, and it is illegal." He pointed to the pictures. "More so, when you force someone out of their job for being evil, it makes them more evil. If they had just let Hitler paint, he wouldn't invaded Poland. And Judas…if the Disciples, his garage band, hadn't kicked him out, he wouldn't have stolen Jesus' girlfriend."

"And Jesus is?" Han asked.

"A guy from my bookclub." The Emperor admitted.

Leia raised her hand. "Why is Tom Hanks up there?"

The Emperor rolled his eyes. "Because if they had let him stay an adult, he wouldn't have become that evil cowboy that took down Buzz Lightyear's Apollo mission."

The crew stared at him, confused.

"The point is, you can't discriminate against evil people." He looked at Kurt, Luke, Han and Chewie. "And more than that, you 4 need to remember who founded the rebellion."

"What about Leia?" Luke asked, turning only to find his sister torturing her rally monkey. "Nevermind."

"What do you mean, remember who founded it."

The Emperor grinned as a force ghost appeared. "This is Starkiller…I had him form the rebellion so I could discover all that threatened my power. He was evil, but he was able to help the rebellion anyway."

"Actually, I turned good at the end and you killed me." Starkiller stated.

The Emperor blinked, before taking a dust buster and vacuuming the ghost up.

"And that's why evilism is bad."

The crew clapped weakly.

^&^&^&^

"What did we learn today?" The Emperor asked. "Uh…that Guri's robo baby looks good in fur?" The Emperor lifted the robotic infant up, the silver baby cooing as she showed off her rally monkey coat.


	32. Episode XXXII: Goodbye, Tarkin

Author's Note: Yes, it's the long awaited season finale episode of "The Death Star". The irony is, I am hoping to write the season opener within the next few days. Oh well...

* * *

"Today is Tarkin's last day." The Emperor said, practically vibrating in his chair. "Do you realize…do you truly realize how long I have waited for this moment to come? All the pain and suffer I have gone through…believing at times it would not come…" The Emperor sniffed slightly. "I'm…I'm sorry…there is just something in my eye!"

* * *

The Emperor looked at Asajj, Mara and Guri, file folders spread out over the conference table. "Today's order of business is Tarkin's going away party. So…what do we have to celebrate this wonderful event."

"We have got a butter-cream cake and some streamers."

The Emperor stared at Mara, utterly confused.

"That's…it?"

Guri frowned. "Would you prefer high pitched noise making devices?"

The Emperor rubbed the bridge of his nose. "No…I want a party, a real party…not the party orphans get when the nuns try and convince them God really does love them."

"Why would nuns have to convince the orphans?" Asajj asked.

"Because if God loved them, he wouldn't have killed their parents, now would he have?" The Emperor said. Letting the comment rest in the air for a moment, he then continued. "Listen…imagine if a create evil had been overthrown, and would never terrorize the world again. That is what today is."

Asajj smirked. "Like when the Rebels defeated us and Kurt shut the Empire down?"

"Exactly! I want the party that was thrown that day! I want cheers, and parades, and people ripping down statues and cursing my name…well, Tarkin's name in this case…I want what we had that day, when our mighty Emperor was defeated by the Care Bears."

* * *

"So Kurt, who are they getting to replace Tarkin?" Piett asked.

Kurt shifted uneasily. "Well, as you know, we had to do a lot of thinking, a lot of interviews…it has been a long, difficult decision…we wanted to make sure we picked someone that would fit in when with the group dynamic…"

"Kurt, while we are young?" Xizor called.

"It's Guri's Robo Baby."

The entire crew just stared at the Bothan.

"The Robo-Baby…the silver thing that likes to eat people and cut off hands?" Luke asked.

"That's the one."

"The baby is our new HR rep?" Han questioned.

"Exactly."

"…have you lost your freaking mind?" Leia demanded. "You can't hire a baby!"

"She's been upgraded." Kurt countered.

"Oh, isn't that just peachy-keen!" Han snapped.

"Have to go with the newbies on this." Asajj said. "I don't think, even with the upgrade, a baby-"

"Hello everyone…good to see you again."

The crew turned, staring at the woman that had entered the office. She stood nearly six feet tall, with long curly strawberry blonde hair, wide doe eyes, flawless porcelain skin and the breathy voice of a jazz singer.

"Uh…hi." Asajj said, taken off guard.

"I see you are all now use to my upgraded form." The woman smiled at each of them. "I am Guri's Robo-Baby…but you may call me Holly."

* * *

"Wow…just…wow." Piett said, shaking his head. "I…I am of two minds. I mean, she is hot, right? But the thing is…she is still a baby. She just put in a bigger body. How desperate would you have to be to want to be with that?"

* * *

Vader stared at the camera. "If I still have a functioning penis, I would consider hitting that."

* * *

"Emperor?"

"Oh, hey Tarkin, please close the door on your way out."

Tarkin ignored the insult, instead leading Holly into the Emperor's office. "This is my replacement…"

The Emperor looked up…his jaw hanging. "Whoa."

Holly held out her hand. "Hello Emperor."

"Well…hello there."

"I look forward to imposing our will on the unwashed masses."

"I…do…uh…hello there."

Holly gave him a confused little smile. "Hello again. I'm…going to get myself familiar with my desk, ok?"

"Hello there." The Emperor repeated again.

* * *

"See, that is the problem with Tarkin. He made me think all HR people are hideous monsters. But sometimes…monsters aren't bad. Like succubus demons. I mean, what I way to go!" The Emperor paused. "I wonder if Holly is a succubus…"

* * *

"Piett! Piett, I need your help!"

Piett entered the Emperor's office, taking a seat. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, son-"

"Don't call me son"

"-I am making a coffee table book for Holly, a little thank you gift for coming to work for us."

"That's…nice of you." Piett said. "Way too nice."

"Yes, so tell me…which picture of my penis should go on the cover?"

"And we are back to evil." Piett said. "Why do you want Holly to see a picture of your penis?"

"I don't know…why wouldn't I want her to have a picture of my penis?"

Piett made a face. "I don't think that is a normal question."

"Holly isn't a normal woman."

"No…no she is not. Listen, you know that she's Guri's…"

"Friend? No I did not know that." The Emperor said.

"…right, friend. Not her Robo-Baby in an adult cyborg's body. Listen…if you truly want to impress her…there are some things you need to do."

"Like what?" The Emperor said, very excited.

* * *

"I hate the Emperor, aka my dad. So if I can get him hauled away for being a pedophile…" Piett smirked, "Yeah, this is going to be fun."

* * *

The Emperor walked up to Holly, a paper bag in his hand. "How are you managing so far, Holly."

"Quite well, Emperor."

The Emperor smiled. "I got you some candy…good, sweet stuff."

Holly smiled, taking the bag. "That is very nice of you."

"When…when you run out, I have a lot more in…my…uh…van. You can come in my van and get some. And we can talk…and play a game. And after you come in my van…I will COME in my van."

Holly grinned. "That sounds so cool. I love candy, and you seem nice."

The Emperor grinned. "I am nice…nicest man you will ever meet."

Tarkin walked up to them. "Emperor, I-"

"SHUT UP YOU MISERABLE (CENSORED)!" The Emperor took a breath. "Nicest man you will ever meet."

"I was just going to say that some stormtroopers are here."

The Emperor sighed. "And I don't suppose they are here to blaster-whip you, so I guess I need to find out what they want." Giving Holly one last stare, the Emperor made his way into the main part of the office, where he found a strange sight: Stormtroopers holding Padme, Han, Leia, Chewie and Vader at gunpoint while two others were slapping cuffs on Luke.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Luke shouted, struggling.

The Emperor frowned. "What is the meaning of this?"

One of the stormtroopers gave the Emperor a warrant. "We are here to arrest Luke Katrina Skywalker for murder."

"Luke?" Padme cried out.

"Murder?" Vader shouting in confusion.

"Katrina?" Piett questioned.

Luke struggled against them. "I didn't kill anyone! Emperor, help!"

The Emperor held out his hands. "Force Lightning, go!"

Nothing happened.

"Emperor, remember, you don't have your powers anymore!" Asajj called out.

"Yeah, I remember. I was hoping they wouldn't."

The lead stormtrooper sighed. "Mr. Skywalker is under arrest for the murder of 20,000 construction works on first Death Star."

"Holy crap, Jay and Silent Bob were right?" Cody asked.

"Indeed we were," One stormtrooper called out. "Detective Robert Jay. This is my partner Detective Finius Silentbob. We have been tracking this man, known as Deadeye Luke, down for years, and we have finally got him." Det. Jay roughly pushed Luke towards the elevator. "Come on, scum."

"Help!" Luke cried out.

Han frowned. "Now wait a minute…"

Det. Silentbob looked at him. "Aren't you Han Solo, Deadeye Luke's partner?"

"…no. That…is just silly" Han held out his hand. "Henry Jones, Jr, at your service. Professor of Archelogy. This is my associate Short Round." Chewie gave a wave.

"Oh…sorry Dr. Jones, my mistake."

"Han, you traitor!"

"Clench you butt cheeks, Luke!" Chewie called out in a british accent. "It is the only way to survive!"

R2-D2 swiveled his head towards the Wookie. "You can talk?"

"YOU can talk?" Chewie exclaimed.

* * *

"Oh Luke." Asajj said softly. "I remember the first time I went to prison. The fights, the rapes…God, I made life miserable for people like him." She gave the camera a dark smile.

* * *

Holly rubbed the Emperor's back as he cried. "Its ok."

"No…no its not!" He whined, sniffing weakly. "Luke's in jail!" He let out a sob and began to cry even harder. "My best friend is in jail!"

"I'm not your best friend!" Luke could be heard screaming.

Holly ran her fingers along the Emperor's bent and crocked spine. "Hey…it will be ok…do you want me to cut off Vader's hands?"

"…no." The Emperor said, his voice tiny.

"Do you want some McDonalds?"

"…no." The Emperor said again.

"Do you want to motor boat my chest?"

"…yes…then McDonalds."

Holly smiled, removing her shift. "Ok little man, motorboat then Mcdonalds."

* * *

"Am I upset that Luke is gone?" Leia asked. "No, of course not. Luke was a rival for my father's affections. With him gone, I can now focus myself on becoming my father's apprentice and then we shall real the galaxy as father and daughter."

* * *

Vader shook his head. "Luke was the only one keeping his psycho sister away from me." He turned, letting out a yelp when he found Leia staring at him through a window. He ducked down, afraid "Help me!"

* * *

Piett looked at the scene before him. The hanger of the Death Star had been turned into a city street corner, a large statue of Tarkin in the middle with ropes tried around its neck, waiting for them to yank it down. Posters were hung all about, proclaiming that "The Ass Is Dead". There were tables filled with food, including a cake designed to look like Tarkin's severed head.

"Would you like forehead or chin?" Asajj asked, holding out a plate.

Piett gave her a quick kiss. "Forehead, of course."

"Good, because I wanted chin." Taking a bite of the cake, Asajj watched as the Emperor danced with Holly and Vader tried to avoid Leia. "The Emperor is dating a baby, Luke is in jail…could this day get any weirder?"

"Can I have everyone's attention?" Han called out, tapping his glass. Everyone turned, Creed pausing for a moment before continuing to beat the Tarkin statue with his shoe. "As you all know, Luke went to jail today. It was a sad event, and it got me thinking, long and hard."

"That's what she said!" Holly called out, the Emperor looking at her, fully of love.

"Yes…well…Luke going to jail made me realize that life is short…especially working for the Emperor, so I had best make sure I lived with no regrets." He cleared his throat. "As you may or may not know, I am in love with a woman…a strong, powerful, intelligent woman. And she feels the same way about me. Yes, she is evil now, but I can look past it. All I want is to be with her."

Han reached into his pocket, taking out a ring.

Leia gasped in joy.

"Leia…could you please move to your right…so I can ask your mother if she will be my wife?"

Padme's eyes widened. "Han…I…I…oh God yes!" The crew could only stare as Padme rushed onto stage, kissing Han hard, Leia and Vader trembling in rage in the audience.

"…well…uh…yeah." Piett managed to say.


	33. Episode XXXIII: Weight Loss

Week 1- June 30th

"Ok, every eat up, eat up!" The Emperor cried out happily, grabbing random cakes and cookies and shoving them in his employees' mouths.

"This is your last meal, and you will enjoy it." Vader proclaimed boldly. 

"You mean before the weigh in, right?" Cody asked.

"…yes." Vader said mysteriously, glaring at Han as he fed Padme some shrimp.

* * *

"My job isn't just creating clone armies and having quasi-homosexual conversations with Jedi while watching Opera. It is also helping the little people." The Emperor paused, smiling. "Except, they aren't exactly little, are they? I mean, have you seen some of the people in the galaxy? They have gotten faaaaaaatttttt!" The Emperor snapped his fingers. "Mmmhmmm. So I have decided to sponsor a weight loss contest. Peopleall across the galaxy form teams and compete to see who will loss the most weight. And to make it really interesting, I had them all kick in 100 credits, with the winning team getting it all." The Emperor nodded to himself. "And because I love money, I plan on my team winning and me getting all the cash." 

* * *

"Everyone move onto the scale." Padme stated, directing them to large industrial scale that had been set up for the weigh in.

"Remember, you will only be allowed to go to the bathroom once we have been weighed." Vader turned to Mara, who moaned. "And if one more person tells me their kidneys are about to explode, I will cut them half. At which point we will weigh each half."

Leia gave Padme a once over, muttering, "Some of you I will cutting in half no matter what."

* * *

"I am so looking forward to this." Han admitted. "I want to lose some weight before the wedding. Got all fat from eating that delicious Wookie cusine."

* * *

"Excuse me, Emperor." Holly said softly, sliding next to him on the scale.

"I will excuse you all the way to orgasmtown." The Emperor said.

Piett frowned, leaning in. "ANd exactly how do you get to Orgasmtown?"

Guri's motors whirled, before she opened her mouth, the voice from the TOM-TOM (Trademark, natch) stating "Please drive to highlighted route…"

"Never mind." Piett stated, shutting the droid's jaw for her.

"Ok, according to the scale, we are exactly 2210 pounds." Padme stated.

"Wait, wait, Asajj is on the scale!" Vader proclaimed.

* * *

"Asajj has gotten into the University of Phoniex's Murderous Bald Lady program…they apparently have a program for EVERYTHING. It will suck, because she will be gone for most of the summer, but I will manage." Piett tried best to smile…and failed.

* * *

"That's right, Asajj, we'd love your extra poundage, especially the weight in your butt, but that would be unfair." The Emperor stated. "Off you go."

Asajj frowned, walking of the scale.

"And we are now…2200 pounds?" Padme stated, utterly confused.

* * *

"What? My people are mostly helium." Asajj removed one of her arm bracelets, promptly beginning to float. "See?" She continued to smile…until she realized she was floating up into the rafters. "Hey…hey! Help!"

* * *

Week 2- July 7th

"I am so going to kill at the weigh in!" Han proclaimed to Cody as they made their way to the elevator."

Cody nodded. "I had the cloners whip up a special energy drink that only has 2 calories." 

"Really? I let Padme do things to me that literally removed a pound of flesh." As the two stepped into the elevator, they heard the sound of giggling and a hacking of a saw. "Leia…stop trying to kill us."

Leia popped her head down. "Never!" She began to cut at the main cable more quickly.

Xizor, who had just entered the building, stared at the three. "I'll take the stairs."

* * *

"No no no, same places as last time!" The Emperor declared as everyone stepped onto the scale. "We don't want to risk anything, do we?"

"What are we risking?" Bob asked.

"My foot up your ass if you don't do what I say!" The Emperor snapped, Holly snickering next to him.

Padme checked the scale's readout. "We have lost 31 pounds!" The crew began to celebrate, hugging each other. The Emperor wrapped his arms around Holly and gave her a kiss, and too his shock, she kissed him right back.

* * *

"I can't believe I am saying this, but the Emperor and Holly have really connected." Piett smiled. "And I believe the reason for that is…Holly is a creepy killer too." Piett nodded towards a window, the camera zooming in to reveal Holly happily beating a gungan with a des chair.

* * *

Week 3- July 14

Aurra Sing groaned, coughing weakly.

"Are you ok?" Holly asked.

"Leave me alone!" Aurra screamed…though it did come out more as a dull whisper.

* * *

"Kurt won't return my calls, and I think its because I am too fat. So…I am on this new Ewok diet. I am only allowed to eat Ewoks…and since I can't find any, that means I don't get to eat." Her body shook as she stared at the camera with glassy eyes. "But I…I look so sexy…"

* * *

"So, how is Asajj liking her Murderous Bald Woman program?" Cody asked.

Piett frowned. "I'm not for sure…I actually haven't heard from her in a while."

* * *

"Help!" Asajj screamed, still stuck in the rafters.

* * *

"We've gained back 5 pounds." Padme said in shock.

The crew let out groans, Aurra fainting right on the spot from lack of food.

"Oh, come on Aurra, the news wasn't THAT shocking." The Emperor complained.

* * *

Week 4-July 21st

The Emperor shook his head. "We only lost 1 pound…we aren't commiting hard enough." He looked at each of the crew members. "Do you know what the leading cause of death in the galaxy is?"

"Space slugs?" Creed asked.

"Starship failure?" Leia ventured.

"Having sex with Padme?" Vader stated.

"Going to…wait, what?" Han asked, turning towards Vader.

Chewie raised his hand. "Weight related diseases?" He said in a rich, british accent.

"No…its us. We all are the leading cause of death." 

"…high five?" Piett asked, C-3PO reluctantly slapping his palm.

"But how can we remain number 1 if we get fat?" The Emperor asked.

"Build a new Death Star!" Mara called out.

"Ohh, that 's a good idea." Xizor stated, going back to his crossword puzzle.

The Emperor shook his head. "no no no…we stay number one by staying in shape. Its that simple!"

* * *

Week 5- July 28th

"We aren't doing well in the challenge." Holly admitted. "But luckily, Vader has been killing all the teams that get ahead of us, so we are still doing pretty good."

* * *

The main door went flying off its hinges, everyone turning to watch as a man dressed in baggy black pants and a white wife-beater marched in, his hair cut short and the symbol for the rebellion tattooed on his head.

"Luke?" Han asked, approaching him. He only got a step before he fell to the ground, Luke using the force to smash hs balls.

"Everything in this office is mine now." Luke grunted.

* * *

"Yeah, I did time in jail. I saw things, man, saw things…did things to survive…" He gave the camera his best 'thug' face. "Mess with me, and you get a lightsaber shiv in your back, cracker."

* * *

"You lost zero pounds…ya fat honkies." Luke muttered, looking at the scale.

"I think Luke gave me a new nickname." Vader whispered to Leia.

"He was calling us all that, Daddy."

"…Darth Honky…." Darth murmured in delight.

"You are an idiot." Piett muttered.

"Who the hell is slacking?" Han roared.

"Calm down, sweetie." Padme said, stroking his chest.

"I will not calm down! I want names!"

* * *

"This is the hardest thing I've ever done…" Han stated. "I have let Padme do…horrible things to me to help me lose weight…horrible things…and just because some little…prick…doesn't want to lose weight…."

* * *

"Help!" Asajj screamed at the top of her lungs.

* * *

Vader stood in front of the crew. "Some of us are taking this very seriously. But a few of you are just as fat as when we started. So…I say I randomly select 3 people, and cut their arms and legs off…ok?"

"Not ok." Piett stated.

"Yes ok." 

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"No! And that's final!" Vader shouted, marching away.

"…and I thought that only worked on Daffy Duck."

* * *

"Leia."

Leia looked up at her brother, finding it slightly amusing to see them as they were now…her, once a princess in white, eyes now open to the power of the darkside, doing all she could to earn her place as her father's apprentice, and Luke…the farmboy, now fresh from jail.

"Yes?"

"You let me rot in jail…I hate you very much." 

"Oh Luke…I hate you too."

"Good to know." Luke nodded to himself. "Good to know."

* * *

The ghost of Obi Wan sighed. "I will never train another Skywalker as long as I live…er…you get the idea."

* * *

Week 6- August 4th

"IN order to motivate you all, the Emperor and I have decided to show you the negative side of being fat." Holly stated. She waved towards the door, where the Emperor entered wearing a Jabba the Hutt costume.

"Arrrgh…Hota poni wowo!" The Emperor bellowed.

Leia's eyes went Sith yellow. "I know how to deal with this!" Grabbing her belt, she wrapped it around the Emperor's neck, strangling him.

Padme sniffed as the rest of the crew tried to drag her off. "My baby is growing up so fast…"

* * *

Week 7- August 11th

The Emperor sighed. "We only lost 3 pounds…which isn't enough to beat the team from Sullest, meaning we…sadly…lost…and I won't get any money!" THe Emperor stormed off the scale, sobbing.

The others followed after him, Holly shaking her head. "Emperor, it will be ok…" 

"Wait a minute!" Padme shouted, pointing towards the scale, Guri and Holly were the only ones standing on it. "Those two weigh almost 1000 pounds!"

Guri and Holly looked at each other. "Well, we are droids." Guri stated.

Vader nodded his head. "I believe I have a way we can win this!"

* * *

The Emperor glared at Vader. "I hate you so much."

Vader shrugged. "We won, didn't we?"

The Emperor looked down at Holly, who was back to her original Robo-Baby form. "Did you have to throw all her upgrades into the incinerator and dance around?"

"Yes, my master, yes I did."

The Emperor sighed, Holly reaching up and giving him a baby kiss. "Thanks." He muttered. "…you can eat Vader's hand, if you want."

"AAAAA!"

The crew turned as Asajj fell from the ceiling, having finally found something to weigh her down.

"Hey baldy your back!" The Emperor said happily.


	34. Episode XXXIV: Frame Tarkin

Padme frowned as she watched Bob Ruby shove 3 brownies into his mouth at once. "Are you even tasting them?"

"Mmmhpf?" Bob grunted out.

"Never mind."

Asajj frowned. "Padme, why aren't you eating any?"

"Uh…because I don't like chocolate."

Han laughed, giving Padme a squeeze. "Don't listen her…my little Naboobian queen is on a diet. She is trying to fit into a special child size wedding dress."

At Piett's stare, Padme shrugged. "Its from my days as queen."

"I remember that time!" The Emperor stated as he entered the conference room, grabbing several brownies. "That's when I tricked you into giving me control of the Senate."

"Yes…yes it was." Padme snarled.

"Brownies?" Vader asked dismissively. "No thank you, I will stick to my synthetic paste I inject directly into my stomach." He paused when he noticed Mara Jade grab two brownies. "You know, those are going straight to your already fat ass."

Padme rolled her eyes. "Such a way with words."

Mara ignored Vader. "I'm bringing one to Tarkin."

The Emperor laughed. "Yeah, right. Going to air mail them to him?"

"…you don't know, do you?" Piett asked.

"Know what?" The Emperor asked, turning just in time to see Tarkin enter the room. "No!" He screamed. "No! Oh God, Buddha and Spongebob, No! No! No!" He paused. "That doesn't convey my feelings enough. Vader!"

"Yes my master?"

"In your anger you…killed her."

Vader nodded falling to his knees. "NO0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0!"

"That…that is how I feel." The Emperor stated, waving at Vader.

"O00O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O!"

* * *

"This is all your fault!" The Emperor snapped.

Asajj and Han looked at each other. "Emperor, we are both concerned that you didn't notice Tarkin was back."

"My personal theory is brain damage."

The Emperor turned towards the camera. "I suppose that could be it…because we sure have had a lot of quacky adventures on the Death Star…so many clips/memories. Like the time I jumped Springfield Gorge…"

* * *

The Emperor's eyes went wide as the skateboard he rode flew into the air, the wind whistling about him. "I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest feeling of my life! I'm king of the world!" His cries turned to screams as he began to plummet.

* * *

Asajj and Han just stared at each other as the Emperor gazed off into space.

* * *

"Emperor, what is the emergency?" Kurt asked over the phone

"We are in danger." The Emperor stated.

"How, exactly?" Kurt asked.

"Tarkin has returned."

"…I know, I hired him back 3 weeks ago. You mean you are just finding out?"

The Emperor scoffed. "It doesn't matter what I found out, all that matters is that you allow me to feed him to a rancor."

"You can't feed Tarkin to a rancor."

The Emperor frowned. "Is that a proverb? Like how you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink?"

"…you can't kill Tarkin without justcause."

"I do have just cause…its cause I just want to kill him

"…goodbye Emperor."

* * *

"Ok…here is what I am thinking," The emperor told Vader, "We frame Tarkin."

"…like, in a picture?"

"You are an idiot, you know that?"

"Yes, my master."

The Emperor sighed. "I mean we set him up for a crime he didn't commit. I bought some weed from Luke, now all we have to do is plant it in Tarkin's desk."

"Since when did Luke begin selling weed?" Vader asked.

"Uhgh." The Emperor muttered, not sure himself. "The point is, we need to distract Tarkin so I can make the drop."

"I can take care of that." Vader said, moving towards the door. "You can trust me."

Vader walked face first into said door.

"You have to open it…you freaking moron."

* * *

"Chewbacca." Vader said, approaching the Wookie. "Tarkin was just telling me that he would love to hear you sing a song for him."

The Wookie stared at Vader in surprise.

"Yes, I am shocked too. But get what you need and begin singing within 10 minutes.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Chewbacca tapped Tarikin on the shoulder, the imperial turning to stare at the Wookie. "Yes?"

Chewbacca lowered his head, snapping his fingers. The entire crew looked up as they noticed music drifting down mysteriously from the ceiling. "Whooooaaaaaaooooooo oooo oooo ooo caught in a bad romance. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo caught in a bad romance. Ra ra, oh la la, ga ga, la la la, ba ba, cha cha cha…want your bad romance!"

At that moment, the force ghost of Obi-Wan, Yoda, Mace Windu, Qui-Gon Jinn, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Aayla Secure and Kit Fisto appeared, the source of the mysterious music, doing the "Thriller" dance as Chewbacca sang.

"I want your ugly, I want your disease. I want your everything as long as its free, I want your love…"

As Tarkin happily clapped his hands, The Emperor snuck around behind him, planting the weed in the top drawer of his desk. He gave the camera a thumbs up before he slinked away, only to watch as the Jedi masters continued to dance behind a very passionate Chewbacca.

"I want your loving and I want your revenge! You and me could write a bad romance! Whooooooaaaaah! I want-"

* * *

Qui-Gon shrugged. "Its rather boring being one with the force, so the gang and I decided to form an acapella group."

* * *

The Emperor sighed. "This feels weird."

Vader looked up from where he was massaging his master's feet. "Should I get more baby powder?"

"No, I mean framing Tarkin. I've never framed anyone before."

"…you framed the Separatists, the Trade Federation, the Jedi and much of the Senate, my master."

"…I guess those kinda count."

* * *

The crew looked up in surprise when the stormtrooper police officers Det. Jay and Det. Silentbob entered the office, guns drawn.

Luke threw his hands up in disgust. "If this is about the second Death Star, Lando is the one that blew it up!"

Lando glared at look. "Just for that, no Smitz Malt Liquor…oh, who am I kidding, you can have some."

"We are here because we got a tip on some illegal drugs." Det. Jay said, whistling for the drug stiffing Ewok to be brought in. "Come on boy…get the scent!"

"Yub yub!"

* * *

Creed hid in the conference room. "We need to smoke this all before they find us."

Leia nodded, accepting the joint.

"Does anyone have any clean needles?" Cody screamed in a panic.

"I can't snort all this coke on my own!" Xizor roared, cutting as many lines as he could.

* * *

"Hi, Mr. Chaos here. I do not condone drug use. I don't even smoke or drink. Some would say that makes me boring, and they would be right. But that also means I have time to make prop lightsabers, so suck it, all you non-prop-lightsaber-owners! Earth Jedi Master Mieherr Keyoos, kicking sith ass, bitches! " Chaos paused, looking through the hole in the 4th wall he was currently peering through. "I thought you asked Creed to fix this?"

"We did." Piett muttered as he walked by. "How's life, Master Keyoos?"

"Good Piett, very good. Carry on."

* * *

"Yub yub!"

"This it boy?" Det. Jay asked, the Ewok having led them to Tarkin's desk. "This where the drugs are?"

"Yub yub!" The Ewok cried again, tugging on his leash.

Det. Silentbob pulled a small baggy from Tarkin's desk. "Is this what I think it is?"

The Emperor shifted with ill ease. "Listen…I…I don't think we need too…"

Det. Jay pulled out his handcuffs. "We are going to take you downstairs for a little talk."

"Guys…" The Emperor pleaded.

"Hey, watch it, that weed cost me $50 bucks!" Tarkin shouted, The Emperor growing silent. The camera panned over to reveal the bag Vader had planted was still in Tarkin's desk.

* * *

"You know what show I hated? That 70's Show." Creed said.

The camera spun to his right, where Leia was seated. "That the hell is 'That 70's Show'?"

The camera went right to Xizor. "Is it a show about 70 BBY?"

The camera did another right to Cody. "Dude…what…whatever happened to that little clone I brought in for Take Your Kid to Work Day?"

* * *

"So, the good news is that I didn't really frame Tarkin, because he was taking drugs." The Emperor stated. "The bad news is that because I did frame him, they had to throw the case out, for some reason I really don't understand. So…I'm stuck with Tarkin." The Emperor sighed. "I need cheering up."

Turning his chair, the camera panned over to reveal the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi standing in front of the Emperor, head lowered. The other ghostly Jedi masters appeared behind him, singing:

_Mum mum mum mah  
Mum mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mum mah_

Obi-Wan raised his head, a blue star drawn over his eye as he began to sing:

I wanna duel'em like do on Naboo please  
Form 1, Form 2, then perhaps I'll just switch to Form 3  
_(I love it)_  
Take them down like Maul who I cut open wide  
Of course it was just my luck Anakin when to the dark side

Oh, oh oh oh oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh  
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got  
Oh, oh oh oh oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh  
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got

Can't read my,  
Can't read my  
No he can't read-a my Jedi face  
_(he's got me like nobody)_  
Can't read my  
Can't read my  
No he can't read-a my Jedi face  
(he's got me like nobody)

J-j-j-jedi face, j-j-jedi face  
_(Mum mum mum mah)_  
J-j-j-jedi face, j-j-jedi face  
_(Mum mum mum mah)_

The Sith deal in absolutes, that you can clearly see  
Please ignore the fact that an absolute was just said by me  
(I love it)  
Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun  
But except for killing Grievous I have no real need for one.

Oh, oh oh oh oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh  
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got  
Oh, oh oh oh oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh  
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got

Can't read my,  
Can't read my  
No he can't read-a my Jedi face  
_(he's got me like nobody)_  
Can't read my  
Can't read my  
No he can't read-a my Jedi face  
(he's got me like nobody)

J-j-j-jedi face, j-j-jedi face  
_(Mum mum mum mah)_  
J-j-j-jedi face, j-j-jedi face  
_(Mum mum mum mah)_

Anakin is like Knievel  
Cause he's evil  
Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin  
I'm not lying I'm just stunnin' with my droid-general-gunning  
Met queen with giant boobies  
Only cared to save the newbies  
And she's such an ass, such an ass  
like sith lightning, she was such a blast!

Can't read my,  
Can't read my  
No he can't read-a my jedi face  
(he's got me like nobody)  
Can't read my,  
Can't read my  
No he can't read-a my jedi face  
(he's got me like nobody)

Can't read my,  
Can't read my  
No he can't read-a my jedi face  
(he's got me like nobody)  
Can't read my,  
Can't read my  
No he can't read-a my jedi face  
(he's got me like nobody)

Can't read my,  
Can't read my  
No he can't read-a my jedi face  
(he's got me like nobody)  
Can't read my,  
Can't read my  
No he can't read-a my jedi face  
(he's got me like nobody)

J-j-j-jedi face, j-j-jedi face  
_(Mum mum mum mah)_  
J-j-j-jedi face, j-j-jedi face  
_(Mum mum mum mah)_

J-j-j-jedi face, j-j-jedi face  
_(Mum mum mum mah)_  
J-j-j-jedi face, j-j-jedi face  
_(Mum mum mum mah)_

J-j-j-jedi face, j-j-jedi face  
_(Mum mum mum mah)_  
J-j-j-jedi face, j-j-jedi face  
_(Mum mum mum mah)_


	35. Episode XXXV: Surplus

"Emperor, here are the budget numbers you requested."

"Oooohhhh, gimme gimme gimme!" The Emperor said, snatching the yearly review reports from Cody's hands. "Huh…that is a lot of numbers…kinda boring…making me sleepy…zzzzzz…"

"Emperor?"

"zzzz."

"Emperor?"

"AAA, cobras!" The Emperor screamed, thrashing about. "Cobras!"

"EMPEROR!"

The Emperor blinked, confused. "Wow…those night terrors are getting worse and worse." He rolled his neck. "Ok, time to focus." He stared at the sheet. "Ugh, numbers…so boring…so…"

"Why don't I just read it for you?" Cody offered.

The Emperor shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat."

Cody nodded. "Ok, so these columns here represent the total amount we are budgeted by the Senate."

"Hey, could we-"

"We aren't allowed to dissolve the Senate and give the regional governors control." Cody stated. He continued on, ignoring the pouting Emperor. "Now, these columns represent our costs, including payroll, building expenses, projects and funerals for stormtroopers you kill."

"Good, good." The Emperor said, not following in the slightest.

Cody, sensing this, decided to use a different approach. "Ok, Emperor…" He pulled out two puppets from his briefcase. "This is Jimmy the Jedi and Sammy the Sith."

The Emperor reached for his lightsaber. "Execute Order 66!"

"Emperor…he isn't a real Jedi."

"…I knew that." The Emperor said.

"Now, Sammy Sith wants to open a lemonade stand, and gets Jimmy Jedi to give him 10 dollars. So he buys cups and lemonade and sugar…and when it is over, he has only 9 dollars. Now, if he gives that money back to Jimmy, a year from now…"

"Jimmy will be dead and Sammy with have a 7 foot 2 asthmatic cyborg as an apprentice?"

"…Jimmy Jedi will only give him 9 dollars, because he thinks that's how much it costs to run the lemonade stand." Cody stated. "Now, the Senate is Jimmy Jedi, and we are Sammy Sith. If we want to keep this $100,000 surplus that was have for this year, we need to spend it by today." Cody looked pleadingly at the Emperor. "I think we should get a new protocol droid…that gold one is annoying the hell out of me!"

The Emperor considered this. "Is this what the puppets want?"

Cody sighed. "Yes, this is what the puppets want."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"As you can see, we have a lovely estate, as well as a flower field perfect for riding shaaks and proclaiming your love for Jedi padawans." Vader gave Padme a look, who merely ignored him. Han and Chewie followed close behind, taking in the sights.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Anakin bought my family home, which means if I want to get married, he has to be the one in charge." Padme said with a huff.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Padme and I are getting married at Vader Farms. It was the only way to ensure that Vader would not ruin the wedding, as he said he would be so busy planning it that he wouldn't have time to interfere." Han stated.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Yes, I did state that, but it isn't true." Vader commented. "I'm not even a wedding planner. The closet I came renting a film about wedding planning, starring a latino woman with a huge ass. But there was a mixup at the video store and I got Twilight instead. Very…very stupid movie."

Jar Jar nodded. "Ohoh, missa agree. Da film was terrible! Missa m on team jacob!" Vader shook his head. "I don't understand a word he says."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Attention everyone, attention!" The Emperor said, calling for the crew to pay attention. "I have an announcement to make."

"You are finally seeing that dermatologist I suggested?" Luke asked.

"No."

"You are coming out of the closet?" Asajj asked.

"No."

"You are staying in the closet?" Piett asked

"No."

"Well, now I am confused."

The Emperor frowned. "I would like to announce that, due to Cody's fine work, we have a surplus, which I will be using to buy a new protocol droid."

"WHAT?" C-3PO cried out. "Oh nooo….."

Asajj grunted in disgust.

"Uh…unless someone else has a better suggestion?"

Asajj nodded. "Emperor, you have been promising to buy new shielding for the TIE fighters for years now."

Cody frowned. "Asajj, please don't make this into another one of your soapbox moments."

"But it is time to get the crew want it wants." Asajj stated. "I know for a fact that Aurra, Piett, and Xizor all want the TIE Fighter shielding."

"Actually, Asajj, I have to go with the new droid." Piett said, Asajj staring at him in shock.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Ever since Asajj and I got together, I don't feel right asking her to make me copies, so I get 3PO to do it…and that stupid robot is soooooooo annoying!" Piett complained. "But…Asajj and I don't have to agree on everything."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"He dies tonight." Asajj said dangerously, igniting her lightsabers.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Now then, I had Jar Jar prepare a very wonderful meat sculpture. I think it will be prefect for the wedding."

Han and Padme frowned when Jar Jar wheeled in the life size meat sculpture. "Anakin…that you…"

"…naked." Han stated, horrified.

"I posed for it myself." Vader said proudly, Jar Jar nodding his head happily.

Chewie tilted his head. "Do you take commissions?"

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Ok, so why don't we take a moment to go around the room and discuss why we each want…what we want." The Emperor said, waving toward Asajj. "Asajj, you first."

Asajj nodded. "The TIE fighters are grossly undershielded. We loss more money on Stormtrooper funerals than anything else because of those things. In fact, it makes more sense to shield them than to do anything else."

Cody stood up next. "I am a clone…my brothers are stormtroopers. That should tell you of the need for us to get a new protocol droid instead of shielding."

Aurra, Xizor and Sly each stood, preparing to explain why they wanted the shielding, only for the Empire to wave them off. "You three aren't that funny…next!"

Luke stood up, Leia and Lando joining him. "We have traveled with Threepio for a while now…and I think we all can agree that he is annoying and should be sent to the dump."

Threepio stood up, wagging his finger at them. "You miserable…I have done everything for you and yet you still want to treat me like that? Oh, why must I suffer so wretchedly?"

"Ok, cool it Dr. Smith." The Emperor said.

"I agree with my golden metal brother." Guri said, placing her hand on Threepio's shoulder. "Though I do not enjoy protecting humans with shielding, and would prefer to use the money to turn them all into cyborgs."

Creed nodded. "That's right, death to all humans."

Everyone just stared at him.

Artoo beeped, wiggling back and forth.

"What do you mean they should throw me in the dumpster and find a sexier protocol droid?" Threepio screeched.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

[Every seen that show Modern Family] Artoo beeped. [I've already had a Mitchell, now I want me a big strong Cam!]

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Now then…" Vader said, leading the small group into the main hall, "this is where the main ceremony will begin." Jar Jar took his place at the altar. "Now, to give you an idea of how this will go, we will have Chewbacca play Padme, Han you will be Padme's mother, I will play Han and Padme will play the roll of your biter grandmother that thinks you could do better."

"Nana Solo doesn't like me?" Padme asked, concerned.

"Honey, honey…of course she hates you."

Vader took his place at the altar, while Han walked Chewbacca to the altar. "dear belov, weesa is here today to join these two in wedd bless. padme…mean chewbacca, doin yousa take ani…mean han, to be yousa husband?"

"Roooorrr!" Chewbacca bellowed.

"do yousa take chewbacca/padme to be yousa wife?"

"I do." Vader intoned.

"then missa now pronounce yousa husband and may kiss da bride!"

Chewbacca, before he could be stopped, gave Vader a kiss.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Alright, because we are stuck in a stalemate, I have decided to ask General Grievous to make a decision."

Piett frowned. "Didn't Obi-Wan kill him?"

"Like anyone cares about that. Grievous?"

Grievous stalked around Threepio, inspecting the droid. "This droid is a poor one, that I am sure. You should see some of the droids that are being produced now…they have freeway ramps for arms and run purely on a hatred/corn oil blend."

"So we should go with the droid and throw Threepio away."

'oooooooooooohhhhhh!" Threepio whined.

Grievous shook his head. "I did not say that." He walked over to the TIE fighter. "These are very weak…watch." He tapped it with his claw…only to blink when the entire thing exploded, sending him flying out of the Senate building. The Emperor looked at the hole that had been made.

"…mother-"

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Kurt, I need your help." The Emperor pleaded.

The holo-image of Kurt frowned. "I don't care what you shoved up your rectum…"

"No, I have a surplus and I don't know what to do with it." Kurt frowned.

"You aren't going to keep it?"

"Huh?"

"Most chancellors-"

"Emperor."

Kurt sighed. "…they would give half the money back, telling the people how great they were, then sneak the other half away for themselves."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"I…love my employees. But I also love the Thinkgeek website. So…what I need to do is find a way to keep this money and not let anyone hate me for it."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"That was a beautiful ceremony." Padme told Vader, leaning over the rail of the estate.

"Did it remind you of our wedding?" Vader said.

"Yes…yes it did." "Bring back fond memories?"

"Yes." Padme admitted.

"enough to ditch Han and marry me?" Vader asked hopefully.

"Yes…"

"WHOOOOHOOOAH!"

Padme smirked. "Except I can't marry a man already married." She leaned in close. "Jar Jar is an official Gungan minister…Mrs. Chewbacca."

"….mother-"

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"Ok, listen up!" The Emperor called out. "I think…you all are being rather greedy." He walked over to Threepio. "This droid…is a fine droid. He is shiny…and he has wires…and…"

"Why, thank you sir. I am rather glad someone notices that-"

The Emperor groaned. "Uuggggghhhh! You are like a robotic version of Tarkin!" He paused. "But we should keep you around anyway." He moved around the desks. "And the TIE fighters…are fine."

"I think Grievous would disagree with that." Asajj stated.

"My flesh sack!" Grievous whimpered.

"You know, don't you?" Cody asked.

"Know what?" The Emperor said nervously.

"Everyone, the Emperor is going to keep the money for himself!"

The Emperor frowned. "No…no I am not. I don't have a cent of it."

"Delivery for The Emperor?" The FedEx Guy stated.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

"So, technically I was telling the truth. I spent all the credits on replica Jedi bathrobes. And too make sure the crew didn't hate me, I gave them one each. Am I bitter that I lost all my robes…yes…yes I am." The Emperor frowned, wrapping himself up in his Jedi robe.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~ "You know, we would have gotten more than these if you had just sided with me." Asajj stated.

Piett nodded. "I'm sorry…you are right." He kissed her on the forehead, his own Jedi robe swishing about. "And to make it up to you…" He waved Threepio over. "I will take over your duties for the day so you can spend time with your favorite droid." Asajj paled as Piett leaned in close. "Don't ever mess with me again, baby."

"Oh, this will be so delightful. First, how about we discuss my vast knowledge of languages…"

Asajj whimpered.

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

Vader glared at Chewbacca, before turning off the lights in the wedding suite. "I swear, I will have the divorce papers filed tomorrow."

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

Author's Notes: Yes, Thinkgeek does sell Jedi robes. They are 40.00 bucks, too rich for my blood at the moment, but maybe they will be nice and send one to me for advertising for them…wink wink? And yes, because I forgot to mention it, I do in fact own a prop lightsaber. My father helped me assemble the last few pieces yesterday.


End file.
